Friday, January 11, 2008

Just another day

Nothing much going on today. I'm only just starting to feel a little achy in my lower belly. I guess that means some action, but I'm not holding out much hope for tomorrow's ultrasound. Dave and I have decided that if the news tomorrow is not good, meaning that I have fewer than 3 maturing follicles, then we're going to scratch this cycle to save what money we can for another try. We will be credited a substantial amount for any unused medications and services.

If we scratch this cycle, then I'll book myself for a laparoscopy to remove Bertha (remember my stubborn endometrioma?) once and for all... I hope. It's risky. I could lose my ovaries. I could lose more ovarian reserve. I could lose what remains of my fertility. However, if I don't get rid of this cyst and clear up the endo before trying again, it could give us very little chance of even making it to the IVF part of IVF. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm not ready to consider donor eggs. While I've had many very sweet and generous offers, all offers have been from others that also suffer from similar issues, as well as advancing age, and I'm not sure that would work. It's also a whole other avenue to travel.

So, we go tomorrow to the clinic where someone else who started the process the same day as me actually gets to have her eggs retrieved. I know it's petty, but I'm jealous. I know there are other women worse off than I am, but at this clinic tomorrow I will be that woman worse off than the others there. I should be taking some solace in that we will all be there for the same purpose and that we all struggle, but all I can see right now is that my struggle seems to be more difficult than the others there.

I feel very self-absorbed about all this and it makes me feel even worse. This is a very personal struggle and as much as I have a tough time seeing pregnant women or babies right now, I'm also starting to have difficulty seeing infertile women with more hope than I have.

I'm terrible.

1 comment:

Hummingbird said...

You are not terrible! You are one of the strongest, and most giving women I know. I am so sorry for all you are going through.