Daniel

Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane

I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye

God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes.

"Daniel" - Elton John

We lost another very dear family member and the boys lost another grandfather. Though the boys still have two grandfathers (my father and grandfather), Daniel, so far, was the only grandfather the boys have ever met. Daniel was there to meet the boys in the hospital when they were first born. He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. Though he loved both boys dearly, he had a special fondness for William, because William had a special fondness for him. When he was just a day old, William seemingly loved staring at Daniel. William smiled every time he saw him, smiled and squealed in delight, even when he was just weeks old. At Christmas Daniel said he was sad that he wouldn't get to see William grow up, to see the man he would become. At Daniel's bedside on Wednesday night I asked Daniel to be William's special guardian angel, and to watch over him.

***

Last Tuesday morning my mom called me to tell me that her husband Daniel was in the ER with a brain-bleed. She said he'll have some tests and then will be admitted to the ICU. I knew it must be bad.

I'm not so portable now with the boys. It took me about 24 hours to get everything ready for the 80-mile trip, packing for at least a 3-day stay and hoping for the best. When I arrived I was trying to tell myself I was there to help support Daniel through a recovery and rehabilitation process. When I saw him, I put on my best smile and told him my theory on time, that all he has to do is let time keep ticking and soon enough he'll be back home again. When I said "back home" I knew, deep down, that it wasn't going to happen.

He was beautiful lying in that bed, though I could tell he was absolutely miserable. He couldn't speak and anyone who knew Daniel, knew that aside from cooking, communication was his main forte. He had an amazing talent with words. He didn't like drinking water and when asked why, he replied, "because it makes me feel bilious." Among the words he taught me, "virago" is my favorite.

He lived life with a flair nobody could match except for my mother. The two were/are a perfect pair (I hate speaking in the past-tense of anyone who has passed on since I believe they are still with us, just in a different form). The inability to communicate was killing him.

They had to tie him down because he kept pulling out all the tubes and needles they had hooked all over him. This was Daniel's worst nightmare. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were telling me that he was glad to see me, but that he was embarrassed at being seen that way. His eyes were saying, "please, don't let me live like this!" He struggled against the wrist straps and tried to get comfortable in the bed, though it seemed it was his own skin that was his enemy this time, not the hospital, not the tubes, and not the bed. It seemed that he was stuck in an uncooperative shell.

The doctor said he was beyond comprehension but none of us who saw him believed it. When he was squirming I asked if he was itchy. He nodded and hummed his assent. I rubbed his feet, first the left and then the right, but he pulled his right foot away. I asked if that made him uncomfortable and he again hummed his agreement. I put a pillow under his left leg and he relaxed a little and I asked if that was better. He nodded. Yes, he was able to understand and he had some ability of communicating. He was also able to squeeze hands, gently, in answer to some questions.

The boys and I spent the next few hours in the ICU waiting room while my mom and some family friends took turns visiting Daniel. We went to my mom's house at around 7 o'clock for the boys' dinner, bath, and bed, which is their normal night routine but started quite late. I heard my phone beeping when I was in the middle of giving them bottles and struggling with them to get them to drink; they were very confused by the different surroundings and upset of their schedule. I tried to let it go but curiosity and fear got the best of me. I took a break and checked my phone. It was a text from my mom, "Daniel's not going to make it. My phone battery is going and I need my charger." I called her immediately and fearing losing the last of her battery I simply asked, "where is your charger" knowing that we'll cover the rest when I got to the hospital.

I gathered the boys up as quickly as possible, grabbed the nearest 2 blankets, their bottles, my mom's phone charger and the diaper bag and was out the door. I was severely unprepared for the night ahead, unprepared in every way.

I was at the hospital about 20 minutes later and arrived at the same time that my mom and Daniel's dear friend Steve Mortensen arrived. He helped me with the boys and we went straight to the ICU where we all spent the rest of the night. My mom was there to hold Daniel's hand and we were there to hold hers.

