Over My Head

Rapture II

2011-10-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still here. Time passes to quickly from one apocalypse to the next. Today's apocalypse is brought to you by the same person that brought you the May 21 Rapture. Enjoy it! It's not often that we get to celebrate the end of the world twice in one year. The next one isn't scheduled until the end of 2012, but then we can always hope that another date might pop up in the meantime.

It's been a busy time for us. We've been very active at the YMCA and I've really been enjoying the fitness dancing classes they offer at the Southwest location (Bollywood Fusion and Zumba). The boys started preschool in September - and are potty trained! We've continued our usual outings to parks, museums, zoos, and other fun spots around the Bay Area.

We've been so busy that we decided to cancel our annual Halloween party this year. I'm actually looking forward to not having it - I an focus more on all of the fun activities geared toward these cute little preschoolers (he he, I said moron). We may pick the torch back up another year, but for now we'll enjoy not having to clean up the disastrous mess the day after.

Oh, and did I mention that Beavis and Butthead are returning to MTV?

So, once again the world ended and life goes on.

Judgment is Still Upon Us!

2011-05-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

I listened to Harold Camping's "Open Forum" this evening. The boys were amazingly good to occupy themselves playing with their choo choo set while I worked in the kitchen and listened to the Preacher Man explain why the Rapture and great quakes didn't happen on Saturday.

Apparently, according to Camping, Judgment Day did happen. While we were gathered in my back yard with friends, we were judged as to whether or not we are worthy of going to Heaven on October 21st, later this year. I hope we passed!

Camping explained that he wasn't wrong, and he seems to genuinely believe that. He said that he made a mistake in interpreting everything in a physical Earthly sense, whereas God works in the spiritual sense. Judgment Day happened in a spiritual sense, in God's way and not the way Camping thought it would. The world will still end on October 21st and most people will still die a permanent death (as opposed to ascending to a spiritual form).

With all the questions the press posed at Mr. Camping, not one of them was about zombies and how they fit into his plan.

Camping did point out, again, that it's obvious that we are very near the end of times. The clear sign is the acceptance of Gay Pride. How nice. I prefer Christ's teachings of "Judge not, lest ye be judged..."

When asked how he felt about the repercussions of the May 21st "dud," Camping held firm that he wasn't really wrong, that Judgment Day happened, the world will still end, but the big difference is that we all get an extra 5 months to live. He didn't seem to feel much pity for the people who dedicated their entire life savings to his radio station and his cause, or those that gave up homes and other possessions, all because they thought they were going to Heaven on Saturday. He said he was greatly relieved that the woman who attempted to kill herself and her two children didn't succeed, because to kill her children would be murder, which is a sin and would keep her from going to Heaven. He would accept no responsibility for the actions of his followers, who did what they did based on his word. He suggested that those who no longer had homes or the means to get through the next 5 months will likely have a kindly sister or someone else who will probably take them in (keeping in mind that if the kindly sister still has a home and the means, she wasn't a Camping follower and is probably not really "saved").

He is right, though. These people did those things of their own volition. He says he does not have the spiritual rule over anyone, except his wife, who doesn't need much ruling since she's pretty good. These people didn't have to take his word for it, he always encourages his listeners to read the Bible themselves and to find the truth through Biblical reading and prayer. When asked if they'll refund any donations made to Family Radio based on a false prophesy, he explained that the money will be put to good use to continue to spread the Gospel until the end of days, but that there is no point in giving any money or property back to anyone in October, since the world will be ending and it will be of no use to anyone. I hope he reconsiders this stance on October 22nd.

About 10 years ago I used to listen to his "Open Forum" during my commute. He blew my mind with his interpretations and I found it amusing. He was unknown to most in those days, but now everyone seems to know who he is.

I really feel sad for him. I'm sure he's going through a lot of soul searching right now. He wanted so badly to be right. Though I'm very glad he was wrong, and I think there is something perverse about people who wish cataclysmic destruction on the human race, because they look down upon the masses as unrepentant. Perhaps it justifies one's own hatred against people who are different. Perhaps they are overwhelmed by the horrific things we see on the news every day. They say "perception is reality" and they perceive the world to be full of pestilence and evil. It breaks my heart that they seem to be blind to all the good that there still is. While they believe that the world's population is only 3% good, I believe that there is only perhaps <3% bad, but even so, there is still some good in every person.

I feel sad for Mr. Camping and all of his followers. I pray that they may see the good in the world as it is, in abundance. They believe that all good comes from God so they need to open their hearts to God, that He might lift the blinds from their eyes so they might really truly see.

But a Whimper.

2011-05-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

It appears we may have been misinformed about the Rapture. Either that, or perhaps the world was worse than anyone imagined, and instead of anyone getting Raptured, we have just been abandoned by the angels.

Or maybe it did happen and we are living in a false reality. We are in the Matrix.

Yes, that must be it.

Not with a Bang...

2011-05-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, on the eve of our destruction, contemplating the End. Two areas have met the deadline and thousands have already been Raptured, perhaps millions. By the time it reaches our time zone I don't know if there will be any seats left. Heaven may fill up.

So I sit and await my demise as I watch the news and write to you, my heathen friends. To those that will be Raptured, I wish you a very happy eternity. Try not to think about the rest of us who are left behind to struggle and burn. Try not to mourn the loss of those that you loved that are soon to be nothing but dust. Were your family members also Raptured or were they lost? Oh well, you'll get over it.

I remember Raptures and Apocalypses of my past. I recall one particular one that happened when I was eleven. Everyone in school talked about it in the days leading up to the end. I didn't really know anything about it, so I just kept my mouth shut and listened. When the eve came, I prayed and feared the worst. I had difficulty sleeping, I suffered nightmares. I woke up the next morning and the world ended. It sucked. I went to school and nobody even mentioned a thing about it. We just went on with our lives as if nothing happened.

The next time I remember the world ending, I was about fourteen. There was no prediction, it just ended. I woke up and my room was different. For starters, it was detached from the house and on the ground floor. I looked out the window and there was nothing but rubble to be seen for miles. I picked up the phone and called my best friend, Anna, and she saw the same thing. I went back to sleep and though everything was normal when I woke up the next time, I felt empty inside. Anna pretended not to remember our conversation when the world had ended. Nobody else seemed to have noticed.

The world ended a few more times. It ended in 1997 for the Heaven's Gate followers. I also recall it ending a few times in 1999 with the Grand Cross, the Grand Alignment (which coincided with the freak tornado in Salt Lake City), then on New Year's Eve when we celebrated the new millennium. For awhile the world was stable, and we were able to breathe easily as we enjoyed over a decade without the world ending. I guess some got bored so they brought on the May 21st date. They just didn't want to wait for 2012. Thank goodness! I have a tough time going without a good apocalypse prediction. Now, not only do we get May 21st, but the Scoopees (Camping's followers) also are giving us October 21st! I wish they could move it to Halloween. That would be awesome!

The local news has been on for over 20 minutes and not one mention of the cataclysmic earthquake that has been rendering our world uninhabitable, not one word about the Scoopees leaving our realm, not one word about zombies. Boring!

Sweet dreams!

The Big Scoop

2011-05-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

A mere four days from now it will all be over. The supposed Rapture will have happened in most time zones and we'll either be looking forward to the next phony apocalypse, or down on our knees praying for mercy, provided we're still alive. I'm the fortunate survivor of many apocalypses. There used to be one or two a year, but when it didn't happen in Y2K, doomsdayers started getting tired of being wrong, I suppose, until some folks decided that the Mayans predicted the one in December 2012.

Not to be outdone in the media, Harold Camping set his for May 21, 2011. He has been on this campaign for a few years, but only recently has the word gone global as billboards have been strategically placed and Family Radio missionaries have set out to spread the world. These people believe it so firmly, they have spent fortunes on the advertisements. They have to believe, for they have been taught that to doubt it would mean eternal damnation for them. They are promised an eternal place in Heaven if they dedicate themselves 100% to the cause. Apparently these spots in Heaven aren't as plentiful as most of us have been led to believe. According to Camping, there are only 200 million, and once the Rapture is overdonewithgone, the rest of us will be shut off from the Lord as the gates of Heaven will close for all eternity.

Those left behind are promised a miserable end, with quakes and disaster, which will render our world uninhabitable. We won't miss out on all the fun, though, we'll get to witness Jesus and Satan having a battle that will lead to the end of our world on October 21, 2011.

While some of the Camping followers (the "Scoopees") say they are worried for us (the heathens), I'm among those that are worried for the Scoopees. They have dropped everything: jobs, homes, even family, and have spent their savings on alerting the masses of the big event. If it doesn't happen (okay, I'm giving them a <.000001% chance of it really happening), what are they going to do? Will they drink the special Kool-Aid?

I often wonder about those that seem to really want the world to end. I feel sad that they have such a pessimistic view of the world. While they boast of their high faith in God, what about their faith in man and the Earth that God created? Why do they seem to be okay with their friends, neighbors, and even family members being separated and suffering eternal damnation or perhaps, just eternal death of the soul? They say it will be the End because the world is so full of sin and degradation, that it is because there are very few good moral people left (or as they call them, "elect of God" and I call them "Scoopees").

If they are the "elect," then I think that I would prefer to be part of the rest. If this thing really does happen, I choose to stay behind and help good, moral people to get through it. I choose to hold hands with my loved ones to our destiny, because I am not okay with good people being condemned to eternal flames, just because they were the wrong color, faith, or sexual orientation. The Heavenly Father that I love and believe in is not okay with it, either.

All seriousness aside, I'm having a blast joking about it all. I find doomsday predictions incredibly humorous. We're hosting a BBQ to celebrate, and if it happens, we'll be with good friends and family at 6pm, when the big quake is predicted to occur. I'm glad we'll have notice. I'll probably watch the news before turning in on Friday night (how could I resist the temptation?). If the world starts shaking at the International Dateline, we'll all be down on our knees.

Fab Five Freddy Told Me Everybody's Fly...

2011-05-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

Judgment Day is coming, just 10 days away! I've seen the signs, have you? There is one such billboard located around the corner from Happy Hollow, one of our favorite places to go for a family outing. I've seen them before; they're all over the place. They say "The Bible Guarantees It!"

The May 21st Rapture is brought to you courtesy of Harold Camping and Family Radio. Though I've seen their signs for quite some time now, I only recently researched what they were talking about. Yes, I put a lot of my *ample* spare time into researching this amazing news, not because I believe it, but because this sort of thing tickles my funny bone.

The upshot is, through literal and loose interpretations of various scriptures combined with some fascinating mathematics and numerology, these people have deciphered a hidden code that tells us exactly when Jesus will return and the great Almighty Hand will scoop up the righteous. I seem to recall a Simpsons episode where Homer did the same thing.

They tell us that it's May 21st at 6pm, local time, in each respective time zone. Thank the Lord that I live in California! Hawaii or Alaska would be better, but at least I'm not in Tonga or Japan. If these folks are right, we'll know about it the night before it happens in our local area. Don't mistake May 21 for the end of the world, that will happen 5 months down the line in October.

When asked what they are going to think come May 22nd and they are still here, many of them reply that they'll realize they weren't really saved, and that they'll just have to stay "down below" (as Homer Simpson puts it) with the rest of us heathens until the end of days on October 22nd (give or take a day). They say that some 3% (about 200 million people, right?) will be part of the Rapture and the rest will be left to suffer earthquakes, war, famine, and other fun stuff for 5 months as Jesus and Satan battle it out in our back yards. Now, I think I saw that one on South Park.

What does it take to be part of the elect faithful that will be scooped up, you ask? Well, first of all, you need to truly believe deep in your heart that May 21, 2011 is the official date of the Rapture. You need to believe this without a doubt! Oh, perhaps first of all you need to be a Christian and second of all you need to believe in the May 21 prophesy. If you are a churchgoer, forget about being Raptured. According to Camping and many of the others that believe in this, the churches, all churches (yes, your church, too), are led by Satan and have been since 1988. Didn't you notice the change in management? So, churchgoers will not be scooped up. Sorry, Charlie (Charlie is my devout neighbor).

Not a churchgoer? Well, you might have a chance! Just put your faith in Christ and in this date and if you can, take your cell phones with you when you get scooped up so you can call CNN and let everyone know what it's like.

Still Overwhelmed!

2011-03-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

There is a reason for the title of my blog. Since beginning this I have felt like I was in over my head, just in general. Yet, I feel like I'm riding one giant wave that keeps going and going and going. Most of the time, everything just works out, no matter how out of my element I feel, I roll with it and try to keep up. I haven't been writing very much lately, for many reasons. I think mainly, I've been taking some time to establish a better focus on priorities to keep up with the boys' changing needs.

The boys are two and a half, now. They amaze me each and every day. Today they were playing so well together. They were reading to each other and asking each other to point to things in their book. They interact so wonderfully and give me such delight. I feel so blessed to have twins, to have these wonderful boys in my life. We have developed our own family culture, with our private jokes and idioms. We have a pleasant life.

The other day Ronan was riding his car around and he stopped and looked at me and said, "My life's good, Mommy." I asked him, "what was that, Ronan?" simply amazed at what I thought I heard him say. He answered, "My life's good!" Then he nodded and drove off. He is right. His life is good. That was one of those wonderful "awww" moments. Today the boys were shouting "ROUND AND ROUND!" and William ran to me and said, "Singing very good bus music!" then he ran back to Ronan and continued to sing about the doors going "OPEN AND SHUT!"

We are continuing potty training efforts. Ronan is pretty much there, at least by day. William is showing interest, but only pretends to go to the potty, which is odd since he's the one that used to impress us by using the potty regularly when he was just barely walking. The other day they both stripped naked, as they do so much these days, and were pretending to be "SUPER NAKED BOY TO THE RESCUE!" I was in the kitchen when Ronan ran to me and asked me to clean up William's poo, then William appeared and said, "Wipe my bum, Roro." Ah, brotherhood.

Last week Ronan asked me to make him some heart-shaped cookies. He asked so many times throughout the day, that I baked him some in the early afternoon. When I presented him with his heart cookie his eyes lit up and he said, "My heart cookie!" He took the cookie with a big grin, then he stopped, handed it back to me and said, "I want a bunny rabbit cookie."

We have a pretty busy schedule these days. We take parent/tot classes at the Campbell Community Center twice a week, and will soon be taking a parent/toddler soccer class. I recently joined the YMCA and am enjoying the opportunity to work out while the boys are being well cared for in the Kid's Corner. They love it there and I'm delighted with our experience so far. We will start swimming lessons next week.

We also try to make it to Happy Hollow, the Children's Discovery Museum, and the California Academy of Sciences regularly, as well as Vasona Park and History Park. The boys love all of those places and ask to go there frequently. We have a membership to the Oakland Zoo, too, but are unable to utilize it as much as I'd like, due to the long drive. I hope to make it there more often now that we are heading out of the stormy season.

Dave recently gave us all a scare when his appendix ruptured, twice. We went to Lake Tahoe to see the snow, and that trip was an ordeal in itself (it sucked). He had abdominal pain while on that trip, but figured it was altitude sickness. On Monday, the day after we returned, he was very sick and vomiting. I remember calling him several times at work and asking him if I could come get him. On Tuesday he called the doctor and made an appointment for Wednesday. On Wednesday he had some blood work. On Thursday he had a CT Scan, by Thursday night they told him to go to the hospital for an appendectomy. His surgery began just before midnight and they were done just after 2am. The surgeon told me that his appendix had ruptured in two places, and that it likely ruptured on Monday when he was the most sick. Dave was incredibly lucky, because somehow the infection was self-contained at the site and didn't spread throughout his system. He still had to stay in the hospital for 4 days, and was released the following Monday. He went back to work on Tuesday. He missed all of 2 days for this. He's still not fully recovered, though it has been a month. He'll need some more time, understandably. We're all so grateful for his health.

Grandpa

2011-01-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

My grandpa died a couple of months ago, just before Thanksgiving. He died of a heart attack. He was a wonderful man and I will always remember him as the kindest, most generous person I have ever known. I don't think he ever said an unkind word about anyone.

I wrote about our experience traveling for the funeral in "Mad About Multiples," the blog for Gemini Crickets, our parents of multiples club. I hope to write more for them in the future.

I took the boys to the funeral and Dave stayed behind at home to take care of a few urgent household matters. With last minute booking, it took two flights to get there and two flights to get back. It was just me and 2 two-year-old boys. The boys were amazing through all the flights! I felt so empowered!

My grandpa was a twin. His twin brother was affectionately referred to as "Uncle Papa" by my mother, aunts, and uncles, and "Uncle Grandpa" to many of my cousins and me. He once ran for Justice of the Peace and I recall going door to door to campaign when I was quite young (I think about 12?).

He worked hard all of his life. He didn't want to stop. He was a CPA and a very good one. He was also in the military during WWII. I love reading the letters he wrote to my grandma when he was away, and the notes he wrote to my mother when she was a baby.

He and Uncle Grandpa entertained us all with their singing. A family favorite is the way Grandpa and Uncle Grandpa sung "Jingle Bells" as "Dee Do Bah." Grandpa was in many choirs through the years. He collapsed at a rehearsal with one of them. I most remember his performances with the Utah Chorale, Swanee Singers, and the Utah Symphony Chorus. One of my favorite Christmas traditions was to attend the Messiah Sing-in at Symphony Hall when Grandpa's chorus was performing.

He is missed.

The Big 4-0

2011-01-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official, I'm now part of the over-40 crew. Wow! I've lived this long. That makes me happy and I hope to live another 40. Wow! This seems like a big number to me and it's always been one of those things I always saw on the horizon, but never really thought about it actually happening. Wow! I'm 40!

Am I grown up, yet? I don't feel it. I just feel like me and like I still have a lot of growing to do, a lot of dreams to accomplish, and more dreams to create.

Having a birthday just 2 weeks after Christmas isn't that great. I don't mean to complain about the fates in this issue. We all have birthdays. They are special and yet, not so much. People often make a big deal out of them but in my history, my birthday has shown itself to be ominous. It's often forgotten by those that are closest to me, not out of neglect or lack of love, but out of holiday and winter fatigue. Further, it falls during a time of year when sad things happen.

My brother's best friend died on my 18th birthday. I was dumped on my 26th. I was grieving the loss of my mother-in-law on my 33rd. I attended my uncle's funeral on my 35th, just days after attending my niece's. I always get more nervous than excited this time of year. Yet, each year I get a little hopeful that this birthday will be celebrated with great joy.

This year, many friends have expressed interest in celebrating but nothing has been planned. I think we're all just too tired. Once again, victims of the holiday/winter fatigue. And yet, of all the birthdays this is the one that should pass with a remarkable event. I'm turning 40 and on a Friday of all days! But, nothing.

In another way, I am very fortunate to have a birthday fall so soon after the new year. It gives me an extra week to formulate resolutions. I sort of see my birthday as my real New Year and I seldom pass New Year's Day with quite the hope and inspiration as I do when I pass January 7th. This year I am inspired to start a few new blogs. I'm trying to get Dave to work out the hosting of the others, but the one being launched today is my 365 photo project. The idea is to take daily photos of what makes my life special and unique and select one photograph each day. I'll be putting my photos on another blog here, http://lizzybo365.blogspot.com. Putting them in electronic format on a blog is much more to my style. I'm not much into scrapbooking. One of my current guilts and regrets is that I haven't done baby books for the boys.

What makes my life unique and special? You probably realize by now that most of my photos may be of the boys. They make me incredibly happy. I've been on cloud-9 since they were born. Dave also makes my life unique and special. He's a wonderful devoted husband. My cat, Tempest, also fills my heart with warm fuzzies. I'm a very blessed woman and I realize it every day. Sharing photos of these blessings will be fun. I hope you all enjoy the project as much as I know I'll enjoy doing it.

1/1/11

2011-01-01T20:12:00.000-08:00

It's an ominous day today. I love dates with fun numbers, especially when they line up with fun times of the day like 1:11 and 11:11. We should have had a party. Maybe on 11/11/11 we can - for my brother Richard's birthday.

We practiced some potty training today. Ronan did a great job at it and William is gaining interest. I feel a little bad, however, giving Ronan a reward for making it to the potty and not William. I give Ronan a sticker for his good efforts and William comes and asks if he can have a sticker, too. I'm such a softy.

The boys are progressing more and more into the English language and are showing signs of abandoning their twin speak. I'll miss the twin speak. It's fun, even though the speech therapist recommended against encouraging it. Their pediatrician, however, said that twin speak counts, though she is also a mother of twins.

My favorite twin words are apa (water), agga (alligator or dinosaur), bah (hold me), and ahnoo (flashlight). Lately William has started referring to some Thomas episodes as "choo choo broken" and those are his favorites, though I don't know what that means. I keep putting on the wrong episodes and he complains that they aren't "choo choo broken." We'll figure it out at some point.

For Christmas Dave gave me a Kindle. I love it! It can hold all the books I like to keep handy for reference as well as the book(s) I'm currently reading and those I want to read. It's so fun! It is due to him and Ashley that I am not getting much sleep lately. Dave gave me the Kindle and Ashley recommended the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series. I'm hooked! Now I am inspired to finish some of the things I'm writing and get them published on Kindle. Even though I have that sense of trepidation from this time of year, I'm also filled with inspiration, hope, and excitement for the future. 2011 can be amazing. Let's work to make it so!

Auld Lang Syne

2010-12-31T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've been very remiss in my blogging. I'm sorry for not keeping you all up to date in the goings on in our lives. I love to share. I have been so busy with these wonderful little boys that I haven't made the time for writing. I will do better. Now is a time for resolutions, this is one of mine.

It's a good time to give a full update, and I hope it won't turn into a novel. The boys are 2 years and 3 months old. They are running, jumping, and talking up a storm. They really enjoy pretend play so for Christmas Santa brought them a play kitchen for the house and a play house for the yard. The love them both. They call their play house "Santa House" because Santa brought it.

At just about 2 years, William was evaluated for a speech delay. He was diagnoses as on the cusp of being delayed, but since then he has not only caught up with the common expectations, but surpassed them. He and Ronan are both speaking in full long sentences, and seem to understand a great deal. It's fantastic to get to know them, now, as they are able to express themselves unlike ever before. We're having so much fun! Ronan is a crack-up. They both are. One night Ronan let a toot (okay, he farted) and then said to me "more cut cheese." I have no idea how he learned that phrase or understood the euphemism. He seems to never forget a thing. What is said at some point may come out months later. He remembers events that happened several months ago. We really need to be careful with our words.

Ronan does seem to be very interested in flatulence. My dad, his wife, and my half-brothers visited in early December. We had a great time with them and William and Ronan fell in love with all of them, especially their Uncle Richard and Uncle Joseph. One day while we were all in the same car driving to San Francisco, Ronan said very loudly "Ronan make big farts!" That was the first time I heard him use the word. Like I said, we need to be very careful with what we say! The other day Ronan came to me and said "Daddy make big farts. Needs change."

Speaking of change, I'm so ready to potty-train these little guys. I've always tried to keep them aware of their body functions and they've gone on the potty or toilet now and again since they were able to sit. They just don't seem very interested in ditching the diapers. Well, Ronan is getting more interested now that we bought a book that explains it all to him. He is starting to refuse changes and he's asking for underwear. Now if I could just get Dave on board with making the big changes. While I think Ronan is ready, Dave isn't. We may be able to make the change with both boys at once, but if one makes it then I think the other will soon follow.

William had surgery on his eyes in August. It was a great success and his eyes are straight when he wears his glasses and he no longer sees double. He handled it like a champ. I didn't. It was very difficult for me to see those blood-stained tears and red eyes. It was painful to hand him over to the nurse and watch her take him into the operating room. It was a great joy, however, to see him go to the front door not one hour after we returned home from the surgery and have him ask me if we could go for a walk with his cozy coupe. He's a real champ!

Neither of the boys take daily naps, anymore. William was never much of a good napper and he stopped taking regular naps by 19 months. Ronan stopped about a month ago. It's nice that we are no longer slaves to the napping schedule, both boys are on the same schedule, and they go to sleep pretty easily in the early evenings, at least most nights.

William's voice is angelic, Ronan's is resonating. I remember when Ronan was just a couple of days old, the nurses at the hospital told me that they thought he was a future American Idol winner. William has a fun musical way of saying things, like "no" has nearly 3 syllables and goes up an octave in the middle, though lately he's taken to saying a simple "nope." When he says "yes" he says a high-pitched "ESS!" that shows great enthusiasm. Ronan loves to shout his "hi" and "bye-bye" to people as they walk past the house - across the street.

They now watch some tv. They love "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." They also love "Thomas the Tank Engine" and "Bob the Builder." The Children's Discovery Museum has been running a "Bob the Builder" exhibit. They love it. We have a membership at the CDM and go there often. It's a great place for toddlers and young children. We also enjoy going to Happy Hollow and the California Academy of Sciences.

The boys love to play with puzzles, their train set, toy cars, toy brooms, and books. Books seem to be their favorite "toys" and ask us to read to them frequently.

Dave is doing well, but is working more and more. Fortunately, he usually gets home right before the boys go to bed, and he gets up early with the boys to spend some quality time with them before going to work. I've got the boys in the habit, though, of having me lay with them as they go to sleep. This is usually enjoyable time and I love that I send them off to sleep with love and peacefulness. This does make it difficult for me to go out in the evenings, so I miss out on opportunities to see some friends for dinner or other outings. Going out later is tough for me because I'm tired and frankly, I'd rather rest, read, crochet, or sleep.

I'm also doing well. I'm so happy being a mother. Right now I'm feeling a sense of anxiety and nervousness, however. This time of year is difficult for me. So many bad things have happened during the two weeks between Christmas and my birthday. We just past the 5th anniversary of our loss of Halie, my beautiful 2-year-old neice. That was a very dark period in my life. She died in a fire that put my brother and nephew in the burn-icu. My brother recently won a settlement against the company that manufactured the faulty gas can that exploded. Anyway, this is really not my story to tell, even though it has affected me so deeply I still have nightmares about it.

Other loved ones also passed away this time of year and my mind and heart are filled with memories and also dread. On top of that, I'm still stuck in OWCP (federal workers' compensation) hell. My claims examiner, affectionately known as NBW (nasty...) always seems to choose this time of year to throw my life into further chaos. She has scheduled me for, yet another, doctor appointment. They can do this every two years if they don't like my own doctor's opinion. I've seen 10 doctors and several physical therapists who all agree on the diagnosis of RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy). I'm not particularly worried about the new doctor, but it's a hassle. It means that I have to stay alert and spend a lot of my (nonexistent) free time to check up on NBW to make sure she doesn't screw things up even worse. The last time she sent me to their doctor she sent him a lot of misinformation in my case file. Actually, she left out a lot of documentation and slipped in some documents that were not about me or from my own case file. It was really such a display of incompetence, I'm surprised that she is still a Claims Examiner. Actually, that would explain why she has been my CE for 3 years now. All my other Claims Examiners got promoted after 6 months to a year.

My 40th birthday is coming up. I'm only sad about it because of what it means for us having any more children. We did a frozen embryo transfer in June, using our last 2 frozen embryos. One of them didn't survive the thaw, the other was transfered, but I lost the baby at about 6 weeks. No, we will not do IVF again. It's not that easy. We just need to move on and completely embrace this opportunity to throw ourselves 100% into raising these two beautiful wonderful smart little boys.

Since they were born I have spent most of the last 2 years on cloud 9. There have been many downs, but they have such wonderful abilities to lift me back up. I'm sure, after we get through the next few weeks I'll be back on my cloud. I just can't shake this sense of trepidation. It will pass.

Summer is here!

2010-06-14T09:28:00.001-07:00

The boys' communication skills are improving every day. They are repeating our words often and incorporating them into their own vocabulary, sometimes surprising me with their memories. Sometimes a word I think is GIGO to them (garbage in - garbage out) pops up a few days or a week or two later, said in appropriate context. It's truly amazing!

They're also continuing to develop their own language. They'll master a word, say for instance "shoe" and say it well for some time and then all of a sudden "shoe" becomes "ish." There are many words like that where they make up their own together and that's what they use. The latest is the word for flashlight/torch. They call them "Ahno."

