I forgot to update about the TSA job. I showed up that Monday as directed. I felt awful and apparently looked it. I was told by a few people that day about how ill I looked. Nice of them, really.
So I went in and filled out the paperwork for maternity leave. After that I was sent home with apologies for keeping me there so long. I went home and slept most of the rest of the day. The next day I became a mother.
Incidentally, the job pays less than it would cost for child care for 2 babies.