I said my farewell to Daniel and spent the rest of the night in the ICU waiting room. The boys fell asleep around 10 on the baby blankets we spread on the floor. At some point a nurse sent me a couple of warm blankets to put on the boys. The a/c was on and I was freezing, but I wanted the boys to be warm so I shivered in a chair while I hoped the boys slept comfortably on the floor. Ronan kept scooching forward off the blankets and slept a lot of the night curled up under a chair. I kept readjusting the blankets so he could stay warm. Around 2am I couldn't handle it any longer so I laid down on the floor next to the boys and fell asleep with them. At around 3am a very kind orderly brought me a lot of blankets and a couple of pillows. William woke at his usual 4am time to nurse but it wasn't enough. I'd gone all day without pumping and my blouse was drenched with milk. Fortunately I was wearing a blouse with a paisley print and it wasn't noticeable, though I certainly felt it. After that night I haven't been producing much milk at all. I don't know if this may have led to the end of breastmilk for the boys. While pumping the other night my left breast bled as much as it milked, leaving what was in the jar a bright pink.

At around 6 or 7am Daniel stopped breathing 7 times. He stopped for a good few minutes each time, each time turning a little blue, each time convincing my mom that it was over, then he'd start breathing again. Each death tore her up a little more. She stayed right there with him through the night and morning, leaving only twice to go to the bathroom. The last time, at around 10:15 Thursday morning, he stopped breathing and she told him not to breathe again, to go on and that everything would be fine. Daniel moved on.

I took the boys back to the house at about 8am to get them dressed and fed. I was getting ready to go back to the hospital when I heard Daniel's voice greet me. I turned around quickly and saw nobody there. This was at about 10:30. I got the call about 10 minutes later that Daniel had passed on.

Dave came down that day and we spent the rest of the weekend doing what we could for my mom. The boys were amazing and they helped us all through our grief, reminding us that life continues. Their constant need to have their schedule kept, feedings done at the right times, diapers changed, naps taken, and cuddles given, kept us busy and gave us joy when we would have otherwise been breaking.

Daniel was loved by hundreds, perhaps thousands. As the son of two brilliant and famous artists, Dorothea Lange and Maynard Dixon, he traveled the world giving presentations and interviews about his parents' lives and work. He was a successful writer and in advertising. He was as married to the ukulele as he was to my mother, and played it proudly entertaining us with his cute songs. His last work, a book on the ukulele, was recently finished and he was starting the editing and rewriting process. When my mom called the ambulance for him last week, he didn't want to go to the hospital because he had an important memo to write. My mom finished the memo for him later that day. His daughter, Leslie, my mom, I, and many of his friends are determined to see his ukulele project through to fruition.

He and my mom married 13 years ago. Their marriage was a perfect fusion of talent and love. They met at the Mission Ranch, which is owned by Clint Eastwood. To hear Daniel tell the tale, you'd believe that the earth shook when it happened so that all the world could feel it. Daniel so believed this was one of the earth's most notable historic moments that he once asked Clint Eastwood if he could put engraved plates on the bottoms of two barstools at the bar to commemorate the event. "Daniel Dixon met Dixie Dixon right here on _____, 1994."

When Dave and I were married in 2003 Daniel asked what the wedding color scheme was. I told him light blue and lavender. He came very well dressed in a grey suit with a light blue shirt and lavender tie. He knew something I didn't. I was still living in a fantasy where I believed my dad would actually make it to the event since my dad actually flew in and was staying in a local hotel. The wedding was to start at 4pm. At 4:15 the wedding planners told me he and his wife and boys were here and that they pinned flowers on them and we were ready to go. I asked where he was, they described him to me and I realized that wasn't my father. To this day I don't know who accidentally got pinned with the flowers. At 4:30 my dad called to tell me he was lost. I tried to give him directions to the wedding but he said he still had to go to his hotel to get on his suit. We only had the wedding venue until 5pm. I started to shake and cry. Our photographer who later became our dear friend, Jack Wasserbach was there for me. He took the phone from me and got my mom. Jack, my mom, and friends were there to console me and help me redo my makeup so we could go on with the wedding without my father. Daniel knew this would happen, though he hoped it wouldn't. He was ready and proud to walk me down the aisle in my father's stead. Thank you, Daniel. I love you!

We love you, Daniel, and miss you terribly! Rest in peace, dear father.

Tempus fugit.

Day of morbidity

When not doing a media blackout, I like to tune in to the news in the morning to see if the world has ended overnight and if so, for whom. Today it ended for a couple of people in interesting ways.

The first report I saw was of the Continental flight with a dead pilot. When I tuned in, the plane was still in flight and was about to land, being flown by the copilot. I wonder if they informed the passengers of the situation. "May I have your attention, passengers? This is the copilot. Your esteemed pilot kicked the bucket this morning and we need to make a landing to get his corpse taken off before he stiffens up and can't be easily removed from the cockpit." Okay, maybe not like that. All due respect to the dearly departed pilot and his family. Hearing of his passing has hit me with some sadness, even though I never met him.