They are referring to each other by name now. Ronan is "Ro Ro" and William is "Eeeuuuh." Sometimes William is "Wah Woh Woo" (we call him "Woo Woo" a lot). When William wants Ronan he chases after him saying "Ro Ro." They're also very thoughtful of each other. When Dave took William out for an errand the other day leaving Ronan with me, William reached out to Ronan's car seat and kept repeating "Ro Ro?" They often get toys for each other, giving their brother the toy first before getting their own (same for drinks and food).

They also fight, boy do they fight! They mostly fight over toys, but occasionally over parents or positions. William has chosen Dave as his parent and Ronan has chosen me as his parent. If we switch there is sometimes a fight, where they push each other or Dave and me out of the way. Yesterday William wanted me nowhere near the couch he was sharing with Dave.

They're getting more and more obedient, especially William. Ronan is lashing out at times trying to get attention. He fakes falls a lot and when I say (in a silly exaggerated way) "Oh no! Ronan fell down!" he'll slam his hands and feet on the floor in a show of drama to illustrate that he fell. Ronan runs off a lot with his mischievous grin and giggle, or throws things with that same grin and giggle. Telling him not to do it just seems to make him try harder. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to give him the attention he seems to require but in a more positive form, rather than make him feel he needs to be naughty to get that attention.

They are obsessed with cars, especially fire trucks. They call fire trucks "dingdingdingding" after the library song "Hurry Hurry Drive the Fire Truck." They fight over books about fire trucks and their fire truck toys. They also still LOVE toy phones (and real ones - but after the 911 incident we keep the real ones well protected).

With the warm weather we have set up some sand and water buckets for play and I occasionally give them the hose to play with. I've put an attachment on the hose so it only squirts when the attachment is squeezed and the boys know how to use it. They have so much fun with it!

We'll be starting to spend more time in the pool soon. We have some good life vests for them, given as gifts from some dear friends. I'm eager to use them.

We spend a lot of time at Happy Hollow, which is a zoo and mini amusement park for little ones. The boys especially love riding the cars and petting the goats. We also go to the Children's Discovery Museum regularly, which is a great place for them full of entertainment and "discovery." The Bob the Builder exhibit is on now.

Language

2010-05-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

Jusst a quick post about the boys little twin speak they have going on lately. It started sometime around November. I don't understand a great deal of it and a lot of it seems to be gibberish, but there are some words I have recognized time and again. I've been slowly learning their language. Signing has helped because if they know the sign, they say their words when performing the sign.

As I mentioned in my last post, the best one is the way they say "please." It's hilarious, really. They move their tongue side to side along their upper teeth sounding like "luhluhluh?" They use it most when wanting to push a button, turn a light on or off, or open a door or cupboard. They sometimes chase each other around the house saying it when they want a specific toy. They rub their chests when saying it, using the sign for "please." William is getting really good at using the actual word, "please."

Guy-de-guy is another good one. I just learned that it means "kitty cat." They can both say "kitty cat," too, and "kitty cat" was one of their first words for both of them. It took me a couple of months to figure it out but one day Ronan was pointing to Tempest out the window and saying "guy-de-guy!"

"Diggadigga" and "digga this" is probably "look at this." I'm unsure, that that seems to be it based on the context.

"Gittacar" is Ronan's way of saying "guitar." He uses the sign and just loves guitars.

"Bah" evolved from "bup" which evolved from "up up." They can both say "up" but prefer to say "bah" when they want to be picked up.

"Da Dah" with emphasis on the "dah" means "all done" and they say this while signing "all done." They use it most when finished with a meal but will also use it when they are tired of playing at something, like when they are done playing in the ball pit.

"Ass" is not a bad word in this house, at least not anymore. They say it to say "glasses," "that," "hands," wristwatch," and "socks."

"Eeh-eeh" like a squeaking creaking bed is how they refer to their squeaker shoes. The squeaker shoes make great squeaking noises with every step. They like to wear them to run around for short times like they are toys, but they bore of them quickly and take them off, bring them to me, and ask for their shoes.

"Baboo" is the name of their favorite soothing objects. Ronan has his favorite bunny and his fuzzy bunny. William has his blue silky blanket. This started suddenly a little over a month ago. What I love about it is that "baboo" was the word my nice Haley used to refer to her favorite things. Since I never introduced the boys to that word, I like to think that Haley may have taught it to them, that maybe it's her way of letting us know she's around, loves us, and is doing great where she is.

"Ssssss" is their way of letting me know that they are doing their business or about to do their business, the kind of business that requires an immediate potty break or a diaper change.

That's all I can think of for now.

Long overdue

2010-05-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

First of all, my apologies, again, for not keeping this blog updated. Time really gets away from me and is passing far too quickly.

The boys are doing very well! They were full walkers by 13-14 months. Though they took their first independent steps around 10-11 months, and were able to walk across a room by about 12 months, they relied on crawling, their faster means of travel, for quite some time.

They're incredibly happy toddlers and are very communicative. Ronan has a vocabulary of somewhere between 50 and 100 words and William is very quickly catching up with him. both of them love to repeat words we say several times until they make the word part of their own collection. Their favorite word is still "this," which was one of their very first few words. They have also been developing their own twin speak. My favorite W&R word is "luhluhluh?" which is spoken by running the tongue side to side on the upper lip and upper teeth. It means "please" and is most used when they want to play with light switches or buttons, but also used when they want an item. Just about a week ago, though, they learned how to say the actual word, "please" so they switch between that and their own version. They also sign please.

Signing has become a fun part of our communication. We started signing at around 6 to 8 months. Both boys can regularly sign about 20 or so words, but are also learning more at a rapid rate. It's tough for me to keep up with teaching them new signs since signing is somewhat new to me. I've always wanted to learn, especially because my cousin Jessica is deaf and I have always felt that I have been remiss in my sign education. I love my cousin dearly and have always wished I could communicate better with her.

We love dressing the boys up nice. Button-down shirts, corduroys, polo shirts, and nice overall sets are among our favorites. I love the overall outfits because they fit the boys longest.

At their 18-month well baby checkup, which was really closer to 19 months, Ronan weighed 26.5 pounds and was 34.5" tall. William weighed 25.5 pounds and was 33" tall.

We graduated them to big-boy beds a few weeks ago. It went really well! William always had trouble sleeping through the night until morning. I had an instinctive thought that he perhaps just didn't like sleeping in a crib and never did. So, in my desperation from my own sleepless nights, one night when Dave was out of town I put William to bed in the couch bed that we kept in his room. I woke up at 7am wondering what was wrong with William. Nothing wrong, just a very well-slept happy boy! Ever since that night he's slept on a bed and not in his crib. Ever since then I've been able to get a full night of sleep most nights. That went really well for a few weeks but then Ronan decided he wanted to sleep in a bed, too. So, we bought them twin beds and they love them. Ronan used a great word in context for the first time when he sat with me on his bed. He put his hands on the frame and said, "mine!"

I'm so proud of these little guys, so extremely proud. They've made me incredibly happy and I feel extremely blessed. My neighbor said some very kind things to me today. He said, "There is something special about those boys. I could tell when I first saw them. They're very bright and aware. They're going to blow you away."

They are.

Double blessings

2009-10-29T15:26:00.001-07:00

Stranger: Are they twins?
Me: Yes, they are.
Stranger: I'm so sorry for you.
Me: I'm not. I feel very blessed.

The saying "double blessings" sounds so cliche, but it's so true. Every baby is a blessing, more babies = more blessings. I know that for many people a baby seems to be more of a curse than a blessing and that breaks my heart. I know babies are expensive to raise and take a lot of time and energy to care for them. I know that a lot of parents simply don't have the resources and let's not forget the poor young women who accidentally get pregnant when they are alone and sometimes just children themselves.

Nevertheless, children are blessings from God. That means people are blessings from God. We've all heard the saying "he thinks he's God's gift to the world." Well, why can't he/she be just that? We all have the ability to be God's gift to the world if we give to the world.

It doesn't take much. One woman today helped me out to the car with my shopping. I was at a store that doesn't allow shopping carts out of the store and it would have been very difficult to cart my purchases to my car while pushing the double stroller. It took this woman all of about 2 minutes to help me but she made a big impact.

Today we ordered William's glasses. They were expensive at $250, but really, can we put a price on William's vision? The Rx was at about 4.5, which means he is very farsighted. He really needs these glasses and since we are treating his vision problems so early, he has a chance of actually achieving good vision by the time his vision stops developing. So, this $250 might seem like a bargain when you really think about it. I was thinking of all of the research and education that went into getting William his glasses, the many years of humans studying the eyes and figuring out how to help the vision of others. Over the next week or so there will be more people involved in making William's glasses just right. The lenses need crafting, then they need to be put into the frames (how they do that really amazes me). It boggles my mind to think of all the many people throughout time and throughout the world that had an influence on William getting his glasses, even if that influence was tiny and without any mind to how they would be helping my little boy.

Everyone has an impact on this world and on others in most everything that we do. We have an impact on others in our jobs, the way we drive in traffic, even in the way we carry ourselves when out and about running errands. We can be blessings or curses, but thankfully the vast majority of people choose to bless the earth and bless others with their lives even if they don't realize it. Like I said, it doesn't take much. A smile or kind word can work miracles.

With the world as it is today we are always reminded about our carbon footprint. We all have a carbon footprint no matter what. It's the price of being alive. Lately, as we become more and more aware of it, guilt of just living can become immense. While I strongly believe in being eco-friendly, we should also be happy to be alive and rejoice in our time here and rejoice in the others that are also alive with us.

What is the opposite of a carbon footprint? An "oxygen" footprint? I Googled this and found an interesting blog post that says the opposite of a carbon footprint is "God's footprint." While I actually disagree with a lot of what is written in that blog post, she does make some interesting points. Mostly, what I take from that post is that in addition to a carbon footprint, which we can't help but leave, we can also leave a positive footprint (or God footprint in a sense).

So, I guess it leads me back to blessings and how the twins are a double blessing and yes, I believe they are God's gift to the world, just as each and every one of us is. What we do with this gift is our choice, but I believe that we are meant to leave goodness and light in our wake. We are meant to give of ourselves, give our love and spread positive energy the best that we can. I know it's not so easy sometimes, maybe a lot of the time. We all get bogged down by troubles big and small. Trying to look past the troubles is sometimes difficult, but humans are so amazing and optimistic because that's exactly what people tend to do. We still can find ways to give of ourselves even when we think we have nothing to give, even when we don't even realize we are giving.

That's how the human race has survived and evolved. Think about it.

Isn't it amazing that performing even a small kindness for a stranger can impact generations? Isn't it even more amazing how far our reach is over time and space?

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being alive.

The good news is...

2009-10-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

The doctor was able to squeeze William in for an appointment this evening. He did a full examination including a Bruckner Test. The white glow in William's eye is not due to something really nasty. What a relief! It's still not a good sign, but it's nothing catastrophic. Essentially, his vision is very poor and he's using only one eye to fix on what he sees. He needs glasses asap so we'll go get them ordered tomorrow and hope we get them soon. The pediatric ophthalmologist wants to see him back in 8 weeks to see if the glasses help him to use both of his eyes and also help him to be able to focus. Apparently, the poor guy sees blurry and double all the time.

I urge all of you with small children to consider getting their eyes checked. Vision problems can be greatly improved if treatment (in William's case, glasses and possibly more patching and maybe surgery) is given while their vision is still developing. We all want to do the best for our children, right?

William's eyes

2009-10-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

From the moment William was born, we could tell he looked at us differently than other babies. He had a way of looking you that made you feel as though he could see your soul. He would just stare. Sometimes, when he was just weeks old, he would stare at me and smile and coo. It was the sweetest thing. He looked full of love and sweetness.

Even then I could tell that his eyes were misaligned. It wasn't severe, but it was noticeable. Through the first few months I kept reading in various places, including the informational sheets sent home with me from the pediatrician's office, that a cross-eyed look can be normal in infancy. I reminded myself of this often and waited for it to get better. Instead of getting better it got suddenly worse right at about his first birthday.

I brought this to our pediatrician's attention at his well-baby appointment. She made a referral to the ophthalmology department. We saw the ophthalmologist a little over a week ago. At the time, I just mentioned that he seemed to be cross-eyed from birth but that more recently it seemed to have gotten much more prominent and that William seems to be bothered by it, often shaking his head, bumping into things, and hitting the side of his face with his hand and rubbing his left eye a lot. He's also crying a lot more than he used to. Actually, he has always been such a happy baby, but the last few weeks he has difficulty in the afternoons and is often inconsolable.

After a thorough examination I was told that William's left eye is very weak, that he is very farsighted in the +3 to +4 range, and that we should start patching his right eye a few hours a day and soon get him glasses and plan on corrective surgery to align the left eye.

A few days ago I noticed in some photos that his left eye shows leukocoria. I just learned that word recently, because of this issue. It means "white pupil." I recalled an article I read about this when I was pregnant. I wrote to the ophthalmologist about it and he said he saw the white glow, but didn't see anything bad in his examination. We can't get in to see the pediatric ophthalmologist until November 13th. Right now that seems like forever away.

I've learned that leukocoria is never normal and by what I've found, it's usually an indication of a health problem. Dave and I are doing some research on the matter to present, with photographs of it, to our pediatrician at our appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully we can get some peace of mind on this matter soon.

Biting!

2009-10-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

The boys discovered their teeth not long after they grew them. The first tooth came it a little before 7 months. The second tooth soon followed. These were their bottom front incisors. The top front incisors came a couple of weeks later. The next teeth on top came at about 10 months and the next two bottom teeth came in at 12 months. Right now they are both showing signs of more teeth coming in, perhaps their top first molars.

It was at about 10 months that William discovered that his teeth could be a powerful tool. I was watching them fighting over a toy, yet again, when William got a look on his face and it was almost as if a light bulb appeared over his head. He leaned over and bit Ronan on the arm so quickly I couldn't imagine Ronan even felt it. Within seconds Ronan was screaming and he had deep teeth marks in his bicep. Ronan dropped the toy and William scuttled off with it and a big grin to match.

That was the beginning of the biting war. Most of the time William is to blame. Most of the time I don't even have to see it to know what happened. They seem to have a tell-tale grunt when they bite and a tell-tale scream when they are bitten. Ronan gets a few good licks in now and then, but William really does damage. I didn't get their 1-year photos done at Sears because I didn't want Ronan photographed in the studio with big dark bruises and a few small cuts on his left cheek.

For awhile time-outs worked but then the boys started laughing at me. They laugh at me when I say my most stern "NO!" They laugh at me when I try to show disappointment. They laugh when I show shock or dismay. They think most everything I do is funny, and that in itself is funny. Still, I'm at my wits end how to resolve this biting issue.

On that first bite a funny thing happened. I tried to get a photo of the bite and just as Ronan noticed the camera, he stopped crying and smiled to pose for the photo the very instant it was taken!

I think that shows how used to being photographed they are. hehe

One year old!!! And walking!

2009-10-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a month late in posting this, but as you can imagine, keeping up with twin toddlers keeps me busy! Yes, I said toddlers. They started being able to walk across a room the very week of their birthday.

Walking was something that they worked up to. Most people I know seem to know the very day their baby or babies started walking. Both William and Ronan practiced it for about 4 months. They would take a few steps on their own at about 10 months, but didn't really show any inclination toward taking walking to the next level. They got really good and fast at crawling. They loved walking along furniture and from one piece of furniture to the next, but if we practiced walking with them, using their hands to hold them up, they got bored quickly and dropped to their hands and knees, especially William.

Even after they proved they could walk, they still chose crawling as their main mode of transportation for about another month. William got the jist of it just a few days before Ronan did, but they were always pretty much on the same page. Now they both walk all over the place and look so cute! "They look like little baby zombies!" Dave said of their walking style. We got them penguin costumes for Halloween. Their walk is a lot like a penguin walk. Although, I am tempted to dress them as zombies for a little Halloween video. I'll only get this one opportunity. hehe

We had 3 birthday parties in all. Dave had to be in the UK on their actual birthday so we held a little family party, just the 4 of us, before he left. We had some cake and presents on Sunday, September 20th. We gave them a crawling tunnel and some wooden block puzzles. They love wooden block puzzles and are getting very good at them.

On Wednesday, their actual birthday, I invited a few friends over and their children. Heather, Gavin, Tanner, Carmen, Maya, Rachel, Karen, Elena, Fiona, Ashley, Stephanie, and Avery were all in attendance. We had cake and had our own little party. I put some ball-pit balls into the boys' little blowup paddling pool in the family room and we had our own little ball pit, though 250 balls really doesn't go very far toward filling that pool. The kids really loved it just the same. I should take this opportunity to mention a special group of women with whom I have bonded with over the last year and a half. They are my fellow twin mommies I met on a website geared toward helping women maintain healthy pregnancies. This particular website had forums for people to communicate with others who are due around the same time. I met 7 other women all expecting twins at the same time I was! We posted to each other on a daily basis, sharing our experiences, hopes, and fears. We went through some similar ups and downs and supported each other through them as well as our own unique individual ups and downs. Now all of our twins, all 4 girls and 12 boys, are one-year-old and we are all still in frequent contact. There were a couple of twin mommies who joined us for a little while. We remember them, though we don't hear from them. Anyway, this group of gals and I pitched in for a couple of birthday onesies. We call them the "traveling onesies" and we sent them to each other, photographing our children in them then sending the onesies to the next family. You'll see them in some of the photos.

On Saturday, October 2nd, we had the big party at my mom's house. In attendance were Graeme, Ashley, Roger, Rumna, Dolly, Keith, Steve, Jack, Chris, Molly, Bev, Betsy, and I hate to admit there were a couple of people whose names I can't recall right now. It's late and my mind isn't so clear at the moment.

We had a lovely time at all 3 parties and we are certain that the boys officially love parties, especially parties for them.
Some photos:

The boys earned their wings!

2009-10-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

We took our first family trip in August. We went to Salt Lake City and then to Las Vegas. This trip was taken for many reasons. We wanted to introduce the boys to my large extended family in Utah. I have many aunts and uncles and hundreds of cousins. You'd be amazed by the size and even more amazed by the closeness and love we share. My high school reunion also happened to coincide with a family gathering so it seemed like fate that we take the trip that particular weekend, the weekend of August 15th. To add to that fate, a good friend of mine who lives in New York was going to be vacationing in Vegas that week and with Southwest Airlines flight schedules, it worked out well to book a series of one-way tickets with a stop in Vegas before returning home.

We borrowed some Go-Go-Babyz from a good friend of ours who has twins that are 7 months older than William and Ronan. They were very handy, indeed! They allowed us to wheel the boys in their car seats right to the gate and on the plane. It did feel funny to be pulling the boys in this manner as if they were luggage.

We really enjoyed the trip even though it was a whirlwind visit. We managed to visit with many family members individually and in groups. It was also very nice to see many of the people I knew in high school. I actually didn't realize I had missed so many people from 20 years ago. Yes, 20 years ago! It was really nice to be back in touch with them. Also, through the fantastic wonders of the internet, there are a lot of us all in touch every day now, mostly through Facebook.

While in Vegas we saw the MGM lions, the Siren Song show at TI, walked around a lot, ate at a few buffets, stayed in a fancy suite at the Venetian (thank you, Dave!), and took a tour through Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.

Here are some photos of our trip presented in no particular order:

Dorothea Lange

2009-10-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this months ago in the wake of Daniel's passing. He helped me write this piece on his mother, but I never had the courage to show it to him. I wish I had. Another dear friend of mine helped me to write it and I just learned that his wife just passed on. When he broke the news to my mother he said, "She's moved on to join Daniel. What an awkward pair they make!" Well, I can't verify the exact words he said, but it was very close to that.

Here is the paper (forgive the formatting, this blogger editor isn't easy):


The Unknown Dorothea
She was born Dorothea Nutzhorn in Hoboken, New Jersey, on 26th May, 1895. Her father was German and had abandoned the family when she was young. Her mother worked as a librarian while her grandmother worked as a seamstress. According to Rondal Partridge, Dorothea’s photography assistant, good friend and “adopted” son, “her grandmother was a vicious drunk.” With her mother busy working and her grandmother working and drinking, Dorothea raised her younger brother Martin. She contracted polio at the age of seven which left her foot shriveled up; she was left with a permanent limp as a result. She believed this crippling helped to make her who she was and put her more in touch with the world. It was her upbringing that taught Dorothea to hold her head high no matter what happened. She once said that she had discovered a way of becoming invisible. She would just hold her head high and nobody would notice her. She later assumed her mother’s maiden name, Lange.
	Her family wanted her to become a teacher; she wanted to become a photographer. She didn’t own a camera, but this was what she wanted to do. Her career began in San Francisco in the 1920s. She belonged to the California Camera Club where a friend convinced her that she had something special with her work. She opened a studio and took portraits on commission. During this time she married artist Maynard Dixon and had two sons. She traveled the American Southwest with Dixon taking photographs while he painted. For a short time the family lived in Taos, New Mexico where Dixon produced many paintings depicting the Native Americans of the area.
In the 1930s she felt that her portrait work, while she thought it was good, wasn’t where she wanted to focus her attentions. She wanted to do more than photograph just the people that paid her. In the early 1930s she went to the streets in search of inspiration. She photographed what others wanted to avoid: breadlines, waterfront strikes and the people affected most by the Great Depression.
In 1935 she worked for the California and Federal Resettlement Administrations, which led to her working for the Farm Security Administration (FSA) led by Roy Stryker. (Profotos) It was while she was doing this work that she fell in love with her second husband, Paul Taylor, Chairman of the Economics Department of the University of California. Paul was in charge of her team with the FSA. “Paul Taylor was an explorer, not of seas and continents, but of nearly unnoticed social events as they began to take form.” (Kerr, Dorothea Lange Fellowship)
Paul first came in contact with Dorothea's photographs in the summer of 1934, when he saw her picture of a strike orator in a local art gallery. (Dorothea Lange Fellowship) At this time she was still a studio photographer but had been following her instincts and exploring her real passion, documenting the events on the streets, photographing people in their true nature instead of in the sterile confines of a studio. Friends and family described their relationship as “a great love affair.” Paul and Dorothea were true soul-mates. Even the best soul-mates have differences, as did Dorothea and Paul. Paul was involved in politics, spoke seldom and softly and approached everything with careful thought and precision. Dorothea lived in the moment. She was gregarious, always moving and reacting quickly. She wasn’t interested in politics, she was interested in people. (Dorothea Lange Fellowship) She was also a perfectionist. “She kept the cleanest, best arranged house. There were never any ashes in her fireplace though she lit the fire often. You never saw how she did it.” (Partridge)
Her most famous photograph, “Migrant Mother” was taken while working for the FSA. Her photos, coupled with Taylor’s essays and captions, provided evidence of the urgent need of government assistance for displaced Americans. This photo has been reproduced in many forms, including a United States Postage Stamp.
	Just as she held her head high, she kept her photographic standards high. Later in life, after she had achieved a name in photography, she charged $200 for a portrait. At the time Ansel Adams was charging $40 and Imogen Cunningham was charging $20. Dorothea got $200 per portrait because she priced her standards high. (Partridge) It was this pride that led her to get fired by Stryker. Stryker wanted her to submit her negatives to be developed by what Partridge called “darkroom junkies.” Dorothea wanted to do her own work, which resulted in her holding back some negatives; she wanted to keep her standards at the highest level. Though she had her disagreements with Stryker, she still spoke fondly of him, calling him a “genius.”
While World War II brought an end to her work with the FSA, it opened up new possibilities and sent her in new directions. Hired by the War Relocation Authority, Lange documented the forced relocation of Japanese-Americans to internment camps. In 1940 she was the first woman to receive a Guggenheim fellowship, though illness prevented her from completing the grant to travel the country photographing the American people. (Dorothea Lange Fellowship)
By this time she was already sick with stomach problems combined with a chronic fatigue which resulted from her childhood bout with polio. Later, doctors discovered that she had cancer of the esophagus. Lange battled the cancer for ten years following the diagnosis. By 1954 she became so limited that she couldn’t go on magazine assignments that took her out into the field. She still always kept her camera around her neck but as she couldn’t go out, she began to photograph her family and her own domain. “She built up quite a body of work in that way,” said her son, Daniel Dixon. She was an extremely family-oriented person. She had high expectations of her children but when her grandchildren came along she spared them the pressure she often imposed on her sons.
“It’s important to understand why she got ill,” says Partridge. Dorothea took responsibility for the brother she raised. Affectionately referred to as her “monkey,” Martin was “a warm, friendly fuzzy dog.” (Partridge) At one point Martin was fixing up Dorothea’s house in San Francisco when a friend of his offered to pay him a substantial sum of money to fix up his house. Martin accepted the job knowing that the money he was being paid had been stolen by his friend. When the police asked Martin about the money, he confessed that he knew the money was stolen and for his part, he went to jail for a year. “This caused such an upset in Dorothea that her stomach acid flowed and eroded her throat, which led to the cancer,” says Partridge.
	Regardless of her illness or in spite of it, in 1954 she went to Southeast Asia on a long-term trip that included the countries of Japan, Korea, Indonesia, Vietnam, and the Philippines among others. Taylor was doing work with the governments of these countries. He was working for the Ford Foundation, hired to work on land reform. Taylor and Lange traveled on diplomatic passports. They enjoyed all the privileges of being an elite traveler. All necessities were provided by the Ford Foundation and the various governments of the countries they visited. Though ill she was as comfortable abroad as she would have been at home. “She went with no assignments, she went just on her own, not understanding the culture or language, just guided by her sense of vision, what she saw,” says Dixon, “The work she produced during this time was, in my opinion, the most evocative of her career.” She often asked herself, “what in the world am I doing here with a camera?” What she was doing was trying to find understanding through the camera. (Dixon)
Prior to taking the trip she consulted a doctor to see about traveling with her health condition. The doctor said, “What difference does it make whether you die here or there? Go!” (Dixon) During the next several years they traveled from Asia to the Middle East to Egypt, then from Egypt they went to India, Nepal and Pakistan. From there they went through Russia and Europe by way of Volkswagon before returning home to the United States. (Dixon) Dorothea spoke fondly of her years spent abroad. She said that living in Asia and the Middle East gave her a “third eye” in her head. She saw things in a different perspective. (Smithsonian Archives of American Art)
	The trips to Asia, Middle East and Europe produced the last major body of work she completed. When she returned she continued to photograph her life at home around Berkeley. This work at home was a conclusion to the work she began prior to her travels just after falling ill.
In 1953 she was asked to put together a body of work for a major one-woman exhibition at the New York Museum of Modern Art (MOMA). It took her almost two years to look through all the work that she’d done and put it into some kind of order; to arrange it so that it showed some development of her as a photographer. (Dixon)
Dorothea died on October 11, 1965 just a few weeks prior to the opening of her exhibit at the MOMA. When the exhibit opened her family received a message from President Lyndon B. Johnson in recognition of her work. Her husband, Paul Taylor, donated the bulk of her collection to the Oakland Museum of California where it remains. The collection consists of over 25,000 negatives and more than 6,000 prints. (Profotos)
Lange’s compassion for people and dedication to her worked marked her as not just one of the “greats” of photography, but according to Partridge, she was the greatest photographer of the 20th century. “Other photographers used photography selfishly as a method of self-expression, their work was inward looking. Dorothea’s work was outward looking; it was about poverty and society. This is where she did something and made a difference.” (Partridge)
Recently, the photograph Dorothea considered her “most famed photograph” sold at auction for $882,000, breaking the record for this type of work. The photograph, “White Angel Breadline” and was taken on her first day out on the streets in San Francisco in the early 1930s. It was “instinct” that told her to take that photo. (Dixon; Smithsonian Archives of American Art)
According to those that knew her, she had the most insightful eyes one would ever know. She saw and heard everything. In her last days, Dorothea said what a pleasure it was to take a picture and to see that what you have done is "true." (Dorothea Lange Fellowship)

(All photos courtesy of Daniel and Dixie Dixon)

Breaking the silence

2009-10-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, then I must thank you for coming back after my long absence. It has been difficult to write for many reasons. There is so much I wanted to write here that I was overwhelmed and buried by the weight of it all. The boys are taking more and more of my time and energy, not that I'm complaining, it's just the fact of it. I truly love it. Every day they teach me how truly wonderful family is and what a blessing it is to have children. I feel so extremely blessed!

