Monday, May 23, 2011

Judgment is Still Upon Us!

I listened to Harold Camping's "Open Forum" this evening. The boys were amazingly good to occupy themselves playing with their choo choo set while I worked in the kitchen and listened to the Preacher Man explain why the Rapture and great quakes didn't happen on Saturday.

Apparently, according to Camping, Judgment Day did happen. While we were gathered in my back yard with friends, we were judged as to whether or not we are worthy of going to Heaven on October 21st, later this year. I hope we passed!

Camping explained that he wasn't wrong, and he seems to genuinely believe that. He said that he made a mistake in interpreting everything in a physical Earthly sense, whereas God works in the spiritual sense. Judgment Day happened in a spiritual sense, in God's way and not the way Camping thought it would. The world will still end on October 21st and most people will still die a permanent death (as opposed to ascending to a spiritual form).

With all the questions the press posed at Mr. Camping, not one of them was about zombies and how they fit into his plan.

Camping did point out, again, that it's obvious that we are very near the end of times. The clear sign is the acceptance of Gay Pride. How nice. I prefer Christ's teachings of "Judge not, lest ye be judged..."

When asked how he felt about the repercussions of the May 21st "dud," Camping held firm that he wasn't really wrong, that Judgment Day happened, the world will still end, but the big difference is that we all get an extra 5 months to live. He didn't seem to feel much pity for the people who dedicated their entire life savings to his radio station and his cause, or those that gave up homes and other possessions, all because they thought they were going to Heaven on Saturday. He said he was greatly relieved that the woman who attempted to kill herself and her two children didn't succeed, because to kill her children would be murder, which is a sin and would keep her from going to Heaven. He would accept no responsibility for the actions of his followers, who did what they did based on his word. He suggested that those who no longer had homes or the means to get through the next 5 months will likely have a kindly sister or someone else who will probably take them in (keeping in mind that if the kindly sister still has a home and the means, she wasn't a Camping follower and is probably not really "saved").

He is right, though. These people did those things of their own volition. He says he does not have the spiritual rule over anyone, except his wife, who doesn't need much ruling since she's pretty good. These people didn't have to take his word for it, he always encourages his listeners to read the Bible themselves and to find the truth through Biblical reading and prayer. When asked if they'll refund any donations made to Family Radio based on a false prophesy, he explained that the money will be put to good use to continue to spread the Gospel until the end of days, but that there is no point in giving any money or property back to anyone in October, since the world will be ending and it will be of no use to anyone. I hope he reconsiders this stance on October 22nd.

About 10 years ago I used to listen to his "Open Forum" during my commute. He blew my mind with his interpretations and I found it amusing. He was unknown to most in those days, but now everyone seems to know who he is.

I really feel sad for him. I'm sure he's going through a lot of soul searching right now. He wanted so badly to be right. Though I'm very glad he was wrong, and I think there is something perverse about people who wish cataclysmic destruction on the human race, because they look down upon the masses as unrepentant. Perhaps it justifies one's own hatred against people who are different. Perhaps they are overwhelmed by the horrific things we see on the news every day. They say "perception is reality" and they perceive the world to be full of pestilence and evil. It breaks my heart that they seem to be blind to all the good that there still is. While they believe that the world's population is only 3% good, I believe that there is only perhaps <3% bad, but even so, there is still some good in every person.

I feel sad for Mr. Camping and all of his followers. I pray that they may see the good in the world as it is, in abundance. They believe that all good comes from God so they need to open their hearts to God, that He might lift the blinds from their eyes so they might really truly see.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

But a Whimper.

It appears we may have been misinformed about the Rapture. Either that, or perhaps the world was worse than anyone imagined, and instead of anyone getting Raptured, we have just been abandoned by the angels.

Or maybe it did happen and we are living in a false reality. We are in the Matrix.

Yes, that must be it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Not with a Bang...

Here I sit, on the eve of our destruction, contemplating the End. Two areas have met the deadline and thousands have already been Raptured, perhaps millions. By the time it reaches our time zone I don't know if there will be any seats left. Heaven may fill up.

So I sit and await my demise as I watch the news and write to you, my heathen friends. To those that will be Raptured, I wish you a very happy eternity. Try not to think about the rest of us who are left behind to struggle and burn. Try not to mourn the loss of those that you loved that are soon to be nothing but dust. Were your family members also Raptured or were they lost? Oh well, you'll get over it.

I remember Raptures and Apocalypses of my past. I recall one particular one that happened when I was eleven. Everyone in school talked about it in the days leading up to the end. I didn't really know anything about it, so I just kept my mouth shut and listened. When the eve came, I prayed and feared the worst. I had difficulty sleeping, I suffered nightmares. I woke up the next morning and the world ended. It sucked. I went to school and nobody even mentioned a thing about it. We just went on with our lives as if nothing happened.

The next time I remember the world ending, I was about fourteen. There was no prediction, it just ended. I woke up and my room was different. For starters, it was detached from the house and on the ground floor. I looked out the window and there was nothing but rubble to be seen for miles. I picked up the phone and called my best friend, Anna, and she saw the same thing. I went back to sleep and though everything was normal when I woke up the next time, I felt empty inside. Anna pretended not to remember our conversation when the world had ended. Nobody else seemed to have noticed.

The world ended a few more times. It ended in 1997 for the Heaven's Gate followers. I also recall it ending a few times in 1999 with the Grand Cross, the Grand Alignment (which coincided with the freak tornado in Salt Lake City), then on New Year's Eve when we celebrated the new millennium. For awhile the world was stable, and we were able to breathe easily as we enjoyed over a decade without the world ending. I guess some got bored so they brought on the May 21st date. They just didn't want to wait for 2012. Thank goodness! I have a tough time going without a good apocalypse prediction. Now, not only do we get May 21st, but the Scoopees (Camping's followers) also are giving us October 21st! I wish they could move it to Halloween. That would be awesome!