The next story was about a recent tornado. They showed some excellent coverage of the tornado near Aurora, Nebraska. It was taken by A. J. Fable, filming while driving into the mess. At one point Fable said, "...literally in front of my eyes look at this!" and "I'm literally 400 yards away from it!" He said, "This is truly incredible!" The news reporter then said, "and it is with incredible sadness that I report this gentleman's death from the tornado." Okay, so I'm paraphrasing but I was blown away (pun intended). Again, I was struck with a mixture of emotions: sadness for the guy's loss and sad for his family, but also it tickled my sick side that enjoys a good morbid laugh. It just seemed somewhat absurd; this guy driving into a tornado so excited about the footage he was getting, then him dying, then the news broadcasting this incredible footage and having to report the man's death. On one hand, it's a great homage to the man that they show this film that he "literally" died for, on the other, I wonder if he'll be put up for a Darwin Award.

*Edited to add: I have been searching for an article about Fable's death and can't find anything, which leads me to wonder if the reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated. Perhaps the news clip I saw this morning was in error. I know what I saw, I had Dave come and see it, too, and we blipped it back on the Tivo a few times. What I say I saw I saw, he saw she saw we saw seasaw and all that.

A test of faith

I've recently learned, again, one of the many lessons that parenthood is meant to teach me. This lesson is one of faith. I've had many lessons about faith in my life, which leads me to believe that faith is one of those things you can never know enough about and never have enough of. Faith also ranks up there among the most important lessons in life, if not the most important.

In this life we are meant to learn many things. We have challenges that push us in different directions, that guide us and shape us, make us who we are and who we are meant to become. Over the last few years I've faced many challenges. I've written about several of them right here. Time and time again I've come out at the end of these challenges feeling as if I had just run a marathon, so to speak. The TSA/DOL challenge was one that shook my entire world and pushed me to the ground crying and screaming, but with the help of my wonderful husband and the support of our friends and family, I was able to meet that challenge knowing that I didn't have to do it alone. The battle is still being fought, but I/we have won all the battles thus far.

Even with all other challenges, I've learned the most from my boys. The boys have given me the greatest lesson in faith, more than anything else. From trying to conceive them while keeping the faith that Dave and I would someday have a family, to pushing forward through a very rocky IVF cycle, then keeping the faith through the challenges of a twin pregnancy, it has all been about faith. I am reminded of faith every night when I put them in their cribs and want to check on them every hour, watch them to make sure they take breath after breath, that time will pass and they will grow and thrive, it's all about faith. I keep the faith when I have to leave one to attend to the other; have faith that the one left behind is in a safe place and will be just fine until I can be back with him again.

Faith is in the big things and in the little things. It is with faith that we allow our beloved cat, Tempest, to go out freely to play and do what cats will do, even though we know what dangers might be out there for him. We have faith that he'll return each night for a can of food and a cuddle. It is with faith that we say goodbye from telephone calls with our loved ones, having faith that we will speak to them again and have another chance to tell them we love them, even though we know full-well that sometimes we don't get that chance. It's with faith that we put off calling some loved ones because we are too tired or have other things to do, having faith that we can always call them later, even though sometimes we never get to make that call. Even when sometimes our faith fails us in some matters, we still pick ourselves up and push forward because faith is immeasurable and immense.

Every day in every way, it all comes down to faith.

Tempus fugit

Ben Franklin once said, "nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." I believe in one other certainty, the passage of time. Today a friend of mine asked me how I got through the weeks without Dave when the boys were just infants requiring round-the-clock attention. She asked how I felt right before he left each time, if I was afraid or freaked out. What I remember about those days, a blur even though they were just a few months ago, was thinking that time will pass no matter what and that all I had to do was go through the motions and the time will take care of the rest.

When Halie died in the fire and my brother was in the burn ICU, letting time take over was of comfort to me. Just watching the clock pass even 15 seconds was a comfort to me because it was a reminder that no matter what, time passes and all I have to do was push forward and let time carry me.