I have a lot of posts to catch up on so I'll try to be brief with them while hoping not to leave anything pertinent out. We have a crisis on our hands at the moment and we could use the support and prayers from friends and family. I'll get to that in one of the upcoming posts.

Thanks for coming back!

The obituary we wish we could have printed

2009-07-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

My sister wrote a lovely obituary, which combined statements from several sources and included exerpts from many of Daniel's writings. Since we couldn't afford to publish it in the newspaper, I wanted to include it here.

The obituary that was printed in the Monterey Herald on Sunday, may be found here.

***

Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane
I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain
Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes.

Daniel Rhodes Dixon—connoisseur of that which is most beautiful in life—closed his eyes last Thursday, in what was one of the few peaceful events of his restless life. The scion of two celebrated Californians, photographer Dorothea Lange and painter Maynard Dixon, Daniel was 84.

Daniel did not like standard obituaries. He found them "lifeless" and "without heartbeat." As a journalist for the Monterey County Post, in a display of his own genius, Mr. Dixon displayed witty self-deprecation in preparing his own obituary, wherein he quoted his famed mother, the late photographer, as describing her (first) son as "irregular."

Admitting as much in his autobiographical obituary, Mr. Dixon also pictured his school days persona as "an incorrigible truant who dropped out of school in the tenth grade to become a wandering delinquent...who once stole and pawned his mother's cameras."

"Even the military couldn't keep him in line…. 9 of his 12 months were spent in the stockade... he rose to the rank of private before the Army finally capitulated, allowing him to escape with an honorable discharge. Mr. Dixon then returned to the streets. Most of his days were spent in public libraries, where he was able to keep warm."

While "staying warm," he indeed received a de facto education that served him well in later years.

Daniel's life and career were marked by excellence. Mr. Dixon's career ranged from writing articles for such publications as Pageant, Life and Look Magazines to advertising products and services for agencies that included Doyle Dane Burnbach and BBD & O, later rising to creative director at both McCann Erickson and Ogilvy &Mather by the 1980s.

Among prize-winning campaigns he directed were the famed Volkswagen ads of the early to mid-60s, the billboards and TV spots which defined the bug as a charming and reliable, if eccentric, companion.

Daniel's constant companion was the English language. While courting his first wife, Mia, Daniel began writing light verse, a diversion which he continued throughout the course of his life. Indeed, to his final days he maintained a remarkable acuity of mind.

"I've seen psychiatrists in hordesBut never found a free one In view of which these few, brief words: I'd rather be than see one."

Encouraged by numerous friends, he submitted a portfolio of his freelance work to two advertising agencies. To his amazement, both of them offered him a job.
And later…

The winter's breath
Denudes the trees.
Can this be death?
I freeze. I freeze.

Naked the root and bare the limb;
Withered the fruit when days are dim.
The stones are cold
The stars are chill;
I'm growing old
But love you still.

These leaves that swirl
From branch to bough
Oh, lovely girl,
Where are you now?

During Mr. Dixon's career, he also wrote articles for such publications as Pageant, Life and Look Magazines, as well as later for the Monterey County Post.

Directing his creative talents into politics, Mr. Dixon helped shape campaigns for the House of Representatives, the U.S. Senate, mayor of New York and Chicago, and President of the United States.

In recognition of his genius, Mr. Dixon humorously boasted, again in his self-written obit, that he "was probably the only man ever to be offered and to turn down the job of picture editor for Playboy Magazine."

In later years, he traveled the world giving presentations and interviews about his parents' lives and work. Among his publications, Mr. Dixon wrote a memoir of his father called The Thunderbird Remembered.

Interestingly, the nonpareil qualities he so aptly illustrates of his progenitors are unique descriptions of Daniel himself. While his father was a painter with pigments, Daniel was a painter with words.

“Looking where my father looked, I couldn't see what he was able to see. I just saw a desert, but he saw a creation – colors and contours and values and relationships that remained invisible to me until his sketches disclosed them.”

It is precisely this that made Daniel's words so brilliant—his ability to bring to light the poignance of the small things—the contours, values, and colors of life and relationships.

As he described his own views of views of his mother, he called them "perhaps blurred by emotion, but unclouded by scholarship."

Among his favorite pursuits were cooking, of which he wrote, "Beats writing...Nobody dares tell you when it's lousy."

Aside from cooking, communication was his main forte. He had a unique ability with words and used them in a courting nature. He didn't like drinking water and when asked why, he replied, "because it makes me feel bilious."

Daniel loved books. Among his favorite poems, he kept this one tacked upon the wall:

The silver swan, who living had no note,
As death approached, unlocked her silent throat.
Leaning her breast against the reedy shore,
Thus sung her first and last, and sung no more.

Farewell all joys. Oh death, come close thine eyes,
More geese than swans now live, more fools than wise.
--Orlando Gibbon, early 1600s

He also rejoiced in the company of his ukulele, which he believed had a mind and heart of its own. He was as married to the ukulele as he was to his wife, and played it proudly, entertaining all who were so fortunate to hear with his Hawaiian ditties "guaranteed to induce groans of dismay." He was certain that his old comrade would miss him when he was gone. His last work, the capstone of his life as a littérateur, is a book on the ukulele, recently completed and now in the editing process.

In listing his surviving family members, whom he categorized as "certified eccentrics," Mr. Dixon described his wife as "his greatest joy and comfort in or out of this world." In his own words, "He is only temporarily separated from his wife Dixie. Mr. Dixon did not know whether or not he believed in God, but he did believe that this marriage would last forever, even after death."

Daniel is also survived by his daughter, screenwriter Leslie Dixon of San Francisco and Beverly Hills; a younger brother John who lives in Orinda; his grandson Thomas, three stepchildren, 9 step-grandchildren, a niece, and two nephews.

At the request of Daniel, no memorial services will be held. A smile upon his memory may be given in a moment of quiet reflection upon his words:

"From somewhere out yonder, Mr. Dixon says 'Hello!' Nobody there ever says goodbye."

Daniel

2009-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane

I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye

God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes.

"Daniel" - Elton John

We lost another very dear family member and the boys lost another grandfather. Though the boys still have two grandfathers (my father and grandfather), Daniel, so far, was the only grandfather the boys have ever met. Daniel was there to meet the boys in the hospital when they were first born. He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. Though he loved both boys dearly, he had a special fondness for William, because William had a special fondness for him. When he was just a day old, William seemingly loved staring at Daniel. William smiled every time he saw him, smiled and squealed in delight, even when he was just weeks old. At Christmas Daniel said he was sad that he wouldn't get to see William grow up, to see the man he would become. At Daniel's bedside on Wednesday night I asked Daniel to be William's special guardian angel, and to watch over him.

***

Last Tuesday morning my mom called me to tell me that her husband Daniel was in the ER with a brain-bleed. She said he'll have some tests and then will be admitted to the ICU. I knew it must be bad.

I'm not so portable now with the boys. It took me about 24 hours to get everything ready for the 80-mile trip, packing for at least a 3-day stay and hoping for the best. When I arrived I was trying to tell myself I was there to help support Daniel through a recovery and rehabilitation process. When I saw him, I put on my best smile and told him my theory on time, that all he has to do is let time keep ticking and soon enough he'll be back home again. When I said "back home" I knew, deep down, that it wasn't going to happen.

He was beautiful lying in that bed, though I could tell he was absolutely miserable. He couldn't speak and anyone who knew Daniel, knew that aside from cooking, communication was his main forte. He had an amazing talent with words. He didn't like drinking water and when asked why, he replied, "because it makes me feel bilious." Among the words he taught me, "virago" is my favorite.

He lived life with a flair nobody could match except for my mother. The two were/are a perfect pair (I hate speaking in the past-tense of anyone who has passed on since I believe they are still with us, just in a different form). The inability to communicate was killing him.

They had to tie him down because he kept pulling out all the tubes and needles they had hooked all over him. This was Daniel's worst nightmare. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were telling me that he was glad to see me, but that he was embarrassed at being seen that way. His eyes were saying, "please, don't let me live like this!" He struggled against the wrist straps and tried to get comfortable in the bed, though it seemed it was his own skin that was his enemy this time, not the hospital, not the tubes, and not the bed. It seemed that he was stuck in an uncooperative shell.

The doctor said he was beyond comprehension but none of us who saw him believed it. When he was squirming I asked if he was itchy. He nodded and hummed his assent. I rubbed his feet, first the left and then the right, but he pulled his right foot away. I asked if that made him uncomfortable and he again hummed his agreement. I put a pillow under his left leg and he relaxed a little and I asked if that was better. He nodded. Yes, he was able to understand and he had some ability of communicating. He was also able to squeeze hands, gently, in answer to some questions.

The boys and I spent the next few hours in the ICU waiting room while my mom and some family friends took turns visiting Daniel. We went to my mom's house at around 7 o'clock for the boys' dinner, bath, and bed, which is their normal night routine but started quite late. I heard my phone beeping when I was in the middle of giving them bottles and struggling with them to get them to drink; they were very confused by the different surroundings and upset of their schedule. I tried to let it go but curiosity and fear got the best of me. I took a break and checked my phone. It was a text from my mom, "Daniel's not going to make it. My phone battery is going and I need my charger." I called her immediately and fearing losing the last of her battery I simply asked, "where is your charger" knowing that we'll cover the rest when I got to the hospital.

I gathered the boys up as quickly as possible, grabbed the nearest 2 blankets, their bottles, my mom's phone charger and the diaper bag and was out the door. I was severely unprepared for the night ahead, unprepared in every way.

I was at the hospital about 20 minutes later and arrived at the same time that my mom and Daniel's dear friend Steve Mortensen arrived. He helped me with the boys and we went straight to the ICU where we all spent the rest of the night. My mom was there to hold Daniel's hand and we were there to hold hers.

I said my farewell to Daniel and spent the rest of the night in the ICU waiting room. The boys fell asleep around 10 on the baby blankets we spread on the floor. At some point a nurse sent me a couple of warm blankets to put on the boys. The a/c was on and I was freezing, but I wanted the boys to be warm so I shivered in a chair while I hoped the boys slept comfortably on the floor. Ronan kept scooching forward off the blankets and slept a lot of the night curled up under a chair. I kept readjusting the blankets so he could stay warm. Around 2am I couldn't handle it any longer so I laid down on the floor next to the boys and fell asleep with them. At around 3am a very kind orderly brought me a lot of blankets and a couple of pillows. William woke at his usual 4am time to nurse but it wasn't enough. I'd gone all day without pumping and my blouse was drenched with milk. Fortunately I was wearing a blouse with a paisley print and it wasn't noticeable, though I certainly felt it. After that night I haven't been producing much milk at all. I don't know if this may have led to the end of breastmilk for the boys. While pumping the other night my left breast bled as much as it milked, leaving what was in the jar a bright pink.

At around 6 or 7am Daniel stopped breathing 7 times. He stopped for a good few minutes each time, each time turning a little blue, each time convincing my mom that it was over, then he'd start breathing again. Each death tore her up a little more. She stayed right there with him through the night and morning, leaving only twice to go to the bathroom. The last time, at around 10:15 Thursday morning, he stopped breathing and she told him not to breathe again, to go on and that everything would be fine. Daniel moved on.

I took the boys back to the house at about 8am to get them dressed and fed. I was getting ready to go back to the hospital when I heard Daniel's voice greet me. I turned around quickly and saw nobody there. This was at about 10:30. I got the call about 10 minutes later that Daniel had passed on.

Dave came down that day and we spent the rest of the weekend doing what we could for my mom. The boys were amazing and they helped us all through our grief, reminding us that life continues. Their constant need to have their schedule kept, feedings done at the right times, diapers changed, naps taken, and cuddles given, kept us busy and gave us joy when we would have otherwise been breaking.

Daniel was loved by hundreds, perhaps thousands. As the son of two brilliant and famous artists, Dorothea Lange and Maynard Dixon, he traveled the world giving presentations and interviews about his parents' lives and work. He was a successful writer and in advertising. He was as married to the ukulele as he was to my mother, and played it proudly entertaining us with his cute songs. His last work, a book on the ukulele, was recently finished and he was starting the editing and rewriting process. When my mom called the ambulance for him last week, he didn't want to go to the hospital because he had an important memo to write. My mom finished the memo for him later that day. His daughter, Leslie, my mom, I, and many of his friends are determined to see his ukulele project through to fruition.

He and my mom married 13 years ago. Their marriage was a perfect fusion of talent and love. They met at the Mission Ranch, which is owned by Clint Eastwood. To hear Daniel tell the tale, you'd believe that the earth shook when it happened so that all the world could feel it. Daniel so believed this was one of the earth's most notable historic moments that he once asked Clint Eastwood if he could put engraved plates on the bottoms of two barstools at the bar to commemorate the event. "Daniel Dixon met Dixie Dixon right here on _____, 1994."

When Dave and I were married in 2003 Daniel asked what the wedding color scheme was. I told him light blue and lavender. He came very well dressed in a grey suit with a light blue shirt and lavender tie. He knew something I didn't. I was still living in a fantasy where I believed my dad would actually make it to the event since my dad actually flew in and was staying in a local hotel. The wedding was to start at 4pm. At 4:15 the wedding planners told me he and his wife and boys were here and that they pinned flowers on them and we were ready to go. I asked where he was, they described him to me and I realized that wasn't my father. To this day I don't know who accidentally got pinned with the flowers. At 4:30 my dad called to tell me he was lost. I tried to give him directions to the wedding but he said he still had to go to his hotel to get on his suit. We only had the wedding venue until 5pm. I started to shake and cry. Our photographer who later became our dear friend, Jack Wasserbach was there for me. He took the phone from me and got my mom. Jack, my mom, and friends were there to console me and help me redo my makeup so we could go on with the wedding without my father. Daniel knew this would happen, though he hoped it wouldn't. He was ready and proud to walk me down the aisle in my father's stead. Thank you, Daniel. I love you!

We love you, Daniel, and miss you terribly! Rest in peace, dear father.

Tempus fugit.

Day of morbidity

2009-06-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

When not doing a media blackout, I like to tune in to the news in the morning to see if the world has ended overnight and if so, for whom. Today it ended for a couple of people in interesting ways.

The first report I saw was of the Continental flight with a dead pilot. When I tuned in, the plane was still in flight and was about to land, being flown by the copilot. I wonder if they informed the passengers of the situation. "May I have your attention, passengers? This is the copilot. Your esteemed pilot kicked the bucket this morning and we need to make a landing to get his corpse taken off before he stiffens up and can't be easily removed from the cockpit." Okay, maybe not like that. All due respect to the dearly departed pilot and his family. Hearing of his passing has hit me with some sadness, even though I never met him.

The next story was about a recent tornado. They showed some excellent coverage of the tornado near Aurora, Nebraska. It was taken by A. J. Fable, filming while driving into the mess. At one point Fable said, "...literally in front of my eyes look at this!" and "I'm literally 400 yards away from it!" He said, "This is truly incredible!" The news reporter then said, "and it is with incredible sadness that I report this gentleman's death from the tornado." Okay, so I'm paraphrasing but I was blown away (pun intended). Again, I was struck with a mixture of emotions: sadness for the guy's loss and sad for his family, but also it tickled my sick side that enjoys a good morbid laugh. It just seemed somewhat absurd; this guy driving into a tornado so excited about the footage he was getting, then him dying, then the news broadcasting this incredible footage and having to report the man's death. On one hand, it's a great homage to the man that they show this film that he "literally" died for, on the other, I wonder if he'll be put up for a Darwin Award.

*Edited to add: I have been searching for an article about Fable's death and can't find anything, which leads me to wonder if the reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated. Perhaps the news clip I saw this morning was in error. I know what I saw, I had Dave come and see it, too, and we blipped it back on the Tivo a few times. What I say I saw I saw, he saw she saw we saw seasaw and all that.

A test of faith

2009-06-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

I've recently learned, again, one of the many lessons that parenthood is meant to teach me. This lesson is one of faith. I've had many lessons about faith in my life, which leads me to believe that faith is one of those things you can never know enough about and never have enough of. Faith also ranks up there among the most important lessons in life, if not the most important.

In this life we are meant to learn many things. We have challenges that push us in different directions, that guide us and shape us, make us who we are and who we are meant to become. Over the last few years I've faced many challenges. I've written about several of them right here. Time and time again I've come out at the end of these challenges feeling as if I had just run a marathon, so to speak. The TSA/DOL challenge was one that shook my entire world and pushed me to the ground crying and screaming, but with the help of my wonderful husband and the support of our friends and family, I was able to meet that challenge knowing that I didn't have to do it alone. The battle is still being fought, but I/we have won all the battles thus far.

Even with all other challenges, I've learned the most from my boys. The boys have given me the greatest lesson in faith, more than anything else. From trying to conceive them while keeping the faith that Dave and I would someday have a family, to pushing forward through a very rocky IVF cycle, then keeping the faith through the challenges of a twin pregnancy, it has all been about faith. I am reminded of faith every night when I put them in their cribs and want to check on them every hour, watch them to make sure they take breath after breath, that time will pass and they will grow and thrive, it's all about faith. I keep the faith when I have to leave one to attend to the other; have faith that the one left behind is in a safe place and will be just fine until I can be back with him again.

Faith is in the big things and in the little things. It is with faith that we allow our beloved cat, Tempest, to go out freely to play and do what cats will do, even though we know what dangers might be out there for him. We have faith that he'll return each night for a can of food and a cuddle. It is with faith that we say goodbye from telephone calls with our loved ones, having faith that we will speak to them again and have another chance to tell them we love them, even though we know full-well that sometimes we don't get that chance. It's with faith that we put off calling some loved ones because we are too tired or have other things to do, having faith that we can always call them later, even though sometimes we never get to make that call. Even when sometimes our faith fails us in some matters, we still pick ourselves up and push forward because faith is immeasurable and immense.

Every day in every way, it all comes down to faith.

Tempus fugit

2009-06-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

Ben Franklin once said, "nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." I believe in one other certainty, the passage of time. Today a friend of mine asked me how I got through the weeks without Dave when the boys were just infants requiring round-the-clock attention. She asked how I felt right before he left each time, if I was afraid or freaked out. What I remember about those days, a blur even though they were just a few months ago, was thinking that time will pass no matter what and that all I had to do was go through the motions and the time will take care of the rest.

When Halie died in the fire and my brother was in the burn ICU, letting time take over was of comfort to me. Just watching the clock pass even 15 seconds was a comfort to me because it was a reminder that no matter what, time passes and all I have to do was push forward and let time carry me.

Since the boys were born it amazes me at how time seems to have picked me up and carried me so swiftly, so smoothly. The last eight months have just flown by and I feel like before I know it the boys will be 5, 10, 16, 18, 21... my little baby boys will be men before I know it. I've heard having children ages a person, maybe that's so, but I believe that having children puts one in another dimension where time suddenly passes much faster. I discovered it as soon as the boys were born and wrote about it in my post, "Baby time."

Time is an amazing thing because you can't hold it, you can't store it, you can't own it, and we're fooling ourselves if we think we can "buy time." Time owns us and when it is done with us, it lets us go. Through the years people come in and out of our lives, people are born and they die, and through it all time passes and will continue to pass no matter what happens or where we are.

Baby food

2009-05-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

I've started making them their baby food and have really enjoyed it. It can be time-consuming, though, and it comes with the cost of other things not getting done. I'm trying to get a handle on everything, but we're so behind in housework and other tasks. We're catching up, though, very slowly.

I'm delighted about Oakmont Market opening within walking distance. I've gone there a few times to buy produce for the baby food. I recently bought some cherimoyas. Until the market opened I'd never heard of this fruit, but I saw it there and thought it was somewhat unattractive and had no idea what it was. On Friday, The Doctors aired an episode with advice for new mothers. I'd only seen one other episode of this program, one on the swine flu, and thought it was interesting so I set it to record this particular episode on the Tivo. While I scanned fast through most of it, I was particularly interested in a spot with a woman who has a website for making baby food. She was demonstrating how to make a delicious dish with cherimoyas!

Everything I read about cherimoyas said to wait until they were soft to the touch. The ones I purchased over the weekend were hard at the time. They were hard yesterday, too. I tested them this evening and they were very soft so I knew they had to be used right away. I cut one in half and it sliced like butter. Dave and I tasted it and it was lovely. It was a little like a soft pineapple. I scooped out the seeds and made a puree. It was gorgeous and creamy! After putting that into an ice cube tray for preserving, I made the recipe with adding a peach. Oh, that was superb! I have very lucky babies!!

I also have some avocados to serve to the boys for their dinner tomorrow night. I love giving them avocados. The avocados are so good for them!

Normally, I don't really care for cooking and there isn't much food that really excites me. Making the baby food, though, has given me an incentive and an interest in food preparation and even tasting new things. I'm excited to introduce the boys to a variety of great foods.

I've only just figured out how to try to make time for pureeing the baby food, choosing the right fruits and vegetables, and making dishes the boys will like, but it seems William is moving on to bigger and better things. Ever since he was about 5 months old he's wanted to eat whatever we eat. We've indulged him here and there, offering little pieces of some finger foods.

Now that he has a pretty good pincer grasp I've been giving him some puffed wheat with every meal. He loves being in better control of his own eating. However, that meant that Ronan watched him and then wanted to do the same. Ronan still has some difficulty with more solid foods and hasn't made it very far into food textures beyond puree. Still, he wanted to try. To his credit, within a week he's making great progress with the puffed wheat.

William, however, seems to be getting bored with pureed food and wants to move more and more to finger foods. I offered them some cantaloupe pieces with their breakfast this morning and that's all William would eat. He wouldn't eat the banana mush I made for them. So, that will be the next thing I work on, making them some wholesome and safe finger foods, or perhaps more finger foods for William and continue the puree for Ronan while still offering the finger foods to Ronan so that he can have the practice.

Mealtimes are definitely getting more interesting, and actually a little less messy... for now.

Swimming

2009-05-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

I took them in the pool again today. This was their 2nd time in the big pool. We took them in just over a week ago for the first time. We took a video, but I don't think Dave wants it shown here. I put it on Facebook, though, if you have an account there.

William shows pretty much no fear of the water and he's already figured out how to paddle with his feet to move around while in the floaty ring. I took him out of the ring and he made it clear through his paddling and reaching he was going for the side. I took him to the side and he reached out and held on, then tried to climb up. Later, I dunked him under the water for a brief split second a few times and he actually liked that, too, though I think it confused him a little. He giggles wildly when I blow bubbles in the water. He's such a little water baby!

Ronan likes the pool but seems like he doesn't quite know what to think of it just yet. He smiles and explores, but doesn't get all excited the way William does. When I take him out of the floaty ring he clings to me and shows a healthy and natural fear of the water, unlike William. I dunked him for a split second, too, but he wasn't so happy about it. He didn't cry, but he grabbed tighter onto me and I just didn't have the heart to proceed further in any water explorations or experiments.

Both boys seemed intent on trying to drink the water.

8 months old!

2009-05-25T15:30:00.001-07:00

It's nearly summer and we're really enjoying the sunshine! We've been out and about a lot, at least when everyone is well. The boys seem to be in one of those cycles where they are well for about a week and then get colds for about 2 weeks. They came down with a cold a few days ago so we're back in the snot season.

We put them in the pool for the first time last weekend. They loved it! William giggled almost incessantly from the moment we put him in until we took him out. We have all the gear: cloth swim diapers, sunscreened swim shirts, swim shorts, sun-shading hats, sunglasses, waterproof sunscreen, and floaties. We also got them a little blow-up pool for some mild splashing, though they haven't used that, yet. I got one big enough for me to get into it with them. We're very cautious with these little guys when it comes to water.

Within minutes of putting William in his floaty he was paddling his legs and figuring out how to be mobile in the pool. I think we may have some natural swimmers!

The milestones are being reached nearly daily and the boys are filling our lives with joy and laughter, though they keep us so busy!

Milestone	William	Ronan
Smile	3 weeks	5 weeks
Laugh*	2 months	3 months
Giggle*	4 months	3 months
Squeal	2 months	3 months
Roll front to back	7 weeks	5 months
Roll back to front	11 weeks	5 months
Grab spoon to feed self	4.5 months	5 months
Drink from sippy cup unassisted	6.5 months	6 months
Scooting	8 weeks	6 months
Lunges	5.5 months	7 months
Crawling	6-7 months	TBD
Pull to stand with our hands	3 months	4 months
Pull to stand on own	7 months	8 months
Jabbering with consonants	6 months	5 months
First words	TBD	7.5 months (Yum!)
Reach to be picked up	TBD	6 months
Wave	TBD	6 months
Sit without support	7 months	7 months
Stands holding onto something	3 months	6 months
Put self into sitting position	7 months	8 months
Stands unsupported for a couple seconds	TBD	8 months
Pincer grasp	8 months	8 months
Gesture to indicate what he wants	7 months	6 months
Eats with fingers	7 months	8 months

*William laughed without giggling first and still does it most of the time. It's a strange gasping/squealing laugh and sometimes he laughs in a sort of silent way. Ronan's first laugh was more of a squeal. Giggling is a serious laugh from them when it's beyond the squeal.

They're each about 18-19 pounds and will probably outgrow their infant car seats in a couple of months. We're looking to buy some convertible seats for them. With them being mobile we really need to get more of the house baby-proofed. We've been more in the fire-fighting mode since they were born, taking care of things as the need arises. Now there is a need to give them access to more of the house.

William is our comedian. He has been making his own form of jokes since he was about 6 months old. He makes me laugh so much and he laughs along. The other day he was joking with Ronan, tickling him and doing silly things to make Ronan laugh. Ronan was giggling up a storm, then William was giggling at Ronan's giggling. It was the cutest thing to see. I tried to get a video of it, but the camera battery was dead. William used to be quite ahead of Ronan on many physical milestones but Ronan is quickly catching up. Ronan sees William doing something then he works really hard at it so he can do it, too. William loves seeing people, animals, and things. He laughs so much and has turned into a very cuddly little guy. He often reaches out to hold Ronan's hand and he sometimes looks at people with such love in his eyes as his voice gets soft and he sighs in adoration. It's so heartwarming!

Ronan is our communicator. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that Ronan was, indeed, saying "yum!" with great gusto every time I presented him with food. It helps that I've been saying "yum" to him with food for months. On Wednesday morning he looked at me and said, "mama!" Since then he's said it several times. When I gave him his bottle on Friday he said, "baba!" and proceeded to say that several times since during feedings. Yesterday morning when Dave came into the room we both distinctly heard Ronan say, "Daddeeee!" Just like with the other words, he spent the rest of the day saying, "Daddy." While most of the time he just says "mamamamama," "bababababa," "gagagaga," and "dadadada," it seems that "yum," "mama," and "daddy" are his first real words as he seems to be saying them with real intent and purpose. Ronan loves music and seems to be starting an ability to keep rhythm. I caught him pounding his feet on the ground to the beat of some music the other day. Ronan's favorite activity is jumping. He jumps in the exersaucer and the doorway jumper and bounces in his stroller or on our laps. He bounces when he's happy. Sometimes he falls asleep in the doorway jumper and when I go to take him out he starts jumping again as if he never missed a beat! Ronan's favorite toy is a little bunny from Ikea. William's favorite toy is Ronan.

Cough cough OINK!

2009-04-29T21:48:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry for the lack of posts. We've been ill. Actually, we were all recovered before the whole swine flu scare. It all started with Ronan developing a high fever just before Easter. He suffered from that illness for about a week, the poor guy. Just as he recovered, William's temperature shot up. At the same time, so did mine.

It's really hard caring for sick twins while sick yourself. I was trying to avoid medication because I'm still breastfeeding and pumping. It got too difficult, though, and I was no good to the boys feeling the way I did. I ended up taking Theraflu. I would pump prior to taking the medication then wait 6-8 hours before pumping, then take it again after pumping. I guess it's a good thing my supply is down.

They aren't breastfeeding much, just early in the morning. The milk I pump goes into their bottles mixed with formula. I used to be loathe to do that, being concerned about wasting any, but when I started producing so little I started doing it and discovered something amazing. It takes away all the foam from the formula!!

