Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Not bad, but not good

We've started the cycle and so far we still don't know if we are really going to be able to do IVF. I thought we'd find out today, but now it is going to be Saturday when we may find out. It really is a day to day thing. Most women get to pick up all their meds at once and have some assurance that at least they'll make enough eggs to get to the retrieval. I, on the other hand, don't make that many eggs.

My doctors say it's the endometriosis. They say that most women with endometriosis don't have this problem, but some do. It appears that the endometriosis, which causes me to develop endometriomas (blood-filled cysts in my ovaries), inhibits my ovarian response to the medications. I just get bruised, get all the risks and side-effects, without much benefit. I'm on the maximum dosage now, or at least I think it's the maximum (450/iu of FSH). I do 300/iu in the morning of Follistim and 150/iu of Menopur in the evening. Until today I was taking 225/follistim and 150/Menopur. Maybe the increase will help. There isn't much else we can do.

The ultrasound showed only maybe 6 possible follicles. They are too small to measure. What happens from here is that they could all grow, or some of them could grow, or none of them could grow. Bertha, my endometrioma I developed this same time last year, is doing well. She's growing just fine. Grr. We tried to get her aspirated on December 12th, but she came back. Maybe I shouldn't have named her and started calling "it" a "her." Maybe that's why she doesn't want to let go. If this cycle fails or gets canceled, then I'll probably get surgery to get Bertha excised with a laser.

My estradiol level was also very low at 81. Basically, we just have to wait and see.

I have found a wonderful support network of other women going through the same thing. Well, they are going through infertility treatments, it doesn't mean it's the same thing. Even among the infertility communities, I feel really low and desperate. I'm tired of hearing women complain that they only got 12 follicles, or 25 million sperm, or that they have "mild" endometriosis, or that it took them a whopping 16 cycles to get pregnant.

I'm tired of the pep-talkers telling me that things will be better than they turn out to be. The problem with the pep-talkers is that I start to believe them and then crash even harder when I get the bad news. I really need to not listen to the Pollyannas and listen to my doctors. My IVF doctor told me to expect this kind of result, but I listened to well-meaning Pollyanna friends that told me that my doctor was full of it. Well, those friends are very sweet, loving, and supportive, but they are probably really the ones that are full of it. While my IVF doctor might not give me much hope to live on, she doesn't give me false hopes. I prefer the truth, even if it hurts.

Anyway, I have to go shoot up again, and then wait until Saturday.

1 comment:

bluehairedwoman said...

I'm really glad you've started this blog. whatever the outcome of this cycle, just know that you'll continue to have my support.