Since the boys were born it amazes me at how time seems to have picked me up and carried me so swiftly, so smoothly. The last eight months have just flown by and I feel like before I know it the boys will be 5, 10, 16, 18, 21... my little baby boys will be men before I know it. I've heard having children ages a person, maybe that's so, but I believe that having children puts one in another dimension where time suddenly passes much faster. I discovered it as soon as the boys were born and wrote about it in my post, "Baby time."

Time is an amazing thing because you can't hold it, you can't store it, you can't own it, and we're fooling ourselves if we think we can "buy time." Time owns us and when it is done with us, it lets us go. Through the years people come in and out of our lives, people are born and they die, and through it all time passes and will continue to pass no matter what happens or where we are.

Baby food

I've started making them their baby food and have really enjoyed it. It can be time-consuming, though, and it comes with the cost of other things not getting done. I'm trying to get a handle on everything, but we're so behind in housework and other tasks. We're catching up, though, very slowly.

I'm delighted about Oakmont Market opening within walking distance. I've gone there a few times to buy produce for the baby food. I recently bought some cherimoyas. Until the market opened I'd never heard of this fruit, but I saw it there and thought it was somewhat unattractive and had no idea what it was. On Friday, The Doctors aired an episode with advice for new mothers. I'd only seen one other episode of this program, one on the swine flu, and thought it was interesting so I set it to record this particular episode on the Tivo. While I scanned fast through most of it, I was particularly interested in a spot with a woman who has a website for making baby food. She was demonstrating how to make a delicious dish with cherimoyas!

Everything I read about cherimoyas said to wait until they were soft to the touch. The ones I purchased over the weekend were hard at the time. They were hard yesterday, too. I tested them this evening and they were very soft so I knew they had to be used right away. I cut one in half and it sliced like butter. Dave and I tasted it and it was lovely. It was a little like a soft pineapple. I scooped out the seeds and made a puree. It was gorgeous and creamy! After putting that into an ice cube tray for preserving, I made the recipe with adding a peach. Oh, that was superb! I have very lucky babies!!

I also have some avocados to serve to the boys for their dinner tomorrow night. I love giving them avocados. The avocados are so good for them!

Normally, I don't really care for cooking and there isn't much food that really excites me. Making the baby food, though, has given me an incentive and an interest in food preparation and even tasting new things. I'm excited to introduce the boys to a variety of great foods.

I've only just figured out how to try to make time for pureeing the baby food, choosing the right fruits and vegetables, and making dishes the boys will like, but it seems William is moving on to bigger and better things. Ever since he was about 5 months old he's wanted to eat whatever we eat. We've indulged him here and there, offering little pieces of some finger foods.

Now that he has a pretty good pincer grasp I've been giving him some puffed wheat with every meal. He loves being in better control of his own eating. However, that meant that Ronan watched him and then wanted to do the same. Ronan still has some difficulty with more solid foods and hasn't made it very far into food textures beyond puree. Still, he wanted to try. To his credit, within a week he's making great progress with the puffed wheat.

William, however, seems to be getting bored with pureed food and wants to move more and more to finger foods. I offered them some cantaloupe pieces with their breakfast this morning and that's all William would eat. He wouldn't eat the banana mush I made for them. So, that will be the next thing I work on, making them some wholesome and safe finger foods, or perhaps more finger foods for William and continue the puree for Ronan while still offering the finger foods to Ronan so that he can have the practice.

Mealtimes are definitely getting more interesting, and actually a little less messy... for now.

Swimming

I took them in the pool again today. This was their 2nd time in the big pool. We took them in just over a week ago for the first time. We took a video, but I don't think Dave wants it shown here. I put it on Facebook, though, if you have an account there.

William shows pretty much no fear of the water and he's already figured out how to paddle with his feet to move around while in the floaty ring. I took him out of the ring and he made it clear through his paddling and reaching he was going for the side. I took him to the side and he reached out and held on, then tried to climb up. Later, I dunked him under the water for a brief split second a few times and he actually liked that, too, though I think it confused him a little. He giggles wildly when I blow bubbles in the water. He's such a little water baby!

Ronan likes the pool but seems like he doesn't quite know what to think of it just yet. He smiles and explores, but doesn't get all excited the way William does. When I take him out of the floaty ring he clings to me and shows a healthy and natural fear of the water, unlike William. I dunked him for a split second, too, but he wasn't so happy about it. He didn't cry, but he grabbed tighter onto me and I just didn't have the heart to proceed further in any water explorations or experiments.

Both boys seemed intent on trying to drink the water.

8 months old!