Foam, you ask? We use the Kirkland formula. The boys love it. We tried many different brands in the beginning and fortunately, it turns out the boys like the less expensive Kirkland better than most anything else so that's what they get. Unfortunately, it tends to be the foamiest formula we've tried and it's annoying. It makes it tough to decipher how much they've had from the bottle when there is all that foam. Well, no problem anymore now that I discovered the foam antidote. I just add 1-3 ounces of breastmilk and bye-bye foam! It's great! It's reason enough to keep lactating, though the antibodies is the best reason of all.

Now we have the swine flu in our county and it leaves me wishing I could be supermom and provide 100% breastmilk for the boys. Well, they're 7 months old and I am doing what I can. We aren't panicking about it, just being cautious. We're going to continue to go about our usual plans. We'll go to the library on Friday morning, just as planned. There is an infant program there that is a lot of fun. I bet attendance will be down, though.

William now has 2 teeth! He popped the first one out not long after Ronan got sick. In fact, we thought he was coming down with the same thing because his temperature went up a little, but not nearly as high as Ronan's. He also was drooling a lot and a bit snotty so we were sure he was sick, but it only lasted a day and didn't get nearly as bad as we expected. Within a couple of days the tooth was very obvious. After that he did get ill and did get it pretty bad. It was tough to fight his 103 degree temperature during our mini heatwave when the temperatures creeped up to around 100 degrees.

He recovered after a few days but then the last few days he has been really cranky and needy. Night before last Dave said he thought William felt hot and sure enough, he had a low-grade fever. I saw his 2nd tooth the very next day.

Ronan should be popping a tooth soon, I think. He seems to be close.

This morning William figured out how to pull himself all the way up in his crib and stand in it! He also figured out how to use the crib as a teether. Now that he can pull himself up to standing there is no stopping him. He wants to do it at every opportunity. Ronan has been watching him all day and this afternoon he started trying to do it, but lacks the strength and skill. William's been working on this for several weeks. Ronan just started to try today so he has some work to do.

William has also been crawling, fully crawling for a couple of weeks now. For several weeks he did his own modified crawl where he would crawl a few steps, rock a bit, then lunge forward. He got around really well that way so I started to wonder if he'd ever fully crawl at all or just move straight to trying to walk. Now that he pulls himself to standing a lot he now wants to practice walking.

They get along really well, too, for the most part. William keeps trying to crawl over Ronan and they have even fallen asleep a few times one on top of the other - William always on top. Funny, because William was "bottom bunk" in the womb. He's actually started to obey me when I say, "William get off of your brother!" William is so busy and into everything, I find myself saying, "no William," "Stop it, William," "get off your brother, William" a lot!

William just loves his brother. He often reaches out to him to hold his hand while in the high chairs and in their stroller. Ronan obliges him. They smile at each other when they are together. They cry when I separate them.

It's so fun watching these little guys grow and discover new things!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-11T08:13:00.001-07:00

We went to see the Easter Bunny on Thursday afternoon. We didn't go to Big Nasty Mall (aka Westfield, aka Valley Fair - why do they keep changing mall names?). We went to Vallco this time, which is being changed to Cupertino Square.

Mr. Cottontail's helpers were so friendly and took several shots in an effort to get one where the boys were smiling. William and Ronan, however, were just wondering who the heck the big furry one was with the big ears. They were even more dumbfounded when Mommy put ears on them.

There was no waiting and the others who were there for photos were all so friendly. There was a cute little girl about 4-years-old there with her grandmother. William really liked her and enjoyed holding her hand. Ronan was just really super tired and he was wondering why he couldn't just nap. Prior to seeing Peter Cottontail we were at Sears having portraits taken.

Nick, the Sears photographer, was baffled by our William, who would not allow him to position him for the photos. When Nick tried to get William to sit, William stiffened up like a board with his elbows jutting out behind him so that he would end up lying propped up on elbows, but very unnaturally so with his legs so taught and in line with his tightened stomach. This boys is strong!!

We did manage to get a few good shots at Sears and there will be many more. I signed up for their super saver program which grants us free sittings any time we want, provided they are open, and a free 8x10 with every sitting. We intend to take full advantage of this. Obviously, they're hoping to sell me a lot of photos with those sittings, but I figure with free 8x10 photos, we can just keep going back. I can bring others, too, so if any of you want some photos just let me know.

Of course, the Sears photos aren't nearly as nice as the ones by my good friends Monterey Jack and Heather Hunt.

Later that night, just as I was about to go to bed, I heard Ronan over the baby monitor. He was coughing and sounded like he was struggling to breathe. I checked on him and he was burning up. His temperature was just shy of 103. I used an aspirator to clear his breathing passageways and then put some saline in his nostrils. Because he is so young and the temperature was so high, I held off giving him Tylenol (he'd never had it before, nor had he ever been otherwise medicated). I called the advice nurse at Kaiser who told me he had to go to the ER. We finally were seen by a doctor at about 2:30am and they gave him some Tylenol then sent us home about an hour later.

The Tylenol helps but we have to keep up the dosage or his fever goes back up. It was 103 again this morning, the poor little guy.

William may have had a touch of it, or maybe something else. His temperature was 101 last night but is just shy of 100 this morning. Both are of good temperament through all of this.

Cute "ee" words

2009-03-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

When we want to make something sound cute, give a nickname, or shorten a word for fun, we often add the "ee" sound at the end. For example, children get the "ee" sound applied to the end of their names or a version of their names. That's how I became Lizzy, which I prefer much better than "Liz." Besides, my name is spelled "Elisabeth" so it should be "Lis" but few people recognize that, in which case maybe I'm really "Lissy." I really don't know why so many people insist on calling me "Liz," though. That name just doesn't suit me. But I digress. Back to my subject. Boys named Robert become "Bobby" or "Robby." Some people ask me if our William is a "Willy" or a "Billy." Nope, he's "Wiggles."

Sometimes we apply the cutesy sound to normal words, like "cutesy." They do this a lot in Britain. They say "cozzy" or "swimming cozzy" for "swimming costume," or as we Americans would say, "swimsuit."

Other words are just made with that "ee" sound at the end, but they sound cute, too. Words such as "monkey," "bibliography," and "lobotomy" all have their charm. The word "economy" even starts and ends with that "ee" sound, though for some reason that word isn't as much fun, especially not lately. Maybe using the "ee" as a sandwich is like a double negative, the "ee" at the beginning cancels out the cute "ee" at the end.

That's why I find it funny that the word "body" sounds cute, especially when combined with the word "dead." I know it's a bit perverse. That's why it's funny. There's another word, "funny." Funny honey. Sweetie.

Other funny cute "ee" words:
Floozy
Hairy
Meaty
Testy
Testes
Menses
Tiny
Smeggy
Jiggly
Wiggly
Rinky dinky
Flimsy
Sticky
Nippy
Flossy
Glossy
Sloppy
Bossy
Needy
Frenzy
Mini
Nitty gritty
Stinky
Smelly
Okey dokey
Smokey

And my personal favorite, "zombie."

Stupid carpet cleaners!

2009-03-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

That's the last time I use that service. They didn't show up! They didn't even call.

6 months old today!

2009-03-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Where has the time gone? I have to say, though, that while it has been hard work, really hard work, I've really truly enjoyed it and am looking forward to dedicating the rest of my life to being the best mother I can. I'm so happy they've come into my life. I feel so blessed.

Dave was fantastic this weekend! I think I reached another exhaustion peak and I hate to admit that I was not very pleasant to be around Saturday morning. Dave took over care of the boys for the afternoon and early evening and let me nap and he didn't disturb me once to wake me. He let me wake when I was ready. When I did get up, he had things so well together and was giving the boys their dinner of baby food.

Bless his heart!

After we got the boys to bed and had some dinner, he finished fixing my laptop. I have a new keyboard and mouse and all the dust has been cleaned out. It runs like new again! Last night he made us a lovely steak dinner, something we haven't enjoyed at home in ages.

I really feel so blessed. My cup runneth over!

I also feel terrible. I'm way behind on thank-you notes for the generous gifts we've received for our boys. We still also haven't sent out any formal birth announcements, yet. That was partly due to not having any time but also because Dave and I can't agree on what to send. I'm sad about this, because I really want to put a formal birth announcement in their baby books, another task I haven't touched.

There are many regrets and I know they are petty, but I still have them. For instance, I never got hand prints from when they were born. I have no idea how tiny their hands were. I did get some foot prints; well, at least the hospital did that for me.

I never finished crocheting them blankets. I never finished crocheting the blanket I was making for my friend Sheri's baby, who is now 9 months old. I never finished crocheting them booties and now they're probably too big for booties. In fact, I haven't really made my boys anything. I've made things for so many other babies, but nothing for my own. My hands were swollen and sore in pregnancy, and I was so tired, that all of that went by the wayside when I actually had time to do it. Now there just isn't the time. My house is a tip. There isn't much time for cleaning.

We're getting better at finding the time, though, and the boys are getting better at growing up. They are playing together more and more, and they enjoy each others' company. It's adorable when they hold hands, which is another thing I haven't managed to photograph. We can't seem to remove them from each others' company without getting cries. They are also starting to make it difficult to comfort one without comforting the other.

As you may have seen in an earlier post, William is almost crawling! Ronan has been rolling for a few weeks but he wants so badly to be as mobile as William so he exhausts himself on his tummy then cries to get me or Dave to go roll him back over. All weekend Dave and I would say, "it's your turn to flip the Roni."

Last week I finally found the time and courage to go see a dentist. I have a great fear of dentistry but I also have a bad crown that was never right. It gets food stuck under it and causes me some pain and a great deal of irritation. I want it fixed but don't want to go through the process of getting it fixed. I shouldn't have delayed it so long. I fear I may need a root canal. So finally, last week I walked into the dentist's office that is at the mall near my house and made myself an appointment. They were so nice and the receptionist even offered to watch the boys for me while I had my cleaning! I went the next morning with the boys and had the appointment. It went really well and I really like this dentist. Unfortunately, I have a cavity in the tooth next to the one with the crown, a result of that food getting stuck under the crown. Fortunately, he can take care of it when I get the crown fixed.

My appointment to get the crown and cavity fixed is Friday morning. Ugh! I'm really not looking forward to this.

Back to the boys and their 1/2 birthday. I'm so excited they are 6 months old and they are doing so well! I'm a little sad that the time is passing so quickly and I see many opportunities flying away. There is no better application of "stop and smell the roses" than with the growth of a baby. Blink and you might miss something precious.

My aunt told me in those first weeks, "enjoy every moment because they grow up so fast." I remind myself of her words every time they are both screaming, every time they wake me in the middle of the night, every time they blow out a diaper, every time I get covered in baby puke, every time I get a smile, every giggle, every gurgle, every pinch, every squeeze, every cuddle...

You get the idea.

I sure love these little fellas!

(Photos taken at 4 1/2 months by Heather Hunt)

Carpet Cleaning Scam

2009-03-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've all had those phone calls where a computer calls and offers you a great deal on carpet cleaning. I get them about 1-2 times a week and we don't have a single carpet or area rug in our home.

Several times I have tried to press "5" to be removed from the list but the calls have continued. A few times I have actually pressed "1" to talk to a representative and make an appointment. When I got to a person I have asked for their phone number, company name, or a supervisor I can complain to but they always hang up on me but sometimes they yell at me first.

I read online about someone in Nevada that actually made an appointment and gave them the address of a vacant lot across the street, then waited for the trucks to appear so that he could get the name of the company. Lucky for me I have a vacant lot across the street!

So, when I got the call today from caller ID: "CUSTOMERSVC 408-335-7149" I looked forward to trying this out. I pressed "1" to talk to a representative and was nice as sugar as I made an appointment for the 5-room house across the street (really the vacant lot, are you following me?). The total was quoted at about $150 and they'd throw in the hallway for free! I made the appointment for Thursday afternoon. I asked a reasonable question, "who should I look for; what company will be doing the cleaning?" She told me they work with local companies and it would be a company called "Deluxe" but it may be someone else.

I started to feel sorry for her and the poor carpet cleaner they would send so I said, "that's really all I wanted to know" and she caught on and said, "Oh nice one, Mrs. Halliday, but I'll send someone to your house at [my address], anyway, and you'll be billed!"

Big deal! They won't see a red cent from us. I should have known better than to feel sorry for them.

I called the only business in the county that deals with carpets, an area rug cleaning company called Deluxe. They had no idea who these people are and they have been the victims of many complaints. They said they've even gone so far as to call the police and they asked me to do the same and to also please let them know if I find out anything so that they can get this resolved. Apparently, this is causing them a lot of complaints and grief and they are worried about their reputation.

I called the Campbell Police and filed a complaint. Officer Kelly called me back and he was VERY nice. He said he would be working Thursday and will keep an eye out if he isn't otherwise occupied and that I could call if someone does actually show up to clean my nonexistent carpets. He said he'd also like to know who was behind this, but suspects if they do show up, it will be in an unmarked van. He also is concerned about how the woman handled my call, that it might be more than just an effort at getting carpets cleaned - some sort of more complex scam.

For instance, he said that there were people going door to door offering carpet cleaning deals. He was suspicious of that after he noticed a few odd things about them so he made an appointment to check them out further. It turns out that it's Kirby salesmen trying to find out which houses have carpets and had $$ to spend so they can try to sell them vacuums and such. Not illegal, but perhaps somewhat unethical. At your carpet cleaning appointment, they send out Kirby salesmen to give you the spiel and presentation. I've had those door to door carpet cleaning offers, too, but since I have zero carpets and no area rugs, they are very easy to turn away. When the boys were smaller, all I had to do was answer the door with a baby in each arm and it conveyed a very clear message to the solicitor that "I have NO TIME FOR YOU!!" Now that they are bigger, though, it's tough enough for me to lift just one baby, let alone two!

I have a police report number, but I have a feeling this may have been the last time I'll hear from those particular carpet cleaning scammers for awhile. This may be the best way of getting my number removed from their call list.

FAQ

2009-03-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

The twins are magic. Every time I take them out complete strangers smile such genuine sweet smiles and say such nice things! I also get a lot of questions, most of them the same questions as everyone else asks. I thought I'd share them with you, along with my answers, some of the answers I just don't dare give in person partly due to my need to save time and partly due to an effort at being polite.

Q. Are they twins?
A. No, I adopted them, one from Russia, the other from China. Obviously I'm kidding. Yes, they are twins.

Q. Are they natural?
A. No, they are supernatural. Seriously, have you ever heard of a baby that wasn't natural? Okay, maybe you have. My babies are made of flesh and blood and grew in my womb. They were conceived through egg and sperm which were from Dave and me. So what if the egg and sperm met in a lab?! The embryos were touched by the hand of God and they were given life. If my boys weren't meant to be, I wouldn't be watching them right now.

Q. Do twins run in your family?
A. My grandfather was a twin. My aunt has 2 sets of twins. Several of my cousins have twins. My cousin just had a set in December. Dave's father is also a twin, though the twin gene is passed down maternally. Apparently that does increase the odds a bit when your odds are already increased by doing fertility treatments. But really, this is just a polite way of asking if the twinning happened spontaneously or if I upped the odds by doing fertility treatments.

Q. Are they identical?
A. This is a very valid question since to most people my boys look very similar. Once people get to know them the differences become very obvious. We didn't know if they were identical or fraternal until they were a day old and we learned they had different blood types. We had a difficult time telling them apart until we could see some distinct differences. For instance, Ronan's face is oval and William's is round. Ronan and William have slightly different shaped eyes. Ronan has a little dot that looks like a piercing at the top of each ear. William has a little red birth mark on the nape of his neck and another one inside his bottom lip. Ronan has a small birthmark on his belly. Ronan has now got much darker eyebrows. Ronan has always been bigger (that's why he's named Ronan and not William).

Q. Did you know you were having twins?
A. Yes and no. If you have followed my blog you know that it was a difficult beginning to the pregnancy. While they are both miracles, Ronan is the major miracle that the doctors didn't believe would happen. Right up until the 2nd trimester we were told that we would lose him. It wasn't until I was 20 weeks pregnant that Kaiser officially upgraded my status to a twin pregnancy in their computer system.

Q. How big were they when they were born?
A. William was 5lb 10.5oz and Ronan was 6lb .01oz. Both were 19 inches long.

Q. Did you have bed rest?
A. Not really. I was on some strict restrictions but fortunately no full bed rest was required.

Q. How early were they?
A. Only 2 and a half weeks from their 40-week due date and only 3 days before their twin due date.

Q. Which one is older?
A. William by 2 minutes.

Q. Was it c-section or natural?
A. While I really wanted to try to deliver naturally, it wasn't meant to be for 3 reasons: they were both breech, Ronan was larger and they advise c/s when the second twin or "twin-b" is the larger of the 2, and I had to deliver due to pregnancy induced hypertension so a c/s was safer for my health.

Q. Do you breastfeed?
A. As much as I can, which sadly is decreasing every day. I have tried and tried to give them as much breast milk as possible. William still breastfeeds several times a day but Ronan is only interested once or twice a day and only when he's sleepy and it's dark.

Q. Have you heard of that woman who had octuplets?
A. Yes, several times a day. I swear, what does that woman have to do with me?

Q. Did you know she had 6 other children?
A. Yes. I know an awful lot about Octomom from all of the people that think it's important to tell me about her.

Q. What would you have done if you had 6 more with your twins?
A. I wouldn't have.

Q. Did you know Octomom is on welfare and that our tax money is supporting her and her children and will pay her multi-million dollar medical bill?
A. I really don't care. I don't have a choice where my tax dollars go but if I did, I would much rather my money go to her and other families who need it than having it go outside the country to kill people. May the Lord bless Octomom because so many people in the world are sending her such negative and hateful feelings.

Q. Have you heard of Jon & Kate plus 8?
A. Yes, I've even seen the show. They are very organized and I've learned a lot from watching it, but I don't watch it now. The show is boring to me now, and frankly, I just don't have time for it.

Q. Are you really that rude?
A. No, those answers to the Octomom and J&K+8 questions are only in my thoughts. I actually smile, take a deep breath, and pretend that it was the first time I ever heard such questions.

Spammers and Scammers

2009-03-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

By owning my own domain, I once received over 700 spam e-mails per day until I had to make several adjustments to filter them out. Checking e-mail was a serious chore. It's getting bad again, where I get about 100 a day, most of them from the same company or trying to sell the same crap product over and over!

I've always wanted to make this list. This is a list of the deplorable and despicable lowlifes of the internet, the spammers and scammers. I will try to update this list with the intention of having it handy as a reminder of those companies I am boycotting for participating in such unethical practices. The list includes not only those companies that seek to profit from spamming through e-mail, but also those that call me on the phone or come to my door in an effort to push me into giving them some of my money.

This list doesn't contain companies I intentionally signed up for receiving e-mail offers or phone calls. It may contain charities, but only those I've researched and found to be more of a scam than a good service. I'm also considering including companies that frequently send me junk mail.

There is a great site for performing such research, charitynavigator.org. I love keeping the caller on the line while I research the charity for which they are asking donations, and telling them exactly why I won't ever donate to their organization. For example, a lot of them spend over 80% of their funds on fundraising, paying that person to call you and trick you into parting with some of your cash and fooling you into thinking you're doing a good deed. They use all sorts of tricks. The Police Activities League tricked my friend into donating by telling her that her husband routinely donates $100 and asking if she would donate the money on her husband's behalf since he wasn't home at the time. She found out when her husband got home that he never donated to he organization and they lied to her.

Besides, Dave and I have made a decision to NEVER donate immediately to anyone who calls on the phone or comes to our door without researching the charity first. Donating to such charities without forethought means that the money we donate to them will not go to another, perhaps more deserving charity. Since we only have so much income we can afford to be charitable with, we would like it to go to organizations that will make the best use of the funds.

Of course, the list won't ever be complete, especially since I can only stand to go through so much crappy spam in a day, and I don't really have much time for this effort. At least I've finally started this list, though, which is an accomplishment.

Here is my ongoing blacklist:

Liquid Networks
Course Advisor
JBR Media Solutions
Securesiteorders.com
Consumercellular.com
VistaPrint
DTV4PC
PAL (Police Activities League)
YouAreGoodKarma.com
Wonder Hanger
AARP (yes, they have been spamming me, amazing!)
Free Credit Reports 360
Quality Health
Celebrity Whites
Gevalia
Ephedra Hoodia Fusion
Colon Medic / Colon 700
UareGoodLuck.com
BuyTomatoGiant.com
Tomato Giant
Raven Media
LiftSP
Dr. Steven Jepson MD
yourownperfectface.com
Ginglow.com
Snuggie Blanket

Update

2009-03-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me for my lack of posts. Not only have I been super busy and seeming to get busier every day, the biggest reason is that it's difficult to use my laptop these days. The keyboard is falling apart. The T key is no longer on the keyboard, I'm just hitting a little piece of rubber that lived under the T key. Now the A key is not working so well. On top of that, the laptop keeps overheating so it crashes on me frequently.

William is nearly crawling. Fortunately, I got the video to actually upload without the laptop crashing, but it took over an hour.

So, to fill you all in on the juicy details, there aren't really any! :)

Dave's been back from the UK for a couple of weeks and it's been really nice to have the whole family home again. I'm also happy to spend as much time as I can with the boys and we cuddle and play more than ever now that they are getting more into that sort of thing. They are on a very good schedule, no matter who is caring for them, and that makes things a bit easier.

Their schedule (rough time estimates):
7am: wake up, nurse, get dressed into day clothes
8am: play in exersaucers or in their play area with toys
9am: bottle (5-8 ounces) then nap, this is usually the best nap of the day
11am: play
1pm: bottle (7-8 ounces) then nap
2pm: play
4:30pm: bottle (6-7 ounces)
6pm: baby food (stage 1 baby food, cereal) then nap or play
7:30pm: bath, massage, night clothes, bottle (4-6 ounces) then bed
11pm: sort of a dream feed if they'll take it (William eats about 4 ounces, Ronan doesn't usually eat anything)
1am: William might wake up, may eat, then sleep
2am: William often wakes up, may eat, then sleep
3am: William wakes up, may eat, then try to play or sleep
4am: William wakes up, may eat, then try to play or sleep
5am: William wakes up, may eat, then try to play or sleep
6am: William wakes up, may eat, then try to play or sleep, Ronan wakes, eats, sleeps
7am: William wakes up, wants to play play play, eventually wakes up Ronan
It all starts over again.

I don't know what to do to get more sleep out of him. Ronan sleeps well! If only William could sleep as much. I do the same thing with both babies. I think it's just William's nature and temperament. Remember, we call him "Wiggles" for a reason.

They've been enjoying solids or as we call it "big boy food." I tried to bring them up to 2 meals a day of solids, but William insists on feeding himself so it's quite messy. For now we just do the 1 meal at about 6pm, before baths. Ronan, after watching William, has also taken to wanting to feed himself, but he's much more careful and actually gets most of the food in his mouth. So far they've had pears, apples, bananas, peas, carrots, sweet potatoes, rice cereal, and oatmeal. We'll soon introduce peaches. They like fruit the best. Ronan really doesn't like carrots but he tolerates peas and somewhat likes sweet potatoes. I'm hoping to add back another meal, perhaps a breakfast, in a few more weeks.

William is very close to crawling! He's now able to get on his hands and knees and rock back and forth. It won't be long, now. He is quite mobile, though, and we need to put up the baby gates this week. We also had to lower the crib mattresses because William now tries to climb up the sides and stand against the rail. Ronan watches all this and tries, as well, but it only frustrates him because his body won't cooperate. He's got a different build to William, and is at least pound bigger, and this somewhat holds him back.

Well, Ronan is crying because he's rolled onto his tummy and has exhausted all his energy so he can't roll back over. He needs to be flipped over regularly.

Headless chickens

2009-02-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

We've been so busy this month I've not have many opportunities to post. So much has happened and we've been running around like headless chickens just trying to keep up. I feel like we're mainly fighting fires rather than preventing them. Also, the T key has fallen off my keyboard and it's tough to type with just the little piece of rubber that lived under the T key, which also keeps getting displaced. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've probably never taken apart a keyboard so don't worry about it. Obviously, I have a way to type a T, but it isn't easy for my usual quick touch-typing ways.

So, let me get on with it. First of all, the DOL accepted the new job and allowed me to do it provided that they keep a check on me for at least 60 working days to make sure I'm not a lazy louse. Yay! 2 weeks down and 10 to go. I hope that they sign me off quickly after the 60 days. I just don't like being under such scrutiny. Magnifying glasses have a way of heating up the subject under observation, sometimes to a point of fiery destruction. I still can't get too detailed about the position, but I will let you know that it is flexible and perfect for my current situation.

I had a 3rd "2nd opinion" doctor appointment required by the DOL. I have no idea how it went but at one point the doctor asked me if any doctor has mentioned RSD to me. Um, yes! He was actually at least the 9th doctor I've seen since being injured. The documentation the DOL sent to him on my case was terribly erroneous. He asked me about my hernia surgery and kidney failure. I've not suffered from either in my lifetime. Interesting. Dave was nice enough to go with me to this appointment. We're still waiting for the doctor's report from that appointment.

Dave returned from his father's funeral on the 4th of February and brought Claire and Sara with him (they are my sister-in-law and niece). It was great having them here. Amazingly enough, even with all their help, I was busier than ever! It had a lot to do with many factors, though. Claire watched the boys as much as she could, which allowed me to work and also run some errands without babies. That's one thing that is especially tough with twins. It's very difficult to go anywhere quickly. I can't go to gas stations unless I pay at the pump because otherwise I'd have to take both boys out of their car seats, unfold the stroller, take them inside, pay, then back to the car, back into car seats, fold the stroller... you get the idea. Picking up dry-cleaning would be the same affair. Ronan hates being in the car seat, too, so the advice "just drive them around until they fall asleep" doesn't work so well with us. Any time he's in that seat he usually cries. The car movement helps, but he screams as soon as I stop at any stop sign or red light. I guess that's one benefit of us not buying a Snap-n-go (our car seats wouldn't fit it, anyway), because Ronan wouldn't like riding around in that seat any longer than necessary.

Claire is so good with the boys! They sure love her. It's a shame they all had to go back. Sara needed to get back to school, though. They all left early on Wednesday and I'm back on my own tending to the babies. My mom came up Saturday to help and with her here we managed to get a lot of housework done. There is still a lot more that needs doing, just no time to do it. I'm able to write now because the babies are napping, but probably not for much longer.

The boys are now 5 months old and growing growing growing! They're starting to fit in the 6-9 month sizes, but it looks like they won't fit in them for very long, especially Ronan, our little "Buddha baby." Ronan's healthy appetite and zen-like attitude has earned him the nickname. William is still "wiggles" and for good reason!

They've started eating big-boy food! We started them on rice cereal for about a week and then introduced stage-1 baby food. They've now enjoyed pears, apples, and bananas. They also really like frozen bananas in net-feeders. They both really love solids and get impatient waiting for the next spoonful! William, eager to grow up, has started snatching the spoons from me and attempting to feed himself. He just won't let me feed him! I cycle through a few spoons at a time, letting him grab the spoon once I get a glob in his mouth and let him gum it while I fill another spoonfull. I try to feed them both at the same time, but Ronan gets impatient every time I give his brother a bite. Ronan wants a constant supply of food for himself. They still get full bottles every 3-5 hours and still get breastfed for night feedings. And yes, I'm still pumping though my supply is really dwindling. I'm making a concerted effort to increase it by pumping more and taking brewers yeast.

Dr. R. is eager for me to stop breastfeeding. He really wants to get me to try some medications to control the RSD. I feel under a lot of pressure on this and don't look forward to telling him that we want to do a frozen-embryo-transfer at some point later this year. Yes, we are so happy with twins, but we have 2 frozen embryos and want to give it a go with them to see if our boys will have siblings. If it doesn't take, we will be happy and grateful with our family just the way it is. I do find it funny, though, how many people tell me I'm done having children every time I go out. Complete strangers stop me in the shops and say, "how nice that you got it all done in one go and are done having children!" Strange! They also find it very important to compare me to the woman with octuplets saying things like, "aren't you glad you didn't get 6 more with them?"