The local news has been on for over 20 minutes and not one mention of the cataclysmic earthquake that has been rendering our world uninhabitable, not one word about the Scoopees leaving our realm, not one word about zombies. Boring!

Sweet dreams!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Big Scoop


A mere four days from now it will all be over. The supposed Rapture will have happened in most time zones and we'll either be looking forward to the next phony apocalypse, or down on our knees praying for mercy, provided we're still alive. I'm the fortunate survivor of many apocalypses. There used to be one or two a year, but when it didn't happen in Y2K, doomsdayers started getting tired of being wrong, I suppose, until some folks decided that the Mayans predicted the one in December 2012.

Not to be outdone in the media, Harold Camping set his for May 21, 2011. He has been on this campaign for a few years, but only recently has the word gone global as billboards have been strategically placed and Family Radio missionaries have set out to spread the world. These people believe it so firmly, they have spent fortunes on the advertisements. They have to believe, for they have been taught that to doubt it would mean eternal damnation for them. They are promised an eternal place in Heaven if they dedicate themselves 100% to the cause. Apparently these spots in Heaven aren't as plentiful as most of us have been led to believe. According to Camping, there are only 200 million, and once the Rapture is overdonewithgone, the rest of us will be shut off from the Lord as the gates of Heaven will close for all eternity.

Those left behind are promised a miserable end, with quakes and disaster, which will render our world uninhabitable. We won't miss out on all the fun, though, we'll get to witness Jesus and Satan having a battle that will lead to the end of our world on October 21, 2011.

While some of the Camping followers (the "Scoopees") say they are worried for us (the heathens), I'm among those that are worried for the Scoopees. They have dropped everything: jobs, homes, even family, and have spent their savings on alerting the masses of the big event. If it doesn't happen (okay, I'm giving them a <.000001% chance of it really happening), what are they going to do? Will they drink the special Kool-Aid?

I often wonder about those that seem to really want the world to end. I feel sad that they have such a pessimistic view of the world. While they boast of their high faith in God, what about their faith in man and the Earth that God created? Why do they seem to be okay with their friends, neighbors, and even family members being separated and suffering eternal damnation or perhaps, just eternal death of the soul? They say it will be the End because the world is so full of sin and degradation, that it is because there are very few good moral people left (or as they call them, "elect of God" and I call them "Scoopees").

If they are the "elect," then I think that I would prefer to be part of the rest. If this thing really does happen, I choose to stay behind and help good, moral people to get through it. I choose to hold hands with my loved ones to our destiny, because I am not okay with good people being condemned to eternal flames, just because they were the wrong color, faith, or sexual orientation. The Heavenly Father that I love and believe in is not okay with it, either.

All seriousness aside, I'm having a blast joking about it all. I find doomsday predictions incredibly humorous. We're hosting a BBQ to celebrate, and if it happens, we'll be with good friends and family at 6pm, when the big quake is predicted to occur. I'm glad we'll have notice. I'll probably watch the news before turning in on Friday night (how could I resist the temptation?). If the world starts shaking at the International Dateline, we'll all be down on our knees.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Fab Five Freddy Told Me Everybody's Fly...


Judgment Day is coming, just 10 days away! I've seen the signs, have you? There is one such billboard located around the corner from Happy Hollow, one of our favorite places to go for a family outing. I've seen them before; they're all over the place. They say "The Bible Guarantees It!"

The May 21st Rapture is brought to you courtesy of Harold Camping and Family Radio. Though I've seen their signs for quite some time now, I only recently researched what they were talking about. Yes, I put a lot of my *ample* spare time into researching this amazing news, not because I believe it, but because this sort of thing tickles my funny bone.

The upshot is, through literal and loose interpretations of various scriptures combined with some fascinating mathematics and numerology, these people have deciphered a hidden code that tells us exactly when Jesus will return and the great Almighty Hand will scoop up the righteous. I seem to recall a Simpsons episode where Homer did the same thing.

They tell us that it's May 21st at 6pm, local time, in each respective time zone. Thank the Lord that I live in California! Hawaii or Alaska would be better, but at least I'm not in Tonga or Japan. If these folks are right, we'll know about it the night before it happens in our local area. Don't mistake May 21 for the end of the world, that will happen 5 months down the line in October.

When asked what they are going to think come May 22nd and they are still here, many of them reply that they'll realize they weren't really saved, and that they'll just have to stay "down below" (as Homer Simpson puts it) with the rest of us heathens until the end of days on October 22nd (give or take a day). They say that some 3% (about 200 million people, right?) will be part of the Rapture and the rest will be left to suffer earthquakes, war, famine, and other fun stuff for 5 months as Jesus and Satan battle it out in our back yards. Now, I think I saw that one on South Park.

What does it take to be part of the elect faithful that will be scooped up, you ask? Well, first of all, you need to truly believe deep in your heart that May 21, 2011 is the official date of the Rapture. You need to believe this without a doubt! Oh, perhaps first of all you need to be a Christian and second of all you need to believe in the May 21 prophesy. If you are a churchgoer, forget about being Raptured. According to Camping and many of the others that believe in this, the churches, all churches (yes, your church, too), are led by Satan and have been since 1988. Didn't you notice the change in management? So, churchgoers will not be scooped up. Sorry, Charlie (Charlie is my devout neighbor).

Not a churchgoer? Well, you might have a chance! Just put your faith in Christ and in this date and if you can, take your cell phones with you when you get scooped up so you can call CNN and let everyone know what it's like.