Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Okay, let's face it, farts ARE funny! Keep a straight face all you like, but you know deep down inside that farts are hilarious. Humans get so big-headed. Yeah, we are smarter than the "lesser" animals, we created societies, we made cities and organizations. We are superior! Yet, with all of our intelligence and superiority we still pee, poo, and fart. So maybe some people won't admit to it, and I'll grant that some royalty doesn't do any of that stuff (their waste is transformed into glorious perfume that slowly seeps out of their pores - if we could market that perfume it would cost a fortune). The general riff-raff of the world farts.

I have a friend who insists that she never farts. She says it just never ever happens while her husband stands behind her with his expression showing otherwise. I hear some people hold it in so tight when they are awake but they are a veritable gas machine when they are asleep and those muscles relax.

What's especially funny about farting is when it happens to someone who is dressed to the nines, looking so fine and elegant, and yet they still, being human, will have to fart. It just happens. Hopefully it happens when one is on his own and he can let it fly before it builds to a painful level.

When I was a little girl my dad gave my sister and me a huge lecture about farts. We couldn't stop laughing and it made him really angry, because to him this was a serious education he was trying to impart on his daughters. He told us that as girls we needed to learn to "squee" them out so that we could let them go in public. We argued that it doesn't matter if it's squeed or loud, people will still realize someone farted. At the time I didn't realize my dad's wisdom. He was essentially teaching us how to drop fart bombs in crowds and get away scot-free!

Dave doesn't find any reason for squeeing them out, though. He just lets them go, loudly, wherever he is. I'm sure there are places where he will hold them, but I think that's rare.

We all have our famous fart stories. They usually bring laughter but are not fit for discussion unless you're talking to children or a bunch of drunks.

Farts are especially magic for children. I mean, imagine, it's a free pre-packaged stink-bomb and are as available as the nearest bean burrito. Fantastic!

When I was a kid I was introduced to fart games when I was very young. My sister and aunt had a special fart game where when someone let one go, they or anyone that heard it had to say "skids and no returns!" This meant that if you said "skids and no returns" (later abbreviated to "skids") then you didn't have to "eat" the fart, whatever that means. You'd give yourself away, and immediately redeem yourself of all fart guilt, if you said "skids and no returns" as soon as you farted, whether you squeed it out or not. The last person to claim "skids" had to be the one to eat it, and thus also get the shame of the fart, rather than having it go to the person deserving of it, the farter. When I was that little, I actually thought they made up a clever new word, "skidsanoiturns." I loved that word.

Advance a few years and my cousins introduced me to another farting game, though they called farts "busters." If you farted or smelled a fart, you had to quickly put your thumb to your bridge of your nose with the rest of your fingers were in a loose fist or "hang-loose" sign toward your forehead. The same rules applied, the last person with his thumb on his nose "ate it" and took the shame of the fart. These were lovely games geared toward relieving yourself from the shame of having to stink up the area. Farting became a proud thing.

Adult fart stories are especially good, though. We are not supposed to fart, especially in public. We all do, though, from time to time. Okay, most of us do, the others struggle with gastrointestinal disorders from holding them in. Of course, once again, the exception is royalty who don't even have orifices for farting (other than their mouth and they fart in the form of words). Our presidents have tried to mimic this farting method but they just sound more like idiots. Okay, back to adult fart stories.

Dave loves the one about me where we were at the grocery store, stuck in a long line but really stuck so that neither of us could escape. There was the cashier stand on one side and the point-of-purchase rack on the other and we were next in line. I could hold it in no longer so I gently squeed it out. It was one of the nastiest smelling farts I ever let. Okay, I admit that it may have been one of the nastiest farts EVER. Dave knew immediately it was me. I give myself away when I let stinky farts because I giggle too much. Granted, I giggle when others let stinky ones in public, too, so I get blamed a lot for other people's farts, too. That time, however, I held a straight face as long as I could and only giggled a little bit, pretending it was something funny I saw in a magazine. Dave's never let me live that one down.

However, I had a better fart once. It was New Years' Eve at Lake Tahoe. Dave made us all kippers for breakfast that morning, warning us all that kippers led to really stinky farts. Funny enough, I didn't fart that entire day, not once, and never had the urge to fart. I was really proud of myself, so proud that I bragged to the other women that were with us that Dave was wrong about the farts because I hadn't farted all day! They all admitted to little indiscretions throughout the day but nothing very bad. Well, right at midnight we were on the dance floor and my tummy rumbled and hurt and before I knew it, I had to let it go right then and there or suffer the consequences of doubling over from the pain. I didn't have to squee, the music was loud. Unfortunately, the smell was pungent and before I knew it, I was solo standing in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by my own stink, everyone standing at the edges of the bar afraid to go anywhere. The fire department may have been notified of a gas leak, I don't know, but it was my most embarrassing and infamous farting event.

I know, I know, people aren't supposed to talk about farts and I just broke all the rules. Not only did I talk about them, I admitted to them and made 2 confessions. Do you dare to do the same in your blog? Wouldn't that be funny if there were a string of blog entries about farts? How about it? Do you dare?


karenf said...

the best subject ever! You and I have rolled together with this subject! Around our house the term for fart is "stinky butt". The other night Will and I were up changing Elena sheets after a 3am wetting accident. Will and I had just climbed back into bed and he let a loud, long one go. Out of the darkness we hear a little voice say "Daddy's a stinky butt!"

Oops my oatmeal is burning. Thanks for the laughter for today.

Baby Step said...

OMG, thanks for making me LOL. I love that you love talking about farts! One night my girlfriends and I spent the whole time at dinner talking about incidents of farting, pooing, peeing, puking. It was my favorite night, I think. We said we were going to write a book called "The Tao of Poo". I don't think I dare talk about farts on my blog though -- I am too embarrassed!

Hummingbird said...

Thanks for the laughs! I will take your challenge and go write about farts on my blog now!