William is nearly crawling. He's got the motions down if someone holds his belly up and the other day I saw him lifting himself up by his legs but he just lacked the arm strength. Yesterday he figured out how to lift himself high enough by his arms, but couldn't get the legs coordinated. He'll figure it out soon, but it looks to me like he really is trying to stand rather than crawl.

William also wants big-boy cups! He tried and tried to drink out of my mom's drinks when she was here. Last night I gave him a tiny sip of water out of my glass since he was so keen and he drank it just fine and wanted more!! I bought a few beginner sippy cups and he reached eagerly for it, seeming to know exactly what it was and he grabbed it and put the sippy part right in his mouth and started sucking! This kid blows my mind. He dropped it and screamed bloody murder until he got it back. That's also a new thing, he's taken to throwing tantrums. He has a favorite toy and if he drops it, he'll scream and yell until he's got no breath left, then take in a deep breath and scream and yell again until he gets his way. Needless to say, William is a very demanding baby.

Ronan, however, ever the "zen-baby" is quite content to grow at his own pace. He also took the sippy cup happily and sort of figured out how to use it, but didn't care so much when he dropped it. He seems happy to move from one thing to another and go with the flow so much of the time, just don't mess with his food. Ronan rolled from back to front for the first time on Friday, or so I think. He did it twice! He still hadn't mastered tummy time, and gets really fussy whenever we try, so this was a surprise to me. Then yesterday I caught him rolling to his stomach and then back again! I think he may be keeping his talents a secret.

I'm getting better at distinguishing their cries from hunger, tiredness, needing affection, and tantrums. As such, naps have been easier to establish. Ronan falls asleep quickly if I just rub his face lightly or give him a light blanket or small stuffed animal to rub on his face himself. William needs to be removed from stimulation and the swing works wonders for him.

I can't believe the boys gave me so much time to post here! Thank them for it. Thank you for reading!!

Brian's funeral

2009-01-30T00:43:00.001-08:00

It's today. When I posted earlier that it was the 29th I was mistaken. Dave flew to Wales on Tuesday and arrived there on Wednesday. I feel so terrible that I cannot be there for him.

He will be speaking at the service, as will his sister Claire. I wish I could be there. I still feel bad that I missed Anne's funeral. We all need a chance to say farewell to those we love and to share our memories with all the others that are affected by the loss. We all need to mourn in our own ways and for me, it's difficult for me to process my feelings without a memorial service of some sort.

I've decided that the boys and I will get dressed up and have our own private little memorial service here at home.

Expressing myself

2009-01-30T00:29:00.000-08:00

California Labor Code 1030. Every employer, including the state and any political subdivision, shall provide a reasonable amount of break time to accommodate an employee desiring to express breast milk for the employee's infant child. The break time shall, if possible, run concurrently with any break time already provided to the employee.Break time for an employee that does not run concurrently with the rest time authorized for the employee by the applicable wage order of the Industrial Welfare Commission shall be unpaid.1031. The employer shall make reasonable efforts to provide the employee with the use of a room or other location, other than a toilet stall, in close proximity to the employee's work area, for the employee to express milk in private. The room or location may include the place where the employee normally works if it otherwise meets the requirements of this section.

Apparently federal agencies don't need to abide by California labor laws. I asked for a private room for expressing milk and was told to use the public restroom. There were plenty of vacant offices, as well as private file rooms that never got used. Ms. G. was nice enough to allow me the time I needed to pump, at least. I do appreciate that!

I had to sit in the sink to be close enough to the plug for pumping. I was interrupted several times during pumping, by Ms. G. and a few other women who were "regulars" in the 8th floor restroom, which Ms. G. told me never got any use because the floor was practically vacant. One woman was in there pretty much every time I pumped and she asked all sorts of personal questions. She was the one who took this picture.

When Ms. G. told me where I could pump, she didn't specifically say I should use the restroom. She said to go to the 8th floor, which was vacant since all the businesses up there closed. I went up there and tried several doors and they were all locked so I was satisfied that it probably was vacant. I found a part of the hallway which was around a few corners from the elevator and near a plug and I set everything up, feeling very nervous about pumping in a hallway, but at least it wasn't a bathroom!!! Just as I was about to bare it all and start the milk extraction, a man came down the hall and saw my kit of stuff on the floor, smiled, and said, "they need to give you an office" as he walked into the men's room. Ugh! So I picked everything up and went into the women's room and that's where I pumped ever since.

Like I said, there were many people who went up to the 8th floor to use the restrooms. Apparently a lot of people have public restroom issues and went up there thinking they were the only ones to use those particular restrooms, Ms. G. included.

Oh well, I'm glad I resigned. As I mentioned in my last post, I may have to go back and if they put me at the airport I have no idea how I'll pump. It might be a moot point, anyway, because if I have to work at the airport and wear sleeves that are not of my super soft fabric and sewn dolman style, then it will be too painful for me to cope without going back on Dr. R.'s cocktail (neurontin + vocodin), which would mean the end of breast milk for babies. Very sad, indeed!

Resigned!

2009-01-30T00:12:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to say that I resigned from my position at the TSA on Wednesday. It might not be that easy, but we'll see. I may have to go back.

Dave found the DOL rules that they have to play by; essentially my claims examiner's guide book. It says that "job abandonment" for a better paying job is acceptable. This means that if I left my employing agency for a better paying job that is specifically within my medical work restrictions, then it should be okay. However, my claims examiner is the boss of this game and she might continue to play hardball. We will appeal, though, if she doesn't accept my job offer.

Yes, job offer! The new job is perfect and provides a lot of solutions to the problems posed by the TSA. The TSA job is very problematic, not just financially but medically. When my doctor wrote my permanent work restrictions he had to go by the AMA rules and guidelines. There is no way he can write an official clothing restriction that would be acceptable to the DOL. With the RSD it is difficult and painful for me to wear most sleeves. Sure, I've found a few items of clothing with sleeves that don't hurt so bad as long as I don't move my arm much and I only wear the sleeve for limited periods of time. The job at the TSA is a uniform position and though Ms. G. promised she wouldn't make me wear the uniform when I signed the offer, she told me that she could place me anywhere she wanted and that she was intending to eventually place me in uniform at the airport.

Yes, she knows about my issues with sleeves. Dr. R. puts it in many of his reports. So have all the other doctors and nurses I've seen over the last 6 years. The DOL knows of this issue, too, and they have argued that it is not a real medical restriction and that if I get a job that requires sleeved clothing, I have to wear sleeved clothing. Most office jobs, including the office work discussed at the TSA require full sleeved clothing, though Ms. G. allowed me to wear my clothes that went up to the neck but didn't have sleeves, provided I wore a scarf and/or wrap to cover my shoulders. In the week I was there my arm pain got a lot worse, partly from having the fabric constantly touching my arm and partly because they kept the temperature in the room I was in set at a cold 62 degrees. One night I came home and my arm was so stiff and painful, I couldn't change the babies' diapers without a great deal of pain.

The 60 day rule is also a farce. It's a "minimum" of 60 days. There is no guarantee that I'd be allowed to leave the job after 60 days without repercussions, or even 100 days, or even a year or two or more. This rule leaves it up to the claims examiner to decide when to close that part of my claim.

The new job is perfect and it has taken an awful long time to find it. If I waited until my "at least 60 days" sentence at the TSA was over, the job wouldn't be there for me anymore. I can't write much about this new job. I'm sure you all understand my reasons.

My claims examiner strongly discouraged me from looking for or accepting any other work for "at least 60 days" but kept pulling a "Palin" whenever I asked her specifically if I was barred from looking for or accepting other work, meaning that she evaded the question by saying her well-rehearsed lines that were neither here nor there.

Now we wait to see what happens in this very complex game of chess.

This is hard!

2009-01-25T16:58:00.000-08:00

I've got to hand it to working moms. I never realized how hard it is to go back to work after having a baby (or babies in my case) until now!

It has only been a week and I'm wiped out, even after a weekend of supposed recovery time. Granted, we've been dealing with a lot of crap on top of my returning to work. Brian's passing has been rough and I believe it will get worse. Neither Dave nor I have really let it sink in, we're too busy fighting fires and taking care of the babies.

Even so, it's really hard working full time with twin infants (I like to call them twinfants). It's a huge effort from both Dave and me. We get up each morning at 6am. We make tea and cereal and I pump while consuming my breakfast while Dave prepares the bottles to send with the babies to daycare. I wash the pump kit and pack it all up to take with me to work while Dave helps me prepare my lunch. We get everything ready that I need to take with me. Then we get ourselves dressed and ready for the day, hoping the boys will sleep just a little while longer.

The boys need to be changed, dressed, and fed, too. This task often takes at least an hour. I help Dave with as much as I can before I leave for work at 7:30. Dave finishes everything and puts the boys in the stroller and walks them over to the school, leaving the stroller there for me to use when I pick them up. It's too much for me to carry them in their car seats.

When I arrive at work, I never really know what I'll be doing since they don't seem to know what to do with me. So far, they've had me read outdated policies and procedures and take a class, mainly because they were short of students and needed more people. I have no clue what they'll do with me tomorrow. Further, I have no faith I'll get paid, at least for some time. I've long since closed the account to which they were paying me on direct deposit. Every year I've been getting w2 forms with small amounts of earnings they tried to pay me, earnings I have to pay taxes on but never received. Every year I try to get it sorted out but nobody has been able to help me. I tried to bring it up with Ms. G. on Friday but she didn't seem too interested in helping me. I waited for 45 minutes for her on my lunch break on Friday so that we could sort this out and so that I could give her the massive amount of forms she had me fill out on Tuesday, but she never made time for me. I tried again at the end of the day on Friday, but again, she instructed me to just leave it for her and we'd work on it on Monday.

I haven't been granted access to the offices, either. Not really. Every time I go to the restroom or out on break I need to track someone down to let me back into where they have me sitting. Ms. G. has been great about letting me have the time I need for pumping, but the only facilities I have for pumping are the public restrooms. The one on the 8th floor is the least busy, but it takes awhile to get up there and get set up and inevitably, there is this woman that comes in every time I'm pumping and she spends several minutes talking to me about what I'm doing and asking very personal questions. She's just being friendly, but it feels so awkward and makes it difficult to get a good milk supply going.

After work I go directly to pick up the boys. The school closes at 6pm and with traffic I have to leave right when I get off work at 4:30 to have enough time to get there and get them in their stroller to go home. They are usually among the last 3 babies left and though I've given the teachers a clear schedule for feeding times, the boys are usually either just starting their last school feeding when I walk in or haven't had it, yet. William is a real challenge to feed, too, due to his reflux and his desire to do anything but eat, and the teachers haven't quite grasped the tricks to feed him well. I nearly cried on Thursday when I picked him up and discovered he'd only had about 8 ounces all day when he should have had about 15.

All this sudden change has been hard on the boys, too. They were being breastfed 4-6 times a day, which suddenly decreased to once in the middle of the night, around 4am, which is hard on me since I haven't been able to get to bed much before midnight every night. Neither has Dave.

My milk supply is dwindling. I was able to provide at least half of their nourishment with breast milk, usually even much more than that. Now, on top of the 1 breastfeeding, they only get about 1 bottle feeding of whatever I'm able to express that day. Fortunately, I am able to breastfeed all I can during the weekend.

After I get home with the boys I have to feed them immediately and change them. They are always really fussy until this is done. I try to get it done by the time Dave gets home. Dave and I try to get our dinner before the 8pm bath/feeding after which we send the boys to bed, but it doesn't often work that way. We often get our dinner at 10pm, which is far too late.

Ms. CT. of the DOL has been sending me a lot of correspondence, as well, and demanding immediate replies so Dave stays up late with me to write all the letters back to Ms. CT. I swear, she really wants me dead. I often wonder how many lives this woman has ruined and how many deaths she has indirectly caused, either by pushing the claimant to suicide or by denying them health care until they die.

She's scheduled me for not one, but two second opinion medical evaluations for the 29th of January. Both are at the same time of 1:30 but they are with different doctors at different locations. I may be capable of many things but I am not capable of physically splitting myself into 2 so that I can attend both appointments. I wonder if this was an error on her part (she has told me several times that she doesn't make errors, and her supervisor has also told me this in writing on the letter I received yesterday). My injury didn't render me incapable of being in 2 places at once, I've always had this affliction.

Further, the 29th is Brian's funeral. We are still trying to figure out a way I can go with the boys. I'm going to have to call Ms. CT. tomorrow and actually talk to her on the phone about not only fixing the conflicting appointments, but rescheduling them for another time when there isn't a funeral. Do you think she'll offer sympathy? She has no soul, how could she sympathize? I'm sure she'll simply be disappointed that it's not my funeral and that she still has to push harder to get me into my grave.

Dave and I are wiped out from burning this candle at both ends. At this rate, Ms. CT. will succeed in killing us both!

We are talking with a lawyer that may take on the case so that we can be relieved of a lot of Ms. CT.'s harassment. Further, something very good happened late last week, something I cannot divulge right now but it may help the situation out a lot. For all I know, Ms. CT. may be reading this blog and using it to her advantage. She's pure evil, I tell you!

We can't even trust our phones. There is an odd beep here and there and it seems that the line may be being tapped. We can't think of anyone who would want to do this other than the DOL. It sucks to feel that my basic freedoms are gone all because I got injured while working for the federal government.

I just want my life back.

A big day for a great man

2009-01-20T18:41:00.001-08:00

Today, January 20th, was a big day in many ways.

I worked my first full day at the TSA after 3.5 years of workers' comp which amazingly enough kept me from working when I wanted to work and forced me to work when I wanted a break, followed by the short 3 months maternity leave. I returned today to a job that takes me away from my babies and pays little-to-nothing. I'm working for people I don't trust. I had to pump in a public restroom while sitting on a counter with my feet in the sink, and had to eat my lunch that way, too, while a woman had explosions in a stall just a few feet away. My lower back aches from the hard surface and uncomfortable position. It was a horrible enough day that just got worse as it progressed. Though, that wasn't the biggest event of the day.

Today was the boys' first day in their preschool. They did really well, according to the teacher. She said they were quite calm for their first day and really seemed to enjoy the company of the other babies. As big as this is, it's still not the biggest event of the day.

Barack Obama was sworn in to the office of President of the United States today, making him the first African-American ever to hold the great position of power. Heck, he's the first man of ethnic origin to hold the office. But still, not the biggest event of today.

George W. Bush ceased being our President, much to the relief of millions, but as big as that is, it still pales in comparison to the biggest event of today.

Today, Brian Halliday left this world for a far better place. He was my father-in-law and I love him very deeply and am greatly saddened by his loss. My poor husband will miss his father so much; they were very close. Brian hadn't been well these past years but he was strong of spirit and fought his battles bravely. He made it through bladder cancer, but in the end it was MRSA and esbl e. coli. At least, that's what I think it was. I'm sure I'll learn more over the next few days.

This afternoon, evening for him in the UK, he left to be with his Anne, beloved wife of over 40 years. It pleases me to think of them together again, hand in hand, laughing and enjoying the rest of eternity together. It pleases me to think that though Brian never got to meet his grandsons in person, he must have paid a visit to them today as his soul was lifted from this mortal coil.

Brian was one of the most generous and loving people ever to grace this planet. I owe him greatly for that, because I am fortunate enough to be married to his son, another of the most generous and loving people the world has ever known. Dave's sister, Claire, also deserves that honor. Claire cared for Brian during the most difficult times and I hope she knows that though we weren't there in body, we have been there in spirit all these years and greatly appreciate her tireless efforts.

I wish wish wish I could travel to Wales for the funeral. It's where my heart is right now. Dave will be leaving soon. I can't go for many reasons. This work thing is one of them and for that, it makes me hate the situation all the more. The boys don't have passports, though. Further, we just don't have the money, especially with my new job sucking us dry.

Dave is holding up pretty well, but I think he's in shock. He seems to go from numbness, to sadness, then to being okay with it all. It's hard to see your loved ones in so much pain and Brian's last years were very difficult. For all that he went through, he sure put up a very brave fight and even when he was feeling at his worst, he smiled and laughed and carried on with his generosity and famous hospitality to the end.

Yes, today was a big day for a great man. I believe the two greatest days in anyone's life would be birth and death. Today, January 20th, was the last great day of Brian Halliday's physical life as we know it, and his birth into a spiritual life where he is free from pain and free from the toils of this difficult world.

He will be greatly missed.

More to add to this fiasco

2009-01-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

It's in writing that I was to report to work today. My claims examiner sent me a letter just a few days ago verifying that I would do so. All weekend Dave and I frantically prepared for today. I got the laundry caught up, we bought the boys what they need for "infant school." We needed all new bottles because the school doesn't allow glass bottles so we had to find some affordable BPA-free plastic bottles. I gathered everything they might need, washed it, and got it in their big diaper bag ready for tomorrow.

We can't get them in at least until tomorrow late morning. We need their doctor to fill out paperwork and get some copies of their immunization records. We can't get that done until tomorrow morning at the earliest. Dave had planned to take today off work unpaid to stay with the boys while I worked. With my small TSA salary, well, it's just ridiculous!

I'm pretty certain that this job was created for me and my claims examiner never intended for me to take it or work it. She wants to close my claim in the negative manner, making my future much more difficult. I'm pretty sure she wants to retaliate for my winning my appeal last year. It's like the difference between getting an honorable discharge from the army or a dishonorable discharge. My claims examiner is doing everything in her power to have my claim closed with a "dishonorable discharge" while I'm working hard to try to get that honorable discharge. I've begged for closure for years but they wouldn't do it. Why must they be so hard on me now?

Anyway, Dave and I bought food for me to pack lunches so we could save some money, since this whole thing is costing us dearly, financially and otherwise.

We worked so hard all week and through the weekend in preparation for today. We got up early so I would be able to get there not just on time but early. Dave was up most of the night reviewing documentation on my case and he was up before me, packing my lunch and putting my stuff together for today. He's such a sweetheart!!!

I breastfed the boys at 6am then pumped. I packed everything I needed for pumping today, and wondered if I'd have a place to pump or if that would be another battle. I drove there and arrived with 10 minutes to spare. I knew it was MLK Day but the airports don't close today so I knew that their would have to be support staff available. I was never notified that I should not come today.

The door was locked so I waited. About 5 minutes later Ms. K. came and helped me. She went in and talked to Mr. J., Ms. G.'s boss (one of many? I don't know the structure there) and he said Ms. G. told him that I wasn't expected until tomorrow. I still have it in writing that I was to start back to work on Monday, the 19th. As you may recall, the last day I went there to work and show my willingness to cooperate, I was told to be there at 7an but Ms. G. doesn't start work until 8am so I had to wait an hour for her.

And she reminded me last week that she expected me to be professional! I wonder what her definition of professional is.

Anyway, I'm glad today went so easily and it's enabling me too ease into this nightmare. I'm happy to have another day with my boys and Dave is glad to have been able to go to work since he had a lot he needed to get done.

I've been thinking

2009-01-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know it's a surprise, but my brain has been very taxed this last dramatic week.

I've been wondering why the TSA suddenly came up with a light-duty position for me, a permanent light-duty position, when their official stance is that they do not offer such a position. I've been wondering why such a position was offered to me one week to the day that I notified the DOL would be my cut-off date for being able to work for awhile due to my having the babies. I wondered why the DOL pretty much forced me to sign acceptance of that job, and go in and work while so far along with twins (thanks to Ms. G. for letting me sign the paperwork and go home, or I may have had the babies right there). Is it a coincidence that my boys were born just one day after my return to work date?

On the conference call a few days ago, my claims examiner accused me of never intending to go back to work ever, at the TSA or otherwise. She really laid into me and made me shatter emotionally. As a result of that phone call, I have requested a new claims examiner be assigned to my claim because it was obvious that she has personal feelings against me that I believe make it impossible for her to work on my claim in the way she should. Many of the things she said got me thinking even more.

She didn't want to accept that I was going to actually return to work at the TSA. She told me I had to work 60 working days and after that she'd review my case and sign off if everything was satisfactory. Again, that got me thinking.

She told me many lies in that conversation, as well. I can't get into it because she may be reading this blog. I need to keep many of my cards to myself for now.

Dave has been great, devoting a lot of time helping me research this issue. He found the OWCP manual that my claims examiner has to follow. That's how I know she lied, not only in that conversation but also in many other conversations we've had. She makes me think of a line from one of Morrissey's songs, "...because you're evil and you lie."

From now on, I refuse to speak to her without consulting counsel. It's for the best.

The other day I talked to one of my neighbors whom I know also has been through a nightmare of a workers' compensation case. I didn't know this before, but his is also federal. He truly knows my pain. It got me to thinking about someday when I'm at the lighter end of this dark tunnel, trying to put together some sort of support network for others trying to get through this awful ordeal.

So I've learned a lot from the OWCP manual and it has given me some hope. Further, Dave has agreed that we can now hire a lawyer. I just hope I can get a good one who will take on my case, and soon.

Now I wanted to clarify something. I'm not in this for the schedule award. It would be nice to get it, and I know I'm entitled to it, but I think that the DOL will fight it tooth and nail. I had a claims examiner lie to me once and tell me that the only way they give them is if the claimant lost the entire limb. Okay, maybe those are the only cases they actually close with a schedule award, but their manual has a formula for granting a schedule award to anyone who is left impaired from an injury, the amount of the award is determined through a formula based on the disability rating given by the attending physician and is based on full loss of limb, partial injury being a percentage of what they would give for a lost limb, the lost limb being 100%. One can even get a schedule award for carpal tunnel syndrome. You cannot get a schedule award until you get through the OWCP part of the claim. The DOL sure drags the OWCP portion out, I think forever perhaps.

They are supposed to review the OWCP case for closure after the claimant makes it through 60 days of suitable employment. Their manual mentioned a case that was denied for the claimant being "uncooperative and unwilling to work" because he retired after 2 and a half years after returning to work. It made me realize that this job at the TSA is not truly a 60-day sentence, it's a life sentence.

Their manual says they can apply "sanctions" to any claimant declared "uncooperative and unwilling to work." I can't find what those sanctions are but they are not good, I know that. Further, being declared uncooperative and unwilling to work renders the claimant forever unable to claim SSI or a schedule award. It also may hurt the claimant's chances of obtaining employment in the future. Let's say I wanted to be a teacher at a private school. They do a background check and this turns up. Do you think they'd hire me? Probably not.

Let's face it, this economy is BAD and it has been difficult to find a job not just lately, but since the dot-com crash in 2000. Jobs are getting more and more scarce. As they become more scarce, employers require more in skills and in work history. They run more background checks. If an employer had 2 applicants that were equal in skill and work history, but one had a workers' compensation claim that was closed due to the claimant being "uncooperative and unwilling to work," you can bet that person wouldn't get the job. They can't fall back on SSI, that's cut off, too. Also, they are permanently disabled, cannot get a job, and cannot get disability, where to now?

They are supposed to pay for my injury related medical treatment forever. They haven't approved any pain treatments in 2 years. I have no faith that they will pay for anything other than my regular doctor visits with Dr. R. and this is probably for their benefit to monitor my case closely.

They are pure evil, these people.

So, in all my thinking it dawned on me that the offer was not in good faith. Perhaps Ms. G. is not complicit in this; perhaps she's a pawn. This is what I think happened:

My claim was in the process of being closed due to my being "uncooperative and unwilling to work" because I couldn't find a job in a bad job market.
I appealed this decision.
I won the appeal.
I requested that my benefits continue retroactively from the date of termination.
My request was accepted, not long after I got a new vocational rehabilitation counselor (she's very nice, btw.).
One week after the last day I was allowed to work, I was offered a job that officially never existed before and was against policy. I think that my claims examiner or someone else involved in this case strongly urged and convinced Ms. G. to create a position.
They didn't expect me to accept it or show up to work. I don't think Ms. G. was knowingly complicit because she did. If I hadn't, it would have been a slam-dunk for them.
They didn't expect me to agree to going back, but I did. Again, they missed another slam-dunk.

Do I really think they'll review my claim after just 60 days? Not at this time. I think they will delay that review as long as possible. What will I do about it? I really don't know. Do I think this job will be easy? No. I think I am on very thin ice right now. What am I going to do about it? I'm going to go there and be the model employee for as long as I can. Maybe it won't be so bad.

There is the budget issue to consider. Dave and I canceled our housekeeper that was coming a few times a month. It's going to be hard going without her. She was the only help we got since we don't have family very close by. When my mom comes up she is a HUGE help, but she lives about 90 miles away and doesn't make it up here very often; she's very busy herself. I'm going to miss the housekeeper.

We are also going to cancel our water delivery. We've been meaning to, anyway, since the water comes in BPA bottles and I don't agree with the politics of bottled water, anyway, now that I've learned more about it. We are investigating filtration alternatives and will make the switch in a matter of weeks.

We may have to cancel our satellite television. It bums me out, but with working full time and caring for twins the rest of the time, and without a housekeeper, when will I have time for tv? I don't really have time for it now and our Tivo is constantly running out of space.

We're also reviewing other "luxuries" we can trim. By trimming a few hundred dollars a month we may break even with my job. The daycare is a nice place and we'll write to their corporate offices begging for a break, especially since they don't offer a discount for the 2nd child. If they give us a discount I may actually make a little money at this job after we deduct child care expenses from our taxes.

So tomorrow I go to work. It sucks and I'm torn up about it. I'll miss my babies. I hope they'll be nice to me there. They were pretty terrible to me last time I worked light-duty for them; and when it was clear my light-duty was permanent, I was told there no longer was a place for me. They wanted to fill my spot with a full-bodied employee. That's why this whole thing is very fishy.

Shit storm #2

2009-01-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

I got notice yesterday that the DOL is sending me for another 2nd opinion medical examination. The doctor is supposed to remain unbiased and impartial. The appointment will be held in the same complex as the TSA headquarters, convenient especially since I shall be at work there on the day of the appointment. Hmmm.

I have no problems seeing as many doctors as they want to send me to. This will be the 3rd doctor referral from the USDOL and the 9th doctor I have seen (at the least) throughout the history of this injury, not to mention the umpteen physical therapists, nurse practitioners, and nurse case managers. All of these professionals have been in agreement, that I have a lot of soft-tissue damage, scarring, nerve damage, and RSD as a direct result of the injury. I don't think another doctor will necessarily disagree if he is, in fact, unbiased and impartial. I also have concerns about my privacy at this appointment.

Yes, they are trying to break me and I realize this is no different than any other workers' compensation case, regardless of the fact that this is the US Federal Government I'm dealing with. I recently learned that the DOL's claims examiners are actual insurance adjusters contracted by the US gov. The sad thing is, they handle all federal workers' compensation claims, including the military. With a war on our hands, it breaks my heart that a wounded soldier and his/her family would have to go through this same hell and same poor treatment. They deserve much MUCH better.

On top of all of this, Dave's dad is doing very poorly. Dave may have to go back to the UK again. I won't be able to go, first because the boys have no passports yet, and second because I'll be stuck serving that sentence for the TS of F'ing A.

Everything all at once, I'm simply breaking inside.

Infant school

2009-01-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

They have schools for infants with an infant curriculum. I knew this before and always kind of found it funny, but it looks like we may be sending our 4-month-old boys to school. I checked out 2 of them today. It's not easy finding a place that takes infants, let alone somewhere that has accommodations for 2 infants. I had an appointment at one place (childcare #1) to check it out this morning but they called an hour before the appointment to tell me that one of the spots just filled up and they could no longer take the twins on Monday.

I called another place (childcare #2) and they have room, but only just. I went this afternoon to check them out. It's a 20+ minute walk, so they'll probably have to be driven over in the mornings, whereas childcare #1 was just around the corner. It seemed nice enough, the infant classroom was large and had lots of nice toys and play areas. They use mini cribs much like ours and provide everything but diapers, wipes, and extra clothes. I passed childcare #1 on the way home and decided to pop in for a look around and it was very similar, just smaller.

