Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Fab Five Freddy Told Me Everybody's Fly...

Judgment Day is coming, just 10 days away! I've seen the signs, have you? There is one such billboard located around the corner from Happy Hollow, one of our favorite places to go for a family outing. I've seen them before; they're all over the place. They say "The Bible Guarantees It!"

The May 21st Rapture is brought to you courtesy of Harold Camping and Family Radio. Though I've seen their signs for quite some time now, I only recently researched what they were talking about. Yes, I put a lot of my *ample* spare time into researching this amazing news, not because I believe it, but because this sort of thing tickles my funny bone.

The upshot is, through literal and loose interpretations of various scriptures combined with some fascinating mathematics and numerology, these people have deciphered a hidden code that tells us exactly when Jesus will return and the great Almighty Hand will scoop up the righteous. I seem to recall a Simpsons episode where Homer did the same thing.

They tell us that it's May 21st at 6pm, local time, in each respective time zone. Thank the Lord that I live in California! Hawaii or Alaska would be better, but at least I'm not in Tonga or Japan. If these folks are right, we'll know about it the night before it happens in our local area. Don't mistake May 21 for the end of the world, that will happen 5 months down the line in October.

When asked what they are going to think come May 22nd and they are still here, many of them reply that they'll realize they weren't really saved, and that they'll just have to stay "down below" (as Homer Simpson puts it) with the rest of us heathens until the end of days on October 22nd (give or take a day). They say that some 3% (about 200 million people, right?) will be part of the Rapture and the rest will be left to suffer earthquakes, war, famine, and other fun stuff for 5 months as Jesus and Satan battle it out in our back yards. Now, I think I saw that one on South Park.

What does it take to be part of the elect faithful that will be scooped up, you ask? Well, first of all, you need to truly believe deep in your heart that May 21, 2011 is the official date of the Rapture. You need to believe this without a doubt! Oh, perhaps first of all you need to be a Christian and second of all you need to believe in the May 21 prophesy. If you are a churchgoer, forget about being Raptured. According to Camping and many of the others that believe in this, the churches, all churches (yes, your church, too), are led by Satan and have been since 1988. Didn't you notice the change in management? So, churchgoers will not be scooped up. Sorry, Charlie (Charlie is my devout neighbor).

Not a churchgoer? Well, you might have a chance! Just put your faith in Christ and in this date and if you can, take your cell phones with you when you get scooped up so you can call CNN and let everyone know what it's like.

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