It's nearly summer and we're really enjoying the sunshine! We've been out and about a lot, at least when everyone is well. The boys seem to be in one of those cycles where they are well for about a week and then get colds for about 2 weeks. They came down with a cold a few days ago so we're back in the snot season.

We put them in the pool for the first time last weekend. They loved it! William giggled almost incessantly from the moment we put him in until we took him out. We have all the gear: cloth swim diapers, sunscreened swim shirts, swim shorts, sun-shading hats, sunglasses, waterproof sunscreen, and floaties. We also got them a little blow-up pool for some mild splashing, though they haven't used that, yet. I got one big enough for me to get into it with them. We're very cautious with these little guys when it comes to water.

Within minutes of putting William in his floaty he was paddling his legs and figuring out how to be mobile in the pool. I think we may have some natural swimmers!

The milestones are being reached nearly daily and the boys are filling our lives with joy and laughter, though they keep us so busy!

Milestone	William	Ronan
Smile	3 weeks	5 weeks
Laugh*	2 months	3 months
Giggle*	4 months	3 months
Squeal	2 months	3 months
Roll front to back	7 weeks	5 months
Roll back to front	11 weeks	5 months
Grab spoon to feed self	4.5 months	5 months
Drink from sippy cup unassisted	6.5 months	6 months
Scooting	8 weeks	6 months
Lunges	5.5 months	7 months
Crawling	6-7 months	TBD
Pull to stand with our hands	3 months	4 months
Pull to stand on own	7 months	8 months
Jabbering with consonants	6 months	5 months
First words	TBD	7.5 months (Yum!)
Reach to be picked up	TBD	6 months
Wave	TBD	6 months
Sit without support	7 months	7 months
Stands holding onto something	3 months	6 months
Put self into sitting position	7 months	8 months
Stands unsupported for a couple seconds	TBD	8 months
Pincer grasp	8 months	8 months
Gesture to indicate what he wants	7 months	6 months
Eats with fingers	7 months	8 months

*William laughed without giggling first and still does it most of the time. It's a strange gasping/squealing laugh and sometimes he laughs in a sort of silent way. Ronan's first laugh was more of a squeal. Giggling is a serious laugh from them when it's beyond the squeal.

They're each about 18-19 pounds and will probably outgrow their infant car seats in a couple of months. We're looking to buy some convertible seats for them. With them being mobile we really need to get more of the house baby-proofed. We've been more in the fire-fighting mode since they were born, taking care of things as the need arises. Now there is a need to give them access to more of the house.

William is our comedian. He has been making his own form of jokes since he was about 6 months old. He makes me laugh so much and he laughs along. The other day he was joking with Ronan, tickling him and doing silly things to make Ronan laugh. Ronan was giggling up a storm, then William was giggling at Ronan's giggling. It was the cutest thing to see. I tried to get a video of it, but the camera battery was dead. William used to be quite ahead of Ronan on many physical milestones but Ronan is quickly catching up. Ronan sees William doing something then he works really hard at it so he can do it, too. William loves seeing people, animals, and things. He laughs so much and has turned into a very cuddly little guy. He often reaches out to hold Ronan's hand and he sometimes looks at people with such love in his eyes as his voice gets soft and he sighs in adoration. It's so heartwarming!

Ronan is our communicator. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that Ronan was, indeed, saying "yum!" with great gusto every time I presented him with food. It helps that I've been saying "yum" to him with food for months. On Wednesday morning he looked at me and said, "mama!" Since then he's said it several times. When I gave him his bottle on Friday he said, "baba!" and proceeded to say that several times since during feedings. Yesterday morning when Dave came into the room we both distinctly heard Ronan say, "Daddeeee!" Just like with the other words, he spent the rest of the day saying, "Daddy." While most of the time he just says "mamamamama," "bababababa," "gagagaga," and "dadadada," it seems that "yum," "mama," and "daddy" are his first real words as he seems to be saying them with real intent and purpose. Ronan loves music and seems to be starting an ability to keep rhythm. I caught him pounding his feet on the ground to the beat of some music the other day. Ronan's favorite activity is jumping. He jumps in the exersaucer and the doorway jumper and bounces in his stroller or on our laps. He bounces when he's happy. Sometimes he falls asleep in the doorway jumper and when I go to take him out he starts jumping again as if he never missed a beat! Ronan's favorite toy is a little bunny from Ikea. William's favorite toy is Ronan.