Childcare #1:
1. Close to home (just a 5 minute walk)
2. Uses and teaches baby signs (ASL), Babywise scheduling
3. 1 teacher to 4 infants
4. Daily walks, weather permitting
5. Hours that work for us
6. Small, and a cramped room full of mini cribs
7. We provide diapers, wipes, 2 crib sheets, extra clothing, bottles
8. Not as many play areas as childcare #2
9. Provides a discount on the 2nd child. Still costs a little more than my salary with the TSA.
10. Not enough openings for my boys. We are on the wait list.
11. They will let us pull the boys out at any time, no notice required, no minimum.

Childcare #2:
1. Semi-close to home (20-30 minute walk)
2. Baby "on demand" scheduling, unless otherwise requested, no ASL
3. 1 teacher to 4 infants
4. Regular walks, not necessarily daily, weather permitting - only sitting stroller so babies a little too young, still
5. Hours that work for us.
6. Mini cribs in semi-separate place than big room, but also right there, not as cramped
7.They provide wipes and sheets, we provide diapers, bottles, and extra clothes
8. Many play areas in large classrooms - 2 infant classes based on infant skill level
9. No discount on 2nd child, also costs more than my salary at the TSA, a little more than childcare #1
10. Immediate openings, can accommodate both babies
11. Pay month to month, 2 week cancellation notice required

Due to accommodation of #2, that's what we'll probably do.

This just breaks my heart. I've shed so many tears over this.

60 day sentence

2009-01-13T13:10:00.001-08:00

My crime? I got a job working for the TSA, a federal agency. Really, I guess the crime was getting injured. The coworker that caused the accident didn't get such a stiff sentence, so maybe the real crime was my filing an accident report and becoming a claimant in a federal workers' compensation claim. So far I have served an open-ended sentence of about 5 years. Now I have been given a 60-day sentence to work a job that has no real definition, for people that I've grown to hate (not personally, but as an organization). Basically, they do own me. I wrote somewhere earlier that they don't, but I'm finding that they really do.

This sucks.

It's not just sucky, it's perfectly sucktacular!

This sucks.

So, for now I have told them that I wanted to start Monday, though they said I had 30 days I can put it off. Why put it off? I just want to get this overdonewithgone. I start Monday. My poor children will go into the daycare around the corner, if they have room. This daycare teaches them sign language, which is something I've been starting so at least there is that benefit. Plus, I guess I'll get time to crochet and read a little on breaks. I won't get much sleep, though, as I won't be able to nap like I try to do when both babies are asleep (a rare occurrence, but it still happens from time to time). They aren't sleeping through the night, yet.

This sucks.

I will have to try to figure out when to breastfeed these little guys since they are used to being breastfed at night and bottle-fed by day. For now I'll stick to breastfeeding them in the night and early morning feedings, but if I'm to be to work by 7 or 8 (they haven't clarified my hours), then that cuts out 1-2 breastfeedings per baby. How sad. They actually won't take the breast much when I offer it in the day. They are very used to their routine. I'm afraid that they won't breastfeed much after I get home from work.

This sucks.

Ah, routine. Well, that will get messed up. Joy of joys. Also, the EC we've been doing with the boys will also get messed up.

This sucks.

I had a conference call today with my claims examiner with the DOL, the DOL guy in charge of my vocational rehabilitation, my vocational rehabilitation counselor, and the person who will become my boss at the TSA. I was doing really well until my claims examiner started accusing me of being uncooperative and unwilling to work. Oh, I hate those words!!! I hate her! I lost it. The stress became too much for me. I hyperventilated, and started gagging. I just physically couldn't handle all the stress. Later in the call I lost my cool in another way and called the claims examiner and the DOL guy in charge of my vocational rehabilitation "devils" because they are truly evil of the purest form. I told them they are basically soulless, otherwise I asked them how they could sleep at night. I told them they are experts at ruining lives and that their actions will not only affect me, but my husband and my children. I accused the claims examiner of being negligent of her job and told her I will follow that through in writing to her manager, providing evidence - and I have evidence. She is continually putting erroneous information in her letters to me. I have to give credit to my vocational rehabilitation counselor. She was very helpful and she's been very kind and supportive, and I'm sure that if she could, she would get me out of this very bad situation. I'm not sure about the TSA woman, yet. I don't think she's evil, but maybe the government has already sucked her soul, too. It depends on how long she's worked for them.

My vocational rehabilitation counselor was cut off from the phone call not long after she defended me. She was not reconnected and I was left on my own, outnumbered against the devils. That's when I truly lost it.

This sucks.

Anyway, they said I need to work 60 days to fulfill my obligation, to prove that I am capable of earning $36,665 a year with my new restrictions. This amount is supposed to be suitable, after all, I worked for that amount 5 years ago when I was single and without children. Never mind that I made much more than that at my previous job, and have made more than that at any of the jobs I've worked since the early 1990s. Never mind that I took the TSA job more for something to do while the economy got into better shape after the dot-com crash, and that I also took the job with the full intention of moving up within the government and transferring to an office job in another agency when the right time came. When I worked for the TSA I was volunteering for extra work and authority so that I could apply for a promotion to supervisor and then manager when there were openings. Basically, they expect their claimants to have no drive, and no career path. They expect them to be lazy, uncooperative, and unwilling to work. They aren't used to dealing with people like me.

This sucks.

And yes, if I were to get the schedule award for my disability rating it would be worth it. However, they will fight me tooth and nail on that affair, too. I know that. There is the principle of the matter. I learned from an insurance lawyer a few years ago that 95% of all injury claims are dropped within the first year due to the stressful toll it takes on the claimant. Those that remain are those who are usually truly badly injured and have the strength to stick it through. Make it through that first year, he told me, and they just up the ante and make things harder and harder. Their goal is to get out of paying or to pay as little as possible. Dave and I have stuck it through this far and I am entitled to a schedule award, and if it is high enough, it could cover the boys' college education.

But then, that's a different fight and frankly, I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me. I just want my OWCP part of the claim closed once and for all. I wanted it closed cleanly so that the DOL can't come back after me for any reason. I want to buy back my life. The only way to do that, it seems, is to work those 60 days. The 60 days are work days, not calendar days, so it will be nearly 3 months. 12 weeks. Right now it seems like an eternity.

This sucks.

Have I mentioned that I hate them? I don't like being filled with hatred. Hatred brings out the worst in people and it's just bad energy. I don't want my children being around hatred. Hatred causes cancer.

This sucks.

I saw Doctor R. this morning and he verified that my claims examiner got her details wrong in her latest letter. He also told me that if they make me work outside my restrictions then he will have no problems pulling me back off the job. I have another appointment with him in 4 weeks to see if the job is taking a toll on my arm.

This sucks.

So, I start Monday and have to try to get these little guys into the daycare around the corner. At least I can walk them over there in their stroller instead of dealing with car seats. At least they are in the neighborhood.

Oh, and I gave the TSA woman a heads-up warning that I will require a room for pumping my breast milk, a room that is not a toilet stall, and that I will need breaks to do this. She said that she was not aware of any obligation that they had to provide that for me. I reminded her that it was California labor law that she was required to accommodate and she used the whole, "we're Federal" bullshit that they don't have to abide by California law. Well, that may be another fight I will have on my hands.

Have I mentioned that this sucks?

Support

2009-01-11T23:21:00.000-08:00

I wanted to say thank you to all of you for the kind words of support and encouragement through this struggle. It means a lot to me.

We're working hard at trying to get through it. I want nothing more than to be done with the DOL once and for all. I have never been filled with such disgust and hatred in my life and I don't like it. Those feelings are poison, but then, the people at the DOL are experts at dishing out poison and breaking people.

Since it's the Federal Government, there really isn't much I can do about it. I can roll over and not cooperate, but then that could come back on me in a bad way. I could lose any of my workers' compensation benefits as I would be labeled "uncooperative" and "unwilling to work." I don't know what future repercussions this could have, but it is not the best way to escape from the claws of the DOL.

I could hire a lawyer, but very few lawyers handle federal workers' compensation cases. The government has made it illegal for lawyers to handle these claims on contingency and they have also set up laws about fees charged and limits to what the lawyers can do and how they can work the claim. It would cost us over $3,000 to hire a lawyer to help with this situation and possibly another $3,000 to hire a lawyer to handle any other issue regarding this claim. For instance, this vocational rehabilitation issue would be one issue and the schedule award would be another. Any appeals and such may also be considered separate issues. This could cost us dearly and for nothing.

There is also no guarantee that I'll get a schedule award. The fact of the matter is that I AM permanently injured. I have been given a 96% right-arm disability rating. This does qualify me to apply for a schedule award but from there it will also be a big fight. They'll do whatever they can to dispute that disability rating and dispute that I'm permanently injured. The fact that I have permanent work restrictions are evidence enough that I have some level of permanent disability and deserve a schedule award. I don't know how much that may end up being, but there is the principle of the issue at hand, too, and it would be wrong to let the DOL get away with screwing over, yet, another claimant.

If the schedule award is granted for the 96% disability rating, which I doubt it will, then it might be worth some of all of this frustration and pain. We just need to figure out just how much we'll go through and when to call it quits. Unfortunately, I have tried to call it quits several times but the DOL just won't let me. They always seem to find a way to step on me and make me do their bidding. It is my wish to be done with them once and for all. For years they have been dictating to me what kinds of jobs I can and cannot apply for and what jobs I can and cannot accept. In this economic climate, nobody really has that luxury, and they have truly stunted my career path.

Now they offer me this position, okay, not so much offer as insist I take it or be "uncooperative and unwilling to work." One of the worst things to be with the DOL is uncooperative and unwilling to work." It's like your "permanent record" but seriously permanent and seriously affective to one's future. Right now I don't fully know how, but I know that if that happens then it can get much worse, and I have seen the DOL get bad, so I am terrified of their worst.

There is the huge issue of psychological distress. They have put me under tremendous pressure over the last 5 years. If it weren't for Dave, I would have dropped this years ago before I got in so deep. Sometimes I am bitter about it and other times I love him for it. The whole situation has caused me a great deal of agony and grief, not to mention the physical pain from the injury and subsequent RSD. Dave has been so strong and has been a trooper through all of it.

I'm trying to "let go and let God" because I know that given time things will, well, they will happen one way or the other. Things don't always get better, at least not quickly. I do have a feeling things will improve, though. Neither Dave nor I relish the idea of putting the boys in daycare. I'm sure that the daycare centers in our neighborhood are very nice, but it's really not our ideal situation. I want nothing more than to be with my boys as much as they need me, and they really need me right now. They aren't ready to be weaned, and it breaks my heart to think of them being cared for with many other children en-masse by strangers. Besides, we can't afford it when the job being offered pays so little. If the situation were different, for instance if I had another job, one that I loved as much as being a stay-at-home-mom, or if being a stay-at-home-mother wasn't for me (I understand it isn't for some people, but for me it's really wonderful), and/or if the boys were a bit older, than I wouldn't feel so heartbroken about it.

I guess that's about it for today's brain dump. Thanks for reading.

The gov

2009-01-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

Take my word for it, don't get a job for the Federal Government. If you work for Them, get out. If you get injured, take it to your private insurance; do not file a workers' compensation claim. If you do, they think they own you.

The people that work for the workers' compensation division of the Department of Labor are soulless creatures that are well trained in making their claimants suffer. They are experts when it comes to ruining lives and making people miserable.

Fuck them.

Nightmares

2009-01-10T22:08:00.000-08:00

I've been plagued with nightmares this past week. They've been terrible. In one, I found my friend Anna murdered. Her body was strung up and a contraption was rigged so it had giant needles going through her chest, like she was being stitched up by a giant sewing machine. I didn't tell her about this dream, but maybe she'll read it here.

In another dream I was stranded in Oakland and there were vampire bats that were real vampires wanting to suck my blood. I was trying to avoid the vampires and I had to get home. I had some other big reason I needed to get home for, but cannot recall. In the dream, the home I had to get to was the home of my youth, and in the dream I was a teen late for curfew and afraid of getting into trouble, and also afraid of worrying my parents. There were some men that were more than willing to give me a ride home, but you know the types, that ride would have come with a cost. I didn't have a good feeling about these guys since it really felt like they were too eager to get me alone into their cars. I didn't know what to do, brave the vampires or take a chance with sleazy men, and if I took a chance with a sleazy guy, then which one might be the least sleazy?

Last night's dream was the worst. It was the worst nightmare I've ever had. It made me sick. It started out innocent enough. I dreamed Dave and I were in Bountiful and walking down the old-fashioned main street marveling at how it had changed. In the dream there were now kiosks and booths, like the marketplace of many of the world's largest cities. There was a street vendor selling diapers for a great bargain and Dave and I were looking at them wondering if the bargain was worth it, checking the diapers out to see if they were good diapers or bad diapers. I heard a noise outside the dream and realized I was sleeping. I "woke up" and was back in the nursery in the bed I'm sleeping in these days (yes, I still sleep with the babies since they are not BOTH sleeping through the night - makes it easier for breastfeeding). I was in bed and had dozed off while nursing William. William was asleep so I was going to put him back in his crib and get Ronan out of his crib and nurse him. Just then, my whole body started to tingle and I couldn't move. The tingling sensation was like the way the spinal block felt just before and after my c-section. I tried to get up but couldn't. I tried to talk but couldn't. I looked at Ronan and saw a dark shadow hover over his crib, then Ronan was levitated, first by his feet, then his whole body was lifted and moved back and forth in his crib. I tried to scream, I thought I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed but nothing happened. Ronan was still being moved by this dark entity and I realized I was making no noise. I mustered up every ounce of strength I had and forced out a yell. Once sound escaped my mouth I was released from the paralysis, the tingling sensation dissipated, and I opened my eyes. I didn't realize until that moment that my eyes were really closed and that it was all in my mind. I shouted for Dave and he came running. He found me sobbing and terrified. It was 4am. Neither of us could really sleep the rest of the night.

Easter passing

2009-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking about the holiday. I'm talking about James Easter. He was someone I knew way back in my other life, my Utah life.

James died yesterday. I won't get into details since they don't matter. He leaves behind 2 sons, many loving family members, and many friends who are hurting right now.

To be honest, I didn't know him well and haven't been in touch with him for about 20 years. Still, I'm saddened about his passing. I'm sad that many of my old friends are sad. I learned about this yesterday when I saw my friend Travis Clark's status on Facebook. He asked for a moment of silence for James. I didn't really know what happened until I chatted with my friend Anna, my best friend of 26 years.

Anna's terribly sad about this. She had gotten back in touch with James recently and they were becoming better friends. She feels especially terrible because she heard from James earlier this week, he wanted to see her but she didn't have the ability to see him.

How does one know when these moments could be the last?

This sucks

2009-01-10T16:52:00.000-08:00

Remember that stupid job with the TSA? The one they waited for 5 years to offer me, then offered it to me when I was at the end of my pregnancy, then forced me to accept it and show up for work against doctor's orders? Remember that one?

Well, I'm supposed to start work now that my "maternity leave" is over. I have to show up for work now. They sent me a letter saying I had to do it or not only would I not receive any more workers compensation, but I would no longer be eligible for a schedule award.

A schedule award is the money paid when you are permanently injured and have reached maximum medical improvement. Well, I am permanently injured and reached maximum medical improvement years ago. I am entitled to that schedule award. I suffer the pain to prove it.

Still, I am forced to return to a job that pays very little. In fact, it pays so little that I will actually be paying about $200+ a month for the privilege of working there. I will be working with a lot of people that gave me so much grief when I got injured, and harassed me when I had to work light duty after the injury. Even when I was light duty, they never respected my restrictions and often forced me to work beyond my restrictions, thus making my injury worse. I wonder if my pain wouldn't be so bad today had things gone better with that job years ago in the early days of healing. Now I go back to that job, once again working "light duty."

I don't know what else to do. Not returning to work may cost us greatly, much more than the $200 it will cost me for gas and other expenses related to working there. But then, going to work there will cost me emotionally and spiritually, which in turn will affect my health.

Further, it means putting my two little ones in day care. I've researched it and reasonable child care for 2 infants in this area costs around $3,000 a month, just about what I'd be making pre-tax from the TSA. We'll have to cut into Dave's salary to pay for daycare and for my transportation to and from work, not to mention food expenses while I'm there unless I pack lunches. It also means that Dave will have to take the night shift with the babies since I'll have to be to work by 7am, which also cuts out 4 of their 5-6 breast feedings per day since they usually each get breastfed around 4am, 6am, 8am, and 10am.

The TSA won't likely be happy, either, since I'll have to take a 30 minute break every 2 hours to pump and they'll have to provide me a private room for doing so, a room that is not a bathroom, and refrigeration for my milk. This is California law. I need to pump every 2 hours to get adequate milk for my little guys.

This is just a disaster all around, but I have to do it and have to show willing. They are fully taking advantage of my personal situation in their favor.

I'm so filled with disgust, sadness, anger, and hatred right now, and that is making me sick.

Ho Ho Ho

2008-12-20T17:59:00.001-08:00

Since Thanksgiving I have been trying to get the boys their photo with Santa. I made several attempts but something always seemed to make it not happen. A few times one or both would throw up on their cute outfits (yes, throw up, not spit up). A few other times one would have an explosive diaper. Once a friend just decided to pop in for a cup of tea (my friends seem to think I'm bored and lonely with Dave out of town - I've had a few surprise visits and several phone calls). One friend offered to go with me and help but canceled twice for good reasons - she has twins herself and she and her babies all got sick this week.

So I finally got them out the door on Thursday after 3 hours of getting all 3 of us ready. We all looked good, if I must say so myself. No puke or poop marked our clothes. I even dressed a little up myself, in one of my favorite skirts, seeing as how it isn't very often I get out and about.

The timing was right. The boys were fed, clean, and happy. I got to the mall and there was someone vacating a really good parking space. I waited patiently and then an SUV full of teens decided they wanted to fight me for it. They turned the corner, saw the spot being vacated and even though I know they saw me, they signalled their intention to take it. Fortunately, a spot right by that one just got vacated and they took it so all was good.

While I put the stroller together several other drivers waited for me to vacate my spot... yeah, right. I got the boys out of their seats into strollers, walked into the mall, realized I forgot their Santa hats and went back to the car for them. I retrieved their hats while more drivers waited for me to vacate my parking space and I surely disappointed them when I turned the stroller back around and went back into the mall.

Walking through the mall a family of 3 very stupid (yes, I mean stupid) bothered me as I was getting the boys a personalized 1st Christmas ornament. I waited patiently in line then had my turn to get the ornament personalized. Then the stupid family starts touching the boys and playing with their pacifiers. I felt torn between trying to get the ornament painted right and trying to protect the babies. Of course, the babies come first. I was too polite. I told them to please not touch my babies but if they really must, then they had to use hand sanitizer, and I handed them my little bottle and turned back to the ornament painter who had stopped progress on my ornament and started helping the next customer. I asked her to please finish my ornament since I was there first and she said, "well, you were talking to those people." I stared at her incredulously. The woman who was then being helped seemed to realize that my talking to "those people" wasn't really by choice. I could just tell by the kind and understanding look on her face.

The stupid family actually asked why I didn't want them touching my babies. Since they were, truly, deficient in mental capacity I continued to take pity on them and explained as politely as possible that I didn't want my boys exposed to harmful germs that could make them sick. The teen girl asked, "what to you mean?" See, I said they were pretty stupid. I explained further about germs leading to colds and flu. She said that she wasn't sick as her mother coughed right next to her. I said, "maybe not, but your mother seems a bit ill and I don't want my babies to get it."

My ornament was finished and it took some great effort to get rid of the family, and make my way to Santa. I got stopped a few more times by curious customers who seemed to have never EVER seen twins before. I also had to navigate through the offensive and annoying kiosk employees trying to get me to look at/buy crap. This mall allows them to yell at customers to try to get attention. Many of them actually walk right in front of you and block your path. I swear, this mall sucks in that way. If it weren't for the great shops I'd never go. As it is, I only go there a few times a year, anyway.

I finally made it to Santa and tried to navigate the stroller through the maze of ribbons that kept the line in order. When I got to the back of the line, Santa's helper closed the ribbon right in front of me and told me they were closing until 6:10, which meant another feeding/diaper cycle and also meant waiting in line with all the people going to the mall after work. I begged her to make an exception, she wouldn't. I walked off and cried.

I went to Mrs. Fields to get cookies to cheer myself up. Every time I ordered my cookies the girl at the counter just paused, I don't know why the delays. I kept having to turn my head to tell people to please not touch the babies and then I'd turn back to get my cookies and find the employee helping the next in line. Again, I protested and finally got my cookies, paid for them, then forgot them as I rushed off with the 2 crying babies.

I turned around to go back for them and a kiosk worker jumped in my way to try to sell me a heat pack. I walked around her and another kiosk worker jumped in front of me and said, "whoa, where's the fire?" I walked around him while holding my arm high in the air waving him the finger! Yes, picture me in my dark blue velvet skirt, pushing a twin stroller and waving the birdie high and mighty!

I got my cookies, went to the cush Nordstrom bathroom and fed the babies, diapered them, then made my way back to Santa's line. I love Nordstrom!!

I waited about an hour and a half and the boys were starting to fuss again for more food and diaper changing. I was near tears again for all the trouble this had taken just for this photo, which seemed so important to me. When I finally made it to the front of the line Santa's helper said she was glad to see I came back. I decided to tell her exactly what I had to go through to get to the front of the line and how she could have saved me 3 hours of extra difficulty and tears that day. She stared at me blankly, then her chin quivered and her eyes watered and she turned around and ran off. I made Santa's helper cry. She ran off leaving the rest of the line stuck. We stood there not knowing what to do. Everyone waiting for Santa then got delayed because of me.

In the end I did get a great photo, though.

Remember the fruitcake?

2008-12-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that fruitcake that made the rounds? I used to think that there was only one fruitcake in the world, but it was impossible for the one to make the rounds to so many homes, so I think that there may be a few fruitcakes in the world, really. Nobody eats them, or I don't think they are supposed to eat them. They just keep passing them around, regifting them. I'm not talking about the British fruitcake, like they have at weddings and holidays. We Americans have our own version and this fruitcake is like a hot potato, or like the "Old Maid" card.

Well, I saw this photo on the net:

Does that mean someone actually ate it? Well, we know one has been cut. Does this mean there is one less fruitcake in the world?

I haven't seen a fruitcake in years. My parents received it every year and did their duty by regifting it to pass it on. Who has it now, I wonder?

The cloth diapering challenge

2008-11-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to cloth diaper these little guys. I was so determined that I didn't want any disposable diapers in the house and I tried to see if I could get the hospital to use cloth on the boys when they were born (they wouldn't).

I ordered cloth diapering service from Tiny Tots, learned how to do it, bought all the equipment, and felt very comfortable with my decision. I firmly believe it's the best option. It's better for the babies and better for the environment. I don't buy into the bull put out by the disposable diaper manufacturers that says the environmental impact is the same, if not worse, with cloth diapers. They say that laundering the cloth is as bad as throwing the disposables in the trash. They fail to mention that laundering the diapers can use less water and pollutants than it takes to just manufacture the disposables, and they don't include the environmental impact of packaging and delivering the cargo to the stores to sell them. They fail to mention that a disposable covered in a landfill can take at least 250 years to "biodegrade." They also fail to mention that disposables are now a possible link to rising rates of male factor infertility.

Oh, I'm making myself feel worse for using all these disposable diapers! Aack!

Dave refuses to use cloth diapers like Bum Genius that we'd have to launder ourselves. Maybe later in the game, but we are so busy with two babies that laundering the cloth would be tough, even though I'm very willing to do it.

Another option is gDiapers, though they are not the ideal option. These are sort of a combo between cloth and disposable. Dave is on the fence on these and won't decide as to whether or not to try them. Fortunately, we don't have a septic system and by what I've learned, and I could be wrong, our municipal sewage system is compatible with these diaper inserts. I don't know if our plumbing would cope, though.

We can also try 7th Generation diapers but their website has really ticked me off. Their fancy way of giving coupons is not compatible with my printer and I have to request for them to mail me printed coupons, which they send me one at a time, which defeats the purpose. I have heard that they have sent very good coupons and deals to other mothers of twins, but I have failed to reach the right people, I suppose. I don't think their website is very user-friendly, at least not to this user. I've read, too, that unless these are composted, they don't do well with biodegrading, either.

I have attempted to use the Tiny Tots prefold diapers on the boys several times over the last 2 months. They're super cute, even if they were super huge initially. I love photographing the boys in nothing but their cloth diapers.

Until recently, the cloth diapers were really big on the boys and practically engulfed them if I used the Litewrap covers. I tried without the covers but that was futile since they would soil through to their clothes and blankets without the added polyurethane covers. Also, with them being so huge, it was pushing the little guys' legs out too wide and making them so uncomfortable, not to mention added concerns about leg development (hey, I'm a first-time mom and it's my prerogative to be concerned about everything).

I tried again a few days ago and while they were still a lot bulkier than their disposable counterparts, they weren't so bad and no longer splayed out the boy's legs so badly. I used them all day and went through many changes, about one every hour or two per baby. I was pleased with how they are more absorbent with breastmilk poops, which made cleanup easier with fewer wipes. The boys seemed to be fine in them, too. By the end of the day, however, the boys had developed the worst diaper rashes I've ever seen. I was surprised, since cloth diapers are supposed to be better about these things and typically cloth diapered babies get fewer rashes.

I'm not giving up just yet, though. We still subscribe to the diaper service, though so far it has been a big huge waste of money. I'll continue for another few weeks and will try to cloth diaper starting one a day, then two a day, and so on and so forth, to see if I can build these guys little bums a tolerance to the fabric, which is more harsh than the disposable diapers. These cloth diapers aren't soft, by any means.

I hope someday that we can graduate to using all-in-ones and launder them ourselves. Actually, I am reading "Diaper Free Baby" to see about using elimination communication as an alternate method. I think I can do it with William quite easily; Ronan will be more of a challenge. I'll keep you posted.

I love motherhood!

2008-11-18T20:59:00.001-08:00

To all those that said, "you don't want kids, they're too much work!" To all those that said, "Are you sure you want children? They change your life!" To all those that said, "Just wait until you have kids..."

I waited. Boy, did I wait! Yes, they have changed my life. Yes, they are a lot of work, but not too much.

I LOVE BEING THE MOTHER OF WILLIAM AND RONAN!

I've wanted children for as long as I can remember. I've always felt that I was supposed to have children and be a mother. It broke my heart in high school when a friend said she didn't see me having children, but rather being a favorite aunt. I like being a favorite aunt (I'm the only aunt to 5 of my nieces and nephews so that is hopefully a given). Oh yes, I have loved being an aunt for 16 years but I've been heartbroken at not being a mother. Now I'm a mother and it feels so good. So right.

At the same time, I feel for my friends that want children but still struggle to conceive. I feel for all the women who are going through the struggle of infertility and especially for those who have crossed that bridge into acceptance of living child-free. I realize that could still be me, had IVF not changed my life.

Dave is a great father and we are such a happy family.

I would write more, but Ronan needs me NOW!

It is work, but it's bliss.

What a week - or two!

2008-11-18T19:44:00.001-08:00

The last week has been rough. Dave got the lurgy that has been going around at his work. Of course, everyone there has had it or has it and nobody takes sick days so they pass it around. Dave included. In a way they think they're heroes for sticking it out and getting the job done even though they feel like crap. Most of it, though, is that they don't want to waste their precious days off being home sick when they can use them for a better purpose, to travel.

With Dave sick it meant I didn't get much of a break from the boys. I'm not really complaining, it is just hard work and I've been very busy and very tired. Poor Dave, feeling as crappy as he did, helped in whatever ways he could. We were both too nervous to have him handle the babies because they are still under 2 months old. Our pediatrician warned us that if the boys develop a fever before they are 2 months old then the testing would be invasive and include a spinal tap, just to be safe. We'd rather be safe and keep these boys in a bubble, but since we can't do that, we just try to keep the germs away the best that we can. When Dave did need to handle them, he washed his hands well and wore a mask. Again, poor Dave. That mask irritated his skin and made it difficult for him to breathe, and he got very little precious time with his little guys.

The boys are 8 weeks today, though, and just days away from 2 months! Dave's also feeling much better now.

