Tuesday, December 25, 2012
William has been having some difficulties of his own. He had a high fever most of our trip in Utah and is having some other problems that we need to monitor. Neither of my boys are in good enough shape to travel, so I'll have to make my next trip to Utah on my own. Besides, airline tickets are costly and I don't want to drive over Donner Pass with them in winter.
While in Utah I put up a fabric Christmas tree (Margareta from Ikea) in my dad's room and decorated it with family photos. My aunt and sister sang Christmas carols to him and he came to us the best he could. He was the most alert I've seen him in months. Every visit is heartbreaking, yet also heartwarming. I will miss being able to hold his hand and put my head on his chest, just as I've been doing since I was a baby. When he's gone, though, I know he'll be closer to me than he has been in many years.
I will be headed back to Utah soon. The life support will be turned off from my father any day now. I have mixed feelings about this. I believe it is for the best, but it is tough to not have second thoughts. It's very difficult to plan someone's death. It's very hard to celebrate Christmas and be bubbly and exuberant for those around you, those who just want their lives to continue unaffected by my crises. The boys, especially, need the magic that comes with Christmas. I've done my best for their sake, but inside the cracks on my reserve are getting bigger and I'm breaking.
This is the first Christmas without my father, yet it's also the last Christmas with my father. This middle zone is a very sad place to reside. I've been grieving for 7 months, as have the rest of the members of my family, yet we cannot begin to mourn.