Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone had a fine Christmas. Our little men had a great time and got all the toys they desired. They are only 4, but they are already questioning the legitimacy of Santa and his elves. Just the same, they still enjoyed the magic of the season.

I recently took them to Utah for a week while Dave was out of the country on business. Ronan fell out of bed on our first night in Salt Lake City and broke his collar bone - right in two. He had an x-ray a little over a week later, just after our return home and there is no progress on healing, but he shows no pain. He says it hurts all down his arm, his whole arm hurts, but he is as active as ever. He really doesn't like wearing his sling, but he needs to for at least another few weeks.

William has been having some difficulties of his own. He had a high fever most of our trip in Utah and is having some other problems that we need to monitor. Neither of my boys are in good enough shape to travel, so I'll have to make my next trip to Utah on my own. Besides, airline tickets are costly and I don't want to drive over Donner Pass with them in winter.

While in Utah I put up a fabric Christmas tree (Margareta from Ikea) in my dad's room and decorated it with family photos. My aunt and sister sang Christmas carols to him and he came to us the best he could. He was the most alert I've seen him in months. Every visit is heartbreaking, yet also heartwarming. I will miss being able to hold his hand and put my head on his chest, just as I've been doing since I was a baby. When he's gone, though, I know he'll be closer to me than he has been in many years.

I will be headed back to Utah soon. The life support will be turned off from my father any day now. I have mixed feelings about this. I believe it is for the best, but it is tough to not have second thoughts. It's very difficult to plan someone's death. It's very hard to celebrate Christmas and be bubbly and exuberant for those around you, those who just want their lives to continue unaffected by my crises. The boys, especially, need the magic that comes with Christmas. I've done my best for their sake, but inside the cracks on my reserve are getting bigger and I'm breaking.

This is the first Christmas without my father, yet it's also the last Christmas with my father. This middle zone is a very sad place to reside. I've been grieving for 7 months, as have the rest of the members of my family, yet we cannot begin to mourn.

1 comment:

Dan Klevesahl said...

A blog is a great idea for you.
Thanks for sharing. I know it has been tough on you.
Blessings to you and the boys, Lizzy