I'm finally feeling more like myself. When they say it takes at least 6 to 8 weeks to recover from a c-section, that is very true in my case. I still have a lot of nerve damage (me and my nervous system, joy of joys) and have odd sensations when anything touches below my belly button. I occasionally feel jabs of pain as the nerves remap. Fortunately, the area was numb due to the nerve damage until just a few weeks ago. That didn't mean I had no pain, but all the times the doctors and nurses had to touch the incision, I didn't feel it much.

The cloth diapering isn't going very well. That's another post to come, since it has been quite the story. Essentially, they were way too big for the boys until recently. Now that they fit, I was excited to use nothing but cloth diapers the other day and it went really well, at least until both boys developed the worst diaper rash I'd ever seen! I'm not giving up just yet. Once they've recovered from the rashes I'll try again, starting with one a day for a few days, then two, then three, and so on. If that fails, I'd like to try gDiapers. Dave still is adamant against using any cloth diapers we need to launder ourselves and he's on the fence about gDiapers. I'm also looking into elimination communication as an alternative.

We took the babies on their first trip to Grandma's house on Sunday. We were only there for about 4 hours but it took us all weekend to prepare. I caught up on laundry and Dave got the car cleaned and fueled. Dave packed our diaper bag as well as a car "spare" bag just in case we got stuck overnight (the car isn't in the best shape and doesn't have a heater). I bought some warm fleecy outfits for the little guys (with all the baby clothes we had, we had nothing that warm for 0-3 months). It took us 4 hours to get ready for the day and we got to her house an hour later than planned.

Jack and Chris were there and Jack took loads of pictures of the boys. I can't wait to see them. Jack has such a way about him that he, again, made me feel comfortable enough to bare pink parts and breastfeed in front of him. I just think that breastfeeding these guys is such a beautiful thing. I love looking at William's and Ronan's faces as they nurse. Dave took a lot of photos, too.

Daniel prepared us a nice lunch and we felt very spoiled. Before we knew it, it was time to drive home. It was a good dry run for Thanksgiving.

The boys have their 2-month pediatrician appointment soon and they'll get shots. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm sure it will hurt me more than it hurts them.

Feedings at night are getting so much better. I've now been nursing them throughout the night and they are actually sleeping a good 5-6 hour stretch (nearly 7 hours a couple of times) several nights a week. Sadly, sometimes they do their long stretches opposite each other. We are pretty strict about our night-time routine, though, and usually get that long stretch from 11pm until 4-5am.

I'm still tired.

Tomorrow

2008-11-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

I don't care how you vote, just vote. The democratic process works better when more people participate.

Getting political

2008-10-29T14:47:00.001-07:00

I know I'm opening a big can of worms by writing about this, especially now. There are a lot of people that agree with my views, but there are also a lot who disagree. It can get ugly. That's why I normally keep my views to myself. However, I have this strange compulsion, given everything going on these days, to express myself more openly this year.

So, I'll start with the presidential election. I will be voting for Obama. To be honest, I liked Hillary Clinton's platform better than Obama's when it was back in the days of the primary election. I was also very bitter about Obama's campaign calling me so often and sending people to my house to ask for donations. I gave a small donation once at Target, but I was reluctant to do so, even then. The only reason I did was to promote change. However, I believe there are many better organizations that could use the money. I believe if a person donates to one cause, then the other causes won't get that donation. It all depends on where your heart is and my heart goes out to children with cancer, orphans in 3rd world countries, and children affected by fires.

Barack Obama won the primary election and though I disagree with him about his health care plan, I believe it is better than McCain's. I also don't believe McCain's bull about Obama raising everyone's taxes. The president only has so much power, anyway. It takes a lot of people and a lot of power to make things happen. Dave and I don't make over $250,000 a year, anyway. Besides, if we did, we wouldn't mind paying extra taxes if we knew it would help people get much-needed health care. Why must people be so greedy? I really don't mind a certain amount of socialism because at some point, most people need some help. Sure, there are some abusers, but for the most part, I still have tremendous faith in humankind and believe that we should be willing to help others. Christ would.

Dave made an interesting comment the other day as we were driving along looking at all of the political signs on people's yards. Dave said he wanted a sign that said, "How would Jesus vote?" Maybe all Christians should ask themselves that question. I found that very interesting considering Dave is not religious.

Which brings me to Proposition 8. This is a very controversial issue here in California. This is one that has caused a lot of arguments and divisions. Proposition 8 is for an amendment to the California Constitution that would legally define marriage as between a man and a woman once and for all. This would make same sex marriages illegal in this state for good. Now, it seems to me that those who oppose gay marriage, oppose it on moral grounds because they believe homosexuality is a sin. This makes this issue a religious issue. That means, to me, that this is clearly an issue of church and state. I believe firmly in a separation of church and state.

I'm not gay, so why should I care if gay people can marry? I believe that all people, regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation should have the same equal rights. To me, denying homosexual people the right to marry is similar to denying multiracial couples the right of marriage. Besides, supporting same sex marriages also supports monogamy, even if that monogamy is between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. At least that's a step in the right "moral" direction, right?

Essentially, though, it's not my place to judge, so I will be voting NO on Proposition 8. I have some neighbors who have YES on Proposition 8 signs in their yards. I wish they hadn't have done that. Now I look at those neighbors and think of them as homophobes. I think there is a reason for homophobia and bigotry (hidden homosexual tendencies, perhaps), and I believe it's a great personal weakness.

Baby time

2008-10-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

In "The Chronicles of Narnia," there is another world with a time of its own. In Narnia, a lot of time passes while only moments pass in our own world. While this is fiction, there are many time dimensions that really exist in our own world.

My dad seems to have a time dimension of his own. People that know him would call it "Calder time." I've been accused of living on Calder time, too, though in my defense there are often factors out of my control and it's just my fate to get the blame when it really should fall elsewhere (I normally don't have it in me to explain, I just suck it up most of the time).

When my dad moved to Guatemala we discovered that Calder time was really "Guatemala time." I discovered there was a method to it. If someone says "morning," they really mean noonish. If they say "noon," they really mean sometime in the early evening. If they say "tomorrow," it means sometime probably that week and "next week" means any time that month. If a person says they can do a job in 5 minutes, it will take a couple of hours. If they say they can do it in a couple of hours, it is an all-day affair. Something that takes a full day will take a full weekend and anything more than a couple of days will take all week. Likewise, a job that takes a week will take at least a month.

I've recently discovered a new time dimension. It's "baby time." Ever since the boys were born I've been living in it. Dave and my mom have visited a great deal in baby time, too. In baby time, time passes in a strange way. One hour may feel like several, or it may feel like 20 minutes. Baby time isn't nearly as predictable as Guatemala time or Calder time. Sleeping in baby time is odd, too. 3 hours of sleep will seem like 8 or may seem like only 30 minutes. Even though the babies are typically on a 3-hour feeding schedule, sometimes we finish one feeding cycle just in time for the next one to begin.

Dave escapes baby time every day when he goes to work. He also spends a lot of time in his "cave," which is my term for our office. I don't think baby time exists in there unless there is also a baby in there. I live in baby time 24/7 - but I'm not sure if 24/7 is a term that really can exist in baby time.

I don't mind baby time so much. I've learned to adjust and live in the babies' time zone. I go with their flow, feed them when they are hungry, change them when they are mucky, and take care of myself when I am able to - when they sleep or sometimes when they are eating. It's easy for me to find computer time since I am pretty much tethered to the couch with babies on me most of the time. I'm tandem breastfeeding right now (for those not familiar with this, it means I've got both babies on my EZ2 Nurse pillow with each baby on a breast). I'm able to type when doing this, and this is often when I eat, drink, and sometimes sleep if I'm tired enough. Finding the time and ability to shower or prepare myself a meal is more difficult because that requires both babies to be content and sleeping at the SAME TIME. While I have done well to get the little guys to eat at the same time, it's not so easy to get them to sleep at the same time. There is usually one awake at any given time. If they are awake and left alone, there is usually a certain amount of crying or escalated screaming.

Fortunately, baby time is somewhat predictable. I can pretty much guess when they will want to eat and can somewhat plan around that, provided they both sleep afterward. So, for the most part, I'm tethered to at least one baby most of the time. I have a baby sling and have discovered the benefits of wearing a baby while trying to get other things done - adult things (get your mind out of the gutter - I'm referring to doing dishes, laundry, and basic household tasks).

The biggest problem I encounter with baby time is that the rest of the world is NOT in this time dimension, nor do many people understand it, even if they themselves have spent some time in baby time. I think many people visit baby time without even realizing it. Even Dave won't seem to realize he was in baby time - on occasion he'll say, "but that was 8 hours ago" when it was really only 2 or 3 or maybe he'll remark about how the babies just ate 30 minutes ago without realizing that a full 3 hours has passed and it took that long to change them, wash the bottles, and prepare for the next feeding.

We've been blessed with so many offers of help. The help is always needed and appreciated. The only problem with the help is that the helpers are not living in baby time and to accept the help, I need to try to make baby time mix with real world time. I need to make myself available to answer the phone or the door on real world time, even though the babies might be hungry, tired, or dirty. It's tough for me to talk on the phone, let alone return phone calls. It makes me feel like I'm rude, but I do the best that I can. It's hard for me to get out since I need to make sure both babies are fed and changed first, and make sure it's all done quickly so that I have some time before the next cycle begins. With the healing c-section and my bad arm, it's also difficult to get out since I can barely carry one car seat on its own without a baby, let alone 2 with babies, not to mention handling the stroller (getting it in and out of the car).

When helpers do come, it means I can't take a nap when it's convenient and I have to schedule my naps, meals, and showers on real-world time around the schedule of those that are coming over. We have Carmen, a great housekeeper, come twice a week for now, to help out. We need her help or the house might fall apart, but it requires a lot of effort from me. I have to get the house tidy or she'll try to put things away and they'll either end up in the wrong places where I'll have to do it over again when she's gone, or she'll be always asking me where things go, which means I might as well do it myself. Her time is much better used doing the things that we just don't have the time or ability to do right now - like real cleaning and not general tidying up.

So, again, twice a week I have to try to make baby time mix with real world time as I try to get the house tidy enough to keep things out of Carmen's way. I have to be showered by the time she gets here or I don't get a shower. Likewise with eating. I feel awkward eating in front of her, as I have discovered that she often hasn't eaten by the time she gets here and if I make myself a sandwich, I feel compelled to make her a sandwich, too, which is hard on me and also isn't a very good use of her time or our money.

She is very helpful, however, when the babies need attention and I could use an extra pair of hands. She sometimes comes into baby time and helps with a feeding when we are doing a bottle feeding (obviously, she can't help much with breastfeeding). She is great at picking up and rocking a baby when both are crying.

In this way, help is bittersweet. It's necessary and it gives me that little extra something I need to be the best mother I can be to 2 babies at the same time, but alternatively it causes me some stress on those days when I have to work in 2 time dimensions at the same time.

I have double the babies, why can't I be double the person and have one of me in baby time and the other in real-world time?

One month old today!

2008-10-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

The boys are 1/3 through their "fourth trimester!" In a way, it's kind of sad. They're quickly growing past being newborns and becoming full babies, then from babies to boys and boys to men.

They're really growing so fast! They've been outgrowing some of their clothes by the week and now I need to do some sorting so that it's easy to quickly grab an outfit that fits.

Ronan has lost some of his fuzzy hair in a receding hairline pattern. It's cute because it makes him look much older and wiser, in an odd sort of way. William is starting to do the same.

Ronan may fit a colicky pattern now, but the jury is still out on that one. Thank goodness for "Happiest Baby on the Block!" Although, the "cuddle" cure only works until I put him back down, then he screams all over again. This makes nights very difficult for both Dave and me, but especially me. I'm trying to take on the night shift on my own so that Dave can get some sleep so he can be fully alert at his job. You see, his job requires "lerts." Really, he is the sole breadwinner for now and he needs to focus on his job. My job is caring for these little guys. It is not likely I'll be able to "return" to that job at the TSA. First of all, the job pays less than child care would cost and even if we found a workaround for that, there is no way I would be able to work outside the home if I'm kept up all night by screaming babies.

The boys are still asking to be fed every 2-3 hours. Occasionally we'll get a 4-5 hour stretch between feedings but then they make up for that stretch in the day or the next night by wanting food every 90 minutes for awhile.

I still breastfeed, pump, and bottle feed. In the bottles, I give them whatever I pump and supplement with formula when I run low on breast milk.

I think William may be smiling. He smiles back if I or Dave smile at him. Of course, it could be gas. At this early stage it is tough to say.

Ronan is getting a lot better at latching on. That's a big relief to me.

William may have some issues with reflux. He projectile vomits 1-5 times a day. I'm not talking "spit-up," which for some reason many people assume that's what I mean since I'm a first-time mom. I know the difference between spit-up, which is common, and full-out vomiting. Poor William. It shoots out his mouth and nose and comes up in copious amounts, or seemingly so, until it seems his stomach is empty again. He handles it well, though. Once he's cleaned up he's got his fist back at his mouth asking for more food.

William also still struggles with a nasty diaper rash. It seems his food, if he keeps it down, passes too quickly through him. He has liquidy acidic poops. Sorry if it's TMI for you. This concerns us, though. The poor little guy hurts and isn't gaining weight as rapidly as his brother. We're very attentive and do what we can to ensure that he continues to keep the calories in him and keep him clean so his bum bum won't hurt so bad.

They're both strong and seem physically advanced for their age. Their legs are strong, so are their necks. They also have amazing dexterity in their hands for being so darned little and young.

It's tough to put them in pants/trousers because both of them curl their legs up and kick a lot, which results in them pulling their legs up in the legs of the pants, then they kick and either pull the pants off or if they are in a sleeper, then they pull the sleeper down, which puts pressure on their neck and makes them terribly uncomfortable, then they scream. Ronan is better about this than William and I can occasionally get away with putting sleepers on him as long as the fit is really good. I try with William from time to time. I put pants on him if they don't have feet sewn in. Today he's wearing pants with feet and I put some socks on him under the pants and the socks seem to be keeping his feet where they belong, in the feet of his pants.

Both of them have troubles being on their backs when they sleep right after eating. They get all congested and have difficulty breathing, which results in me worrying and not being able to sleep. I have found that it helps to put them in boppy pillows so that they are elevated. I think we may need to get them sleep positioners (recommended by their pediatrician).

We've had to deviate from a lot of our hopes and plans. We still try cloth diapers regularly but the diapers and covers are just too big for them, still, and push their legs out too wide. With the covers on, the diapers cover from their belly buttons to about their knees. The boys hate being soiled, too, which results in them having to be changed about once every hour in the cloth diapers, which doesn't work too well for me getting sleep. I'm so sleep deprived as it is. While I keep trying the cloth diapers and hope to make them work someday, we are using disposables for the most part for now, which gives me some guilt about the environmental damage, not to mention the effects on the boys (excessive heat, diaper rash, chemicals, etc.). Well, we have a couple of years of diapering for me to make that transition to cloth - and we have a time commitment to the diaper service which we will fulfill so hopefully we'll get this worked out by the time that runs out.

I also swore I'd never take the babies to bed with me. Well, I don't seem to have much choice in that, again, if I want to get any sleep. Sometimes it's the only way to get Ronan to calm down and the only way to keep William from choking on his own vomit. For now I put their boppy pillows on the bed next to me (they are kept on the bed by the arms that run along the sides of the top of the bed so no worries about them falling off) and put the babies in those after each feeding. If I remember to wake up about 1/2 after they fall asleep then I put them back in their cages (cribs). Ronan seldom will stay in his cage unless he's very deeply asleep when he's put in there.

As I mentioned earlier about the sleep positioners, that's another thing I didn't want to use. I didn't want to have anything in the crib except a baby swaddled nicely. The boys don't often like being swaddled and will scream and writhe until I let their hands go free. They escape from any blanket swaddle. We now use Swaddleme wraps by Kiddopotamus and those work well for a few hours, but they have almost outgrown those. I recently ordered some Miracle Blankets from Amazon with hopes those will work. For now we have to put rolled up receiving blankets on each side of each baby to keep them from rolling and we secure a warm blanket over them to keep them warm.

Dave and I feel like we're coming down with some bug. Not fun and worrisome because I worry the boys will get it. Their pediatrician said that if they get a fever in the first couple of months they'll need to get a spinal tap. We need to avoid that - only one month to go until I can worry a little less.

I worry most of all about SIDS. I'm terrified of it and there is a part of me that thinks since I have two babies, I'm at double the risk of losing one to SIDS. A big part of my worry stems from the risks we are taking due to necessity (vinyl covered mattresses, blankets in their cribs, sleeping on boppies, sleeping on the bed with me from time to time). My family has lost 2 children - my brother John to cancer at the age of 7 and my niece Halie Marie to a fire at the age of 2. A part of me feels like this is a special curse that will affect my children and it scares me beyond anything. I love these little boys so much.

They are barely sleeping. I'm hoping I can get a bit of a shower, maybe a nap, or a little time outside in the sunshine. Oh, and maybe get a little laundry done, wash the bottles, wash my bedding since William threw up all over it, etc.

More pictures!

2008-10-20T20:21:00.001-07:00

We made it out!

2008-10-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

Dave and I took the boys to Oktoberfest in downtown Campbell today. It took us about 2 hours to get ready and out the door, but it was really worth it. We were only out for about 2 hours but still, totally worth it.

I'm still very sore from the c-section but I was able to walk the stretch of the main street and look at the booths on both sides. There were some nice interesting things, but we didn't buy anything.

The boys got a lot of happy smiles and questions. I felt so proud and just so elated to be out. One guy carrying a couple of beers asked Dave if they were twins and Dave said, "yes." A moment later he told me what he wanted to say, "no, you've been drinking too much and you're seeing double."

They are going through a growth spurt so it has been tough to get sleep. William wanted feeding every 90-120 minutes instead of his usual 3-hours, but that was better by this afternoon. Tonight when I was giving him his bottle, he threw up, projectile vomited, all over himself, the couch, and me. Poor little guy. I've e-mailed his pediatrician about the vomiting. He's done it quite a lot and it worries me that he might be suffering from reflux issues.

Last week I had daily visits from the ladies in the Relief Society at church. They were all so nice and watched the boys while I was able to shower and do a few things for myself. A couple of women brought us dinner, which was also very helpful.

Our friends Erin, Anne, Mark and Stephanie have also provided dinners for us, and Tony and Rachel brought us a nice dessert last week. It's all so extremely helpful. Dave and I are just so busy with these guys and learning how to be parents, me while I'm recovering from what was a very difficult physical experience for me. I keep wondering when the c-section incision will stop hurting. It is getting better, but just not as fast as I had hoped. I am much better from the PIH, though. My blood pressure has been a lot better this week. It's still not where it was before I was pregnant, but it is no longer considered high and I am not taking the blood pressure medications anymore.

I'm on my own now this week. My visiting teacher from church offered to get more visitors and helpers for the week but I decided to try it on my own and see how I do. We are getting the hang of this.

Thank goodness for boppy pillows, Playtex nursing bras, and the EZ2 Nurse pillow! Those have been the most helpful items we have through this experience.

The boys are a bit fussy right now and Dave is holding William while I hold Ronan. We hope they go to sleep soon so we can sleep. I try not to bother Dave on work nights so that he can be clear-headed at his job. He's the sole provider for this family for now and in this economic climate, his job is so extremely important to us. The nights are very hard on me, though. I dread them, really.

The love I feel for these boys is immense. I marvel that they are just at the beginning of their lives. I think about how long it has been since my infancy and all that has happened in my life. I hope they don't suffer as deep of sadness as I have, I pray that they make the right decisions and don't slip into the pitfalls we see all around us. I worry so much about all the different paths they might take. Part of me feels selfish for bringing them into this world that is full of so much strife, but then I think of all the goodness that is in this world, too, if we just open our eyes to see it.

I was feeling this elation today as we were out. I was watching the smiles of others as they looked at little William and Ronan. The boys are magic. They bring such happiness and joy to Dave and me, and to all those that are around them. Babies are magic.

Motherhood

2008-10-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

The last 3 weeks have been wonderful and hard. I'm having a difficult time recovering. My c-section incision still hurts, sometimes more than others. The constant getting up to care for the boys isn't helping. The more I use my abdominal muscles, the worse it hurts, but I'm sure it's probably helping my belly to be stronger in the end.

My doctor reminds me that there is a reason they say it's at least a 6-8 week recovery, plus I have to also recover from a twin pregnancy, as well as the PIH. It has been hard, but the love I feel for the boys overshadows a lot of the pain.

Ronan is my cuddly one and William is my curious one. Both seem physically advanced to me. They have been rolling over onto their sides for a couple of weeks now. Both try to hold their own bottles and today William actually pulled his pacifier out of his mouth with his fingers! They have pretty good neck and leg strength. They are also growing so fast, they are growing out of clothes faster than I can keep up the laundry.

Mothering twins is hard and it's rewarding. I'm so tired that it is hindering my recovery and Dave and I have both had some sort of stomach bug the last few days. As difficult as these early weeks may be, I see the blessings above all else. On one hand I can't wait for some time to pass until the boys are sleeping through the night, or at least for about 4 hours at a time. On the other hand, I see them growing so fast and see my little babies getting bigger and bigger and realize how very precious this time is in the moment. I'm trying to enjoy every moment, even though it's difficult at times.

The night time feedings are the most difficult. They have gotten easier as we have figured out how to streamline them to save time and make more time for blessed sleep. I bought some nursing bras at Mervyns on clearance for $5 each! Shame they only had 3 - so I need to do laundry more often. I leak so much I can only get away with wearing each bra for about a day before they feel icky. They aren't exactly my size but they are just slightly bigger and the perfect size for fitting my breast pump in there for hands-free pumping. So now at night we make 6 bottles of formula (I'm still not making enough milk for all feedings so they get my milk by day and formula at night). When it's time to feed the little guys I pump while feeding both babies in tandem. I set them up in boppy pillows to make this easier. It has improved feedings so that they take about 40-60 minutes per feeding instead of 2+ hours. I used to breastfeed them, then let them sleep 20 minutes while I pumped, then bottle feed them, then change their diapers and then cuddle them back to sleep. The new system is so much better, but still tiring.

In the day they still breastfeed, I still pump, and I still give them a bottle, but in the daytime they get nothing but breast milk. At least I can do that for them. I'm taking Fenugreek to help improve supply and it seems to work but it makes me smell like curry. Funny, huh?

William is crying so it's time for another cycle to begin. Thank goodness the boys are on pretty much the same schedule!!!

Work status

2008-10-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

I forgot to update about the TSA job. I showed up that Monday as directed. I felt awful and apparently looked it. I was told by a few people that day about how ill I looked. Nice of them, really.

So I went in and filled out the paperwork for maternity leave. After that I was sent home with apologies for keeping me there so long. I went home and slept most of the rest of the day. The next day I became a mother.

Incidentally, the job pays less than it would cost for child care for 2 babies.

All is well

2008-10-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

The boys had their first pediatrician appointment this week. They're doing very well! They've each gained about a pound over their birth weight. The doctor said at this point they just hope to see the babies at their birth weight. She said it's a testament to our feeding and caring for them. It's a testament to our lack of sleep.

I'm improving, too. My platelets are up and liver enzymes and blood pressure are down. I saw Dr. B. today and my incision is healing nicely, though it still hurts like buggery. She said I can stop taking the blood pressure medication. I need to keep monitoring my blood pressure for a week or so, and if it's good then this PIH concern will be a thing of the past (until/unless I'm ever pregnant again).

Dave is taking good care of us all and despite the pain, illness, and lack of sleep, I LOVE being a mom! I love these boys so much and miss them terribly when I'm separated from them - even if it's just for an hour or so.

William is addicted to the "booby prize" (breastfeeding) and Ronan is getting better at latching on. Ronan sometimes gets really frustrated with it, especially if he's very hungry. I'm still unable to keep up with their needs for milk, but we only need to supplement 3 feedings/baby/day.

In an effort to get more sleep at night, I give the 3 formula feedings at night so that cuts out about 20-40 minutes of breastfeeding time from each cycle. The boys wear out from breastfeeding before they get what they need from me so every breastfeeding session is followed by giving them a bottle until they are satisfied. They fuss a lot if they don't get enough.

A friend advised switching to expressed breast milk for the night feedings for the sedative effects. I'd love to do that but Dave pointed out that it would mean mixing breast milk with formula during the day and William's digestive system doesn't tolerate that - he throws it all up when we do that. I don't want to stop breastfeeding, either, and want to continue to put them to the breast at the beginnings of the day feedings. I also pump after every feeding and get about 5 ounces per session, but it's not quite enough for all of their needs.

Ideally, I'll make more milk and the babies will get to a point where they have the stamina to stay latched on long enough to get what they need from me.

I feel lucky to be able to do this much, though, as I know this is hard for a lot of mothers.

Dave returns to work on Monday. I'll be on my own. I'm nervous but I'm sure it will be okay.

My nipples after pumping

2008-10-08T19:38:00.001-07:00

So tired!

2008-10-08T13:15:00.001-07:00

'nuff said!

Photos!

2008-10-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

There isn't much time to post right now, but I really want to show these guys off. Here are some photos!

Out of the hospital, again.

2008-10-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

I have more photos of the babies and I can't wait to post them! I have to post a status first, though, as the last week has been a difficult one.

The babies and I were released from the hospital last Saturday night and I thought I was doing well for having had twins by c-section. I have no previous experience with this kind of thing so I didn't realize that my health was still not quite stable. I shouldn't have left the hospital so early.

On Sunday afternoon I felt even worse. I felt weak, weary, and just bleh. By Sunday night I had the chills/shakes so bad it was tough to walk just to the bedroom. Every few steps and I was racked with chills that brought me nearly to my knees. After each spell I'd pull myself up and go another few steps. My mom saw this and helped me to bed and made me take my blood pressure and temperature. My bp was 186/102 and my temperature was 100.2. My normal body temperature is a bit on the low end (I'm cold, hehe) in the 97 range so this was a bit of a fever for me.

After resting about an hour the chills got better and my bp was down to 156/94 - still high but not as scary high. My temperature was down to 99.5. I should have gone to the ER but didn't relish the idea of spending the night in the ER waiting room.

The babies had an appointment in the Newborn Club at Kaiser on Monday morning so I mentioned my health issues to the nurse at that appointment. She said normally she'd send me to the ER but that she was concerned the ER wait would raise my bp so she advised me to see a clinician asap. I did that and since my doctor was on vacation, I got in with another doctor in her clinic, Dr. K. He was a real ass.

My mom went with me and I told Dr. K. the rundown of symptoms: high bp, sudden swelling in my legs and hands, elevated heart rate (over 100), elevated temperature, dizziness, funky vision, chills/shakes, and a headache. He didn't seem to take me seriously and told me that with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH), the symptoms usually go away after delivery - as if just telling me that would suddenly make the symptoms go away. He asked the usual questions about health history and laughed when I told him I have RSD.

He asked about the blood pressure readings and when I told him I took the bp at home, he said, "so it isn't valid." Nice. Fortunately, the medical assistant took my bp before the appointment and it was 156/97. He called her in and she showed him her notes and he started to take me more seriously. He then took my bp and said it was 160/100. After that he checked my incision and said it looked fine, then he wanted to do a pelvic examination, something I learned later was not necessary nor normal for this situation. During the pelvic exam he seemed to have forgotten about the big sewn-up hole in my belly because with one hand inside of me he pushed on my belly with the other hand. Oh how I screamed!!!

He left the room for a few minutes and when he returned he told me that he didn't have much experience with this sort of thing so he consulted with another doctor. He said that he and the other doctor agreed that I needed to go straight to the ER and that they'd probably admit me. He said he'd call the ER in advance to let them know I was on my way.

He didn't.

I got to the ER where the person behind the counter put down my primary complaint as "swollen feet." That's going to get the situation taken seriously, uh huh. She also took my bp and it was pretty high then, too. In the triage my bp was high there, too, but they still thought I was there from swollen feet. By the way, by this time my feet were pretty much gone to the swelling, which was all the way up to my thighs and included my knees.

After over 2 hours in the waiting room they took me in and hooked me up. I still had to wait over an hour for a doctor, then even more hours before Dr. P. came in from Labor & Delivery. Dr. P. was the resident that was in on my c-section with Dr. M. She told me that my blood tests revealed that my liver enzymes were elevated and based on that and my bp I needed to be admitted for observation and treatment.

Fortunately, they put me back into the Mother/Baby unit I stayed in after having the babies. They said I could bring the babies in with me provided that someone else stayed with me in the room, too, to take care of them. They made it very clear that I was the patient, not the babies, and that they could not help me care for the little guys. I had to sign a form that said I understood this very clearly.

I didn't have the boys with me that first night and I don't know which I did more, slept or cried. I was scared and just wanted to get better so I could be a mommy. I missed my little guys and my husband so much. I was so grateful my mom was still around and she and Dave took such good care of William and Ronan while I was away. Dave brought the babies to me on Tuesday and they stayed with me until my release last night. Dave stayed with me most of the time, too, sleeping on a recliner that was in the room. It was a tough ordeal for both of us. Essentially, the whole family lived in that hospital for about 8 days since the birth. We're all glad to be home again!

Dr. P. told me she thought my symptoms were more consistent with HELLP Syndrome. It's still unclear, though, which type of PIH I have been dealing with, but we know it's rare to have the symptoms persist after delivery. Good for me to have another rare health issue. I sure wish the delivery and recovery could have been as good as the "magic" pregnancy.

The boys are magic, though. All the nurses at the mother/baby unit were so sweet to them and to me. Some would come in just to see the boys. Dave was able to sleep at home on Wednesday night instead of in the recliner - the nurse was nice about me being on my own and she even helped me with a diaper change. I just love the nurses that cared for me. They were all so sweet and generous with their care.

After trying a couple of different blood pressure medications they were able to bring my bp down to a normal range. Also, the blood tests revealed that my liver enzymes were improving, too. They still aren't in the normal range but are headed that way. I have an appointment with Dr. B. this afternoon and need to have another appointment next week and probably weekly until we are certain that the condition is resolved. Hopefully, I'll get to go off the bp medication in a matter of weeks, though Dr. P. warned me that the effects could be ongoing for much longer, maybe for life.

The important thing is that I'm doing much better and that I and the boys are all home with Dave. Dave has proven to be such a great father and he's been a wonderful husband through the whole ordeal. I'm so happy to be married to him. The boys are lucky to have such a great dad.

I'll post again soon with photos and an update on motherhood. I love it!

We are proud parents!

2008-09-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such chaos, but we have wonderful babies to show for it!! They're perfect.

I went for the NST and my bp was still high. My urine tested positive for proteins so they called it preeclampsia and sent me over th L&D right away. A lot of good that did. They were so full I had to wait over 2 hours in the waiting room for a room, then I waited another 3 hours in an observation room before things got started.

I had a couple of serious panic attacks prior to the surgery, but the surgery itself was pretty easy. It just felt like turbulence. ;)

William Arthur was born at 8:58pm weighing 5 pounds 1o.5 ounces, 19 inches. Ronan Bryn soon followed weighing 6 pounds 1 ounce and also 19 inches. So much for u/s weight guesstimates - but they were within a pound of the estimates. :)

They are perfect and doing very well.

I'm doing fine but still having some issues with blood pressure and some issues with bleeding - there may be a problem with the incision. Both problems will probably resolve in time.

Close, but no cigar

2008-09-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

My blood pressure is still elevated. Fortunately, I'm showing no other signs of preeclampsia. Apparently I was supposed to go to L&D on Friday due to the bp but nobody told me. I did have to go in yesterday, though. I was told on Friday to start taking my bp at home daily and to call L&D if it stayed high. That's exactly what I did. I called yesterday and they said to come in. When I got there the doctor there asked why I didn't show up on Friday. Interesting.

Anyway, my bp won't go very far down. This morning it was 156/101. In all readings recently the systolic won't go below 140ish and the diastolic stays pretty much above 90.

After several hours in L&D and some lab work, they said that the lab work is still good and that the only issue so far is the blood pressure, but that it is a sign that the pregnancy is putting a strain on my body. I was there for about 7 hours. After they started talking about me going home I ate a granola bar out of my bag. Ten minutes later the doctor said that he would like to recommend a c-section that night. He said since I'm passed 37 weeks, and that since my bp wouldn't go down, there is a health risk involved and that I should probably plan to deliver soon. If it weren't for that granola bar I might have had the babies by now. He said they would have had to wait 8 hours after that granola bar since it wasn't a complete emergency. He said since we had to wait anyway, he sent me home with advice to call Dr. B. and discuss earlier delivery options (sooner than October 8th).

So, I showed up for work this morning. I had my note from Dr. B. and also from the L&D doctor and they had me fill out the paperwork for immediate maternity leave. After that they sent me home.

Dr. B. is off work today so unless there is an emergency, the babies aren't coming today. It's a day to day thing, though, now, and only a matter of a short time.

I'm glad it worked out this way. I wasn't too keen on the doctor last night. He was nice enough, but most of our discussions and his advice came third party from the resident or the nurses on duty. They would come in and tell me what he said, then they would go and tell him what I said, and back and forth like that. Also, when he came in to check me out, he didn't listen much to me or the nurse assisting. He checked my cervix, which is showing some effacement but no dilation. he said that he definitely felt twin-a was head down. I got really excited about that and said, "really?" He said, yes, definitely a head. Why?" I told him that just a few days ago twin-a was breech. He left the room without a word.

For about 15 minutes I was excited that twin-a turned the right direction and thought I may get out of that c-section after all. He returned, though, again without a word, dragging an ultrasound machine with him. I tried talking to him but he remained silent as he put super cold gel on my stomach and proceeded to perform an ultrasound. It all looked funky on the screen and he ummed and awed. I asked what he was looking at and he said, "it's called a breech. That must have been a really hard bum or hip I felt." Then he took the ultrasound machine and again, left without a word.

I'm really hoping Dr. B. can do the c-section!

The NST appointment

2008-09-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one to say that everything went very well with the NST. My blood pressure is up again, though, and now I am supposed to take it regularly to make sure it doesn't go up and stay up.

Dr. B. called and explained that if they schedule the c-section for anytime before 39 weeks they had to do an amniocentesis and she assumed I didn't want that. She's right. She said she'd do her best to find me something a few days sooner and with her. Here's hoping!

Shit storm

2008-09-19T18:28:00.001-07:00

Just before I left for my NST I got a call from the HR person at the TSA, my employing agency. Basically, since going on workers' compensation, they've had 4 years to try to find me a suitable job within my restrictions. Well, she wanted me to come in to discuss a possible job.

I met with her at 1pm and she really put me on the spot. She explained that the job was for receptionist. Fine, as long as it's within my restrictions. The hours were good, full time but early from 7:30 to 4:30. Great. Starting Monday. What the heck?!?

She thought my due date was late October and figured I could put in a few weeks until my due date. Oh my gosh!! She had no clue about twin pregnancies. I explained a bit to her that my "twin due date" is actually a week from today and that being 37 weeks pregnant with twins, I really wasn't sure my OB would clear me to work. She wouldn't give me time to clear it with Dr. B. She wanted an answer right then and there (wolf!).

Basically, the way federal workers' compensation works, is that the agency has first dibs at trying to employ me. If I decline that offer, then that's pretty much it, workers' compensation owes me nothing more. If I decline, it also means that my workers' compensation benefits would likely suffer. Besides, the economy is crap. I need a job to go to after I'm ready to return to work after a sufficient maternity leave. I've been wanting a job and looking for a job for a long time. I just didn't think one would turn up right now. What timing!

So, I told her I would accept but that I needed to take maternity leave starting next week. I told her I'd work a day or two, maybe more depending on how I felt and what my doctor said, but she wouldn't accept that. She pretty much made me feel obligated to fill out that form saying "reject" and gave me pretty much no time to mull it over or consult "my people" (my husband, vocational counselor, doctor, and claims examiner).

I went home and felt really horrible and duped. Dave was also terribly upset. We were so worried that a big mistake had been made. Also, the job she offered me on paper was an airport checkpoint job not within my restrictions - not the receptionist job she offered me verbally. It was all fishy.

I talked to my people and after they talked to their people, I was advised to take the receptionist job, show up for 1 full day of work, then submit for maternity leave. The HR person talked to her people and found out that I could actually do that. I told her I would be there Monday and that's exactly what I am going to do. Dr. B. wrote me my note.

Now all I have to do is make it through Monday without having babies.

They're not coming out

2008-09-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

I've been crying and stressing over this so much since yesterday that I decided that they boys just aren't coming out. They can stay in my tummy. It's fun to have them there, anyway.

It's just gotten too complicated and scary now, the whole prospect of the delivery and when it might happen. I've spent too much emotion worrying about it that I'm done. I just will keep these guys inside. That's it. I'll stay pregnant.

It's never easy

2008-09-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dr. B. got back to me and told me her schedule is completely booked and so far she'll be unable to do my c-section. The only chance I have for getting her is if I spontaneously go into labor on her shift at L&D. I've asked her for her schedule, hoping she'll give it to me along with some tips for stimulating labor without doing anything risky (I'm wary of herbs, ointments, etc.). I just want to know what days I'll be going for some long walks. The only shift I know of that she has, as I mentioned, is tomorrow night and that's a little too early. Anything after this weekend would be good.

She has me scheduled for the first appointment she could find with someone good. She's got me scheduled with a perinatologist on October 8th! While I'm glad it will be a perinatologist, I'm just afraid of that date. That will put me 2 days prior to 40 weeks. While it is possible I can make it that long without going into labor, it's not likely nor is it appealing. I'm soooo going to be hurting by then and it could be risky for the babies to go 2 weeks over twin-term.

So what it's really looking like is that I'll probably go into labor and get whatever random doctor is at L&D at the time, and possibly have an emergency-c. If I go into labor I also risk baby feet going into the birth canal, which can also make the procedure riskier.

On top of that, my mom had made herself available to help us based on the 38-week twin due date. She has to go back to work on October 8th.

Yikes! What a bummer. Looks like I need to continue taking it easy and I was so enjoying having restrictions lifted.

No news

2008-09-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

I e-mailed Dr. B. yesterday afternoon about scheduling the c-section and I haven't heard back from her. That's unusual. She usually gets back to me within 24 hours. I'm going nuts wondering when it will be. My guess is that she may be waiting until Friday to see how the NST goes. If it doesn't go well, they would have me deliver that day, anyway, which puts me at Dr. B.'s shift that night - but scary short notice Batman! Not that you get much notice with labor, but I'm still freaked out over the whole surgery thing.

The last NST went very well, though. The nurse performing the test said that she rarely sees such good tests with twins. The ultrasound yesterday was also excellent so all indications are that things will be good on Friday, too. My next appointment with Dr. B. isn't until next Thursday and it was booked with words from her and the nurse, "if you make it that far." Still, knowing Dr. B., she'll probably want to see if we can do this in the 38th+ week, since that would be best for the babies.

Stephanie and I took advantage of her taking a day off and a nice spa offering free pedicures with the purchase of a 1-hour treatment. Dave didn't want me having a massage until I was past 35 weeks due to risks of preterm labor (massage can cause contractions and of course, I already was having too many of those through the whole pregnancy). I finally got my massage today and it was lovely! Stephanie had a facial and then we took a little break and went out to eat at a Thai restaurant. It was yummy! We returned to the spa with full tummies and had some really relaxing pedicures. It was a great day.

Double breech!!

2008-09-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

Today I'm 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant. This is quite an accomplishment for twins and everything is going well. The babies are measuring well. They are about 6 pounds each (twin-a is 5lb. 11oz., twin-b is 6lb. 5oz.) and the placenta is functioning well, they are moving well, and heart rates are looking good. They are both "practice" breathing, which is also an excellent sign.

They love my ribs! I have two baby heads nestled in my ribcage. No wonder I wake up every morning feeling pummeled. They are both kicking at my bladder, too. Nice. ;)

With double breech twins I won't be able to labor and attempt a "natural" kind of delivery. These babies will be coming c-section. Also, twin-b, who used to be our small one, caught up with twin-a's size by week 28, was a little bigger by week 32, is now in a percentile 30% larger than twin-a. Typically, when the presenting baby (twin-a) is more than 30%ile difference from twin-b then that also usually results in automatic c-section. It looks like I was destined for a c-section delivery, no matter what I wanted to try or experience. I thought I had my head wrapped around it, but I'm still disappointed.

I hear from so many c-section moms that it's okay, that it's a good way to go. I much prefer it this way to having twin-a come naturally and twin-b come through c-section. At least this way we know one way or the other and there will be no double-door entry for these boys.

Another shocker is that this means they could come as early as Friday. I'll be 37 weeks, full term, on Friday and that's when Dr. B. is next on duty at L&D. Since it's a scheduled c-section, I will have Dr. B. performing the honors so it will be scheduled on one of her L&D shifts. Our list of things to do prior to baby day is not complete so Dave and I would prefer the babies come a little later (plus, if they come Friday they'll be Virgos and it might be more fun having Libras - just kidding).

Friday is sooooo soon! However, every day we push it we risk me going into labor, which with the positions of the boys that could be risky because the feet could drop and make a c-section more difficult, or if labor progresses too fast, it would be an emergency-c with a general anesthesia. Plus, going into labor at random would mean that I wouldn't get Dr. B. The big benefit to requiring a c-section is that I'd get her. She may have a shift next week or the week after and I'll leave it up to her expertise on how far we'll gamble on this. While Friday is the earliest possibility, I suspect she'll schedule it for a later date, but it won't be long now.

Tonight is a full moon and a Tuesday. A double-whammy! A friend pointed out to me that most babies are born on Tuesdays and/or a full moon. I just need to make it through tonight. Baby steps.

35 weeks!

2008-09-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was another major milestone. My nurse told me that after 35 weeks the babies have almost as good of a chance of requiring no NICU time as they do full term!

I'm starting to really feel it, though, especially in this heat. My leg has a pinched nerve that sometimes hurts so bad that I can't even walk through the house without crying. My hands get so swollen at night that I can't grip the blankets. I'm tired. Oh, so tired.

However, it's all worth it. I'd rather have these aches and pains then have these babies come too early and have to suffer with needles, devices, and procedures in the NICU. It's only for a few more weeks, anyway.

I'm so excited!!!

It's all good

2008-09-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

My appointment went very well today. My blood pressure is back down to 118/81 today. It's still a little high for me, but I'm very satisfied with it and so is Dr. B.

There are also signs that twin-a has turned head down. Woohoo! I'm feeling some hiccups down low, and also in my middle on the left. I'm pretty sure twin-b is the middle left. Also, my fundal height actually decreased. It was 40 last week and is 39 this week. Dr. B says that's a sign that the babies shifted. If twin-a is head down then we won't need a scheduled c-section and hopefully the babies can choose their own birthday.

I'll be 35 weeks along tomorrow! My goal is at least 36 weeks, but I'd like to go to 37 or 38. I have been optimistic and in ordering the diaper service, I didn't order the delivery to happen until September 26th. That will be 38 weeks.

It's getting tough to walk sometimes, though. I have some sort of nerve issue in my left leg. Sometimes it's fine and sometimes I can't even make it from one end of the house to the other. Dr. B said there isn't really anything we can do about it. I just have to try to sleep with even more pillows and perhaps not sleep so much on my left side. I already sleep with 6 regular pillows and a body pillow! It looks like I may have to try sleeping in a reclined position with a bunch of pillows behind my back. Tempest won't like that since he likes to sleep an hour or two each night on a pillow behind one of my many. I tried it last night but he protested and tried to dig at my pillow mound until he could reach "his" special pillow. He's so cute. :) I'd actually rather have kitty cuddles than be pain free - funny, huh?

Upgraded to weekly appointments!

2008-08-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

It sounds good, but it's not really that good of news. It means my doctor is concerned about possible preeclampsia. If that's what it is, it's just mild so far and nothing to be too concerned about just yet. I'm just showing some minor beginning signs, but those signs are inconclusive at best. The biggest sign is that my blood pressure is a bit elevated. My blood pressure is usually quite low so even when it goes over 120/80, which is normal, that is high for me. Today it was 135/80 so it's borderline high, but of concern in pregnancy - and with twins it's a higher risk.

I've also recently developed the swelling that can be so common in pregnancy, but wasn't really common for me. I did so well to avoid the cankles and such. I still don't have cankles but my hands and feet are now like Mr. Stay Puft. My hands are the worst. It started just a few days ago. They get so swollen and sore while I sleep that by the middle of the night I'm unable to grip the blankets to pull them back over me. It takes a little while of stretching them and soaking them in warm water to be able to move my fingers again.

Otherwise, I'm doing very well. My doctor said that my body is accommodating the twins better than most women accommodate even single pregnancies. I'm only just really starting to feel pretty big, like I am carrying twins. My belly does measure full-term size for a single baby (40 cm fundal height) and in a week or so it will surpass that, he he. I'll be "puffickly huh-yooge!"

Still, I get around all right and don't feel too put out. I'm supposed to remain resting, though, the best that I can.

I go back to Dr. B. next Thursday to check the bp and swelling and she said she'll probably run some labs if my bp doesn't go down.

At least one more week!

2008-08-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dave and I have been super busy trying to get the nursery ready for the boys' arrival. Too busy, actually. I've not been feeling very well lately, mainly yucky in the tummy. I overdid it, again, on Saturday. We got a lot done, but by the time we were ready to go to bed I was having too many contractions. I did my counts and had 7 in 45 minuts and they were coming consistently at about 8 minutes apart. Nice.

So, I called the hotline and they told me to go to L&D. Joy of joys. I need to start doing my contraction counts earlier in the evening so I can avoid these middle of the night or all-nighter trips to L&D. We got there at about midnight and stayed a few hours. They checked for dilation a couple of times with some good results that I was not dilated at all. They did the fFN and told me that based on the results they can pretty much guarantee that I won't go into labor for the next week but after that, all bets are off.

The last time I had the fFN they gave me 2 whole weeks! Now they only give me 1 week? I was hoping for 3.

I had a baby shower!!!

2008-08-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

For years and years I went to many baby showers in my family. They were fun and a wonderful way to get the women of the family together. I moved away from Utah before my friends there started having babies and showers. Showers with friends are quite different from the family showers and are also good fun.

At the family showers, the main topic of conversation was labor and delivery nightmare stories. I knew which cousin had the cord around his neck 3 times and which aunt experienced 72 hours of labor. Sometimes it was too much and scared me about ever having children. I once asked if we could go an hour without having those stories at a shower and one of my aunts replied, "when it's your shower, sure!" I always looked forward to my own shower.

My shower was Saturday, August 9th. Nearly 2 weeks ago (I've been a terrible blogger). It was wonderful! One of the games was the "verboten word game" where people are forbidden from saying certain words. The verboten words were "baby" and "labor," which essentially prohibited the guests from scaring me about having these babies (trust me, I'm scared enough of the way they may exit my body). I know they will have to leave my belly at some point, and that day is coming soon, I'm just not really thrilled about the method. I'm hoping for the good old-fashioned method over a c-section, but the biggest fear I have is that one will come the old-fashioned way and the other will come via c-section. Ouch!

Either way, though, I will be happy to have both babies come at the right time and be healthy. Oh, and I'd like to come out of it all pretty healthy, too.

The other games were creative, too, and we all were well entertained. Corinne was a wonderful hostess and I'm very grateful to her for it. She had some back pain through the day and I know that it wasn't always easy for her to put on the smile and take care of everyone as she did. She was a true hero that day

I also have to express my gratitude to Karen (KarenF on my comments) and my mom who provided a wonderful array of food for everyone.

Stephanie and Rachel also contributed in many ways - games, prizes, planning, and the best cake I've had in ages

So a big thank-you to Corinne, Rachel, Stephanie, Karen, and my mom. A big thanks also to everyone who attended and a huge thanks for all the wonderful generous gifts.

Plumbing disaster

2008-08-21T17:43:00.000-07:00

Here is a confession. We've had a drain fly problem this summer. It was coupled with a nasty smell emanating from the bathroom attached to our office (the house's master bedroom but it works much better as an office - when it doesn't smell).

The bathroom seldom gets used, mainly because it was smelly. Dave never seemed to smell it, but to me it smelled musty, like the Pirates of the Carribean ride in Disneyland. I smelled it a few summers ago and it bothered me so much that I went in and proceeded to tear the whole bathroom apart. I made Dave install a new floor, new sink, and new toilet. Little did I know that the smell was coming from the shower drain.

Dave started smelling that mustiness over the last few weeks as the heat got bad. He was also annoyed by the drain flies we were seeing in the bathroom. Last Saturday he set about to clearing all the drains in an effort to get rid of the pests. It went really well in the main bathroom that we use daily. He got to the shower in the "spare" bathroom and while that seemed to be the source of the flies, it drained really well... too well.

He looked down the drain and thought he saw that it was broken. Later that evening, when the heat of the day wore off, he went under the house into the crawl space to check it out. While he was there he had me try out various taps, flush the toilets, and run the washing machine and dishwasher through to drain cycles (I forced them to the drain cycle so he didn't have to wait forever).

The news was not good.

It also looked and smelled really bad.

The main bathroom was fine, as was the toilet and the sink in the spare bathroom. The kitchen sink with garbage disposal, the dishwasher, and the washing machine, as well as the spare shower, all were draining into the crawl space. Dave thinks there were slow leaks but this summer a pipe ruptured and that was when it got pretty nasty.

Dave says it's actually not as bad as it sounds. Maybe.

So, we got the plumber in and he spent about 6 hours under the house fixing it. He's a great guy!!! Now we still have to clean up the mess and damage. Not good.

More belly shots!

2008-08-21T17:30:00.001-07:00

I have to first apologize for the lack of action here. I've been so tired and the thought of writing here seemed overwhelming. I don't know why, because I enjoy it, I'm just tired.

I've also been negligent in taking and posting belly photos. I took a few on my own using a mirror and tried out the camera timer. I got a friend to take one today, too. I need to get better at this. There isn't much belly time left, and in a way that makes me sad. The belly has magic.

Here are some photos from 31 weeks and 2 days:

Here is one from today (32 weeks and 6 days):

ANTS!!!

2008-08-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

I HATE ANTS!!!

We all have our fears in life. I don't have much I'm afraid of, but ants would rank up toward the top of the list. Ants are horrible little creatures and they have it in for me at least as much as I have it in for them. It's all-out war.

It may have all started when I was about 2 or 3 years old. My family went out to some family property and my dad picked me up out of the truck and put me down on a red ant nest and told me to stay put. I had them all over me. I screamed and cried, but my parents just told me to be quiet and stay put, not quite realizing about the ants, and probably not thinking it was that big of a deal.

The rest of my life in Utah there weren't any major run-ins with ants, but they were already my enemy. As I mentioned in another post, I'm not big on firecrackers and don't see much purpose for them other than blowing up ant hills. So yes, I have blown up a fair few ant hills in my teen years when we'd go camping. I had cousins that got m-80s. M-80s are great for blowing up really big ant hills!

I went to Guatemala and stayed with my dad for several weeks when I was 21. That, I think, was when the ants started taking their revenge. I woke up in the middle of the night one night parched and unable to get something to drink. I had some Lifesaver candies, though, so in the dark I found them and put one in my mouth. It was covered with a strange texture, though, so I spit it out and turned on the lights. ANTS!

I had brought my favorite sweater with me on that trip. It was hand-knit and so comfy!! One day there were a lot of little yellow dots on it and my dad's wife told me those were ant eggs. It was really tough to get rid of them and it was horrifying.

When I moved to California, word of the ant revenge against me spread. I like to think of the ants like the Borg. Each ant is one of many of a network. They can all communicate with each other, just like computers on the internet. They are, essentially, the most sophisticated network in the world and they are highly underestimated. Killing ants is probably justifiable, because in this theory, when an ant dies, their consciousness is absorbed into the "collective." For every ant that dies, millions more are created. They may someday take over the world! Beware!!

In their collective, they can transmit messages and once they mark an enemy then they can let the entire world's colonies of ants know. Nowhere is safe and I am marked.

When I moved to California I shared a cute little bungalow with a couple of housemates. I had my own bathroom with my own tub. I love taking baths, btw. However, the ants made it difficult for me to indulge in one of my favorite pastimes. They moved in to the overflow in my bathtub, somehow, some way, and I still can't figure it out completely. Nearly every time I'd run a bath, hundreds of ants would flood into the waters or run out and run around the edges of the tub. It was horrific.

There have been at least two times where I was attacked in my sleep. I'd be sleeping peacefully then notice a slight itch on my cheek. I'd scratch the itch and discover it was from what I thought was a crumb. I'd continue to sleep, but lighter than before, until the next itch, which again was maybe a crumb. After a few "crumbs" I'd think it was odd and it would pull me out of my sleep enough to turn on the lamp and discover a trail of ants coming from the window, over the pillow, and all over me. They were little black ants, but they still BITE!!!

I recall one day many years ago spending a Saturday dedicated to reading. I was having such a lovely time getting into a good book and realized I hadn't eaten in hours. I begrudgingly put the book down and went into the kitchen for dinner. I opened my freezer and found it filled with little black specks, just filled!! Upon further examination I discovered that those specks were ants! I grabbed a cloth and swept them all out of the freezer, but then I had hundreds of dead frozen ants all over my kitchen floor. I should have swept them up and disposed of them right away, but I was shattered and couldn't take anymore. I wasn't even hungry anymore.

I woke up early the next morning and was starving. I remembered the nightmare waiting for me in the kitchen so I braced myself and got prepared to clean up the mess from the night before. I steeled myself to go into the kitchen and lo and behold, it was clean. There were no ants to be seen!! I didn't know what happened but I thought maybe some other ants came in and took all the bodies back to the nest, wherever it was, to eat them. Another horrifying thing about ants is that they eat their own sometimes. I didn't see any ants, so if they took the bodies away I was fine with that, as long as they left me alone. I opened the freezer again and AACK! It was full of ants again!! This time I took no chances and I vacuumed it out and disposed of the vacuum bag.

Ants are creepy!

Last time Dave left town the pool turned against me and developed a bad case of algae. It's finally a blue pool again, but only just getting to a point where it's swimmable. Well, he left yesterday and we thought that I would be fine on my own for a week, provided that we get someone to come over a few times over the week to clean the filters. The pool isn't the worry now.

I had a nightmare last night that I encountered a huge colony of ants. I couldn't get away from them and they kept trying to get all over me. I was hyperventilating and my heart was racing and I knew that it wasn't healthy for the pregnancy to be in that stressed of a state. I woke up and found that I really was hyperventilating and my heart was pounding. I was really freaked out, physically, from a dream!

I came into the living room and was having a lovely morning. I watched a little tv, played on the computer a bit, pet the cat, had a little breakfast, and was just taking it easy. I was sitting on a chair and there was a little itch on my arm. I thought it was just a hair or something so I moved my arm and it was better. Then I saw a little black dot moving on my hand. It was an ant!!! I did a little yelp and brushed the ant off and for good measure, smacked my arm a few times briskly against the side of the chair. Crisis over, or so I thought. I figured I picked the ant up from petting Tempest. He is often outside and comes in for brief cuddles, sometimes bringing ants in.

A little while later I saw another black dot, this one moving on the arm of the chair. I brushed it off, too, assuming it was the one I had earlier brushed off my arm, until I saw one crawling on the table next to me. I looked down, and they were all over the floor. There was a trail of them coming from a tiny hole at the top of the fireplace, across the mantle, down the laptop plug, and then onto the floor using the laptop cable as a bridge. They were happily taking crumbs left over from my cracker and cheese craving from last night. I should have cleaned up but our house has been ant-free for a very long time, thanks to Shane from Server's Pest Control!

Dave normally takes care of ant attacks since they get me so bent out of shape. Dave's gone for a week. :( I tried to think calmly and be cool about it. I proceeded to clean up in hopes that getting everything spotless and wiping the walls around the invasion and mopping the floor would do the trick. I went outside to bring the garbage can back in from off the street (garbage day today) and discovered that the ant situation in the house was the least of my ant worries. They are everywhere on the side of the house. It's no wonder they came in. They are EXPANDING and probably looking for new nesting sites!

I called Servers and Shane is due to arrive sometime between 2 and 4. In the meantime, I'm trying to just stay calm. If I don't post again, you'll